Hi Meghan: I’m a mom of three kids: a 15-year-old son, and 11-year-old and 7-year-old daughters. My son is having an increasingly hard time handling annoyances from his youngest sister. She is in a challenging phase, for sure, wanting a lot of attention, singing, dancing, cartwheeling, etc., and it can get annoying. But the way he handles it is a problem.
He will often jump straight to snapping at her the minute she enters the room or says a word, and it quickly escalates to him saying mean things to her. I know he feels like she is interrupting — his time with us, his developing sense of self, his conversations — and like he’s not getting what he needs.
We talked with him about how we can make sure that she knows not to interrupt, that we have one-on-one time together doing teen-appropriate things and that we understand his feelings. But we’ve also said that despite feeling annoyed, he cannot be cruel to her. It’s just like when they were toddlers and we had to teach them how it was okay to feel angry but not to hit. But it doesn’t stick. It is SUCH a button pusher for me and my husband and is leading to a lot of fights and tension. Any thoughts?
— Sibling War
Sibling War: I am going to be honest: My first thought was that the 7-year-old needs more of the support to behave in a less annoying way. Why is it okay for your youngest to consistently cartwheel into conversations and interrupt? If I were your teen son, I would be angry, too. Every child has the reasonable right to speak without interruption. And if I am reading this right, many members of the family are stuck in reaction. Your daughter pushes your son’s buttons, and he reacts. His reaction pushes your buttons, and you react. You need to create and uphold clearer plans to move into reasonable responses instead.
Some questions I have: Does your daughter have some executive functioning or other sensory or attention issues not mentioned? Meaning, she may have been told (multiple times) to stop interrupting, but her brain doesn’t follow through — leading to interruption after interruption. Is it that the youngest gets babied and has fewer expectations made of her, even though she may be ready for them? Is your son more explosive for other reasons? Other than hormones, is there a history of mental health issues? It is important that all of these factors are considered because they can change the necessary solutions.
As for what is working, I hear clear thinking and many good ideas in this letter. You are aware that your son is in a key place of development and wants one-on-one time. What we […]
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