How do I get my children to move more quickly?

Q: My kids are elementary-school age (7-year-old boy and 9-year-old girl). We are involved in lots of activities that they chose and love. As a result, we’re super busy (like everyone!). I keep everything moving and on schedule as much as a single mom can, but imploring the kids to “hurry,” “hustle,” “go a little faster” or any other iteration has zero effect.

I have tried planning more time to, for example, get dressed for a ballgame and load the gear in the car, but it takes even longer. I can stand there and say, “I really need you to move a little more quickly!” and it has literally no effect on the speed of their movements.

Incentives don’t help; neither does reminding them that the quicker they get things done, the more free time they’ll have. I have tried many things but have not found anything that seems to make a difference. Please tell me you have a trick or idea to help me change our speed of getting things done! Everyone would be so much happier!

A: You are not alone (as a single mom or not) on the “leave the house” struggle bus, so thank you for writing in about this.

First, I’m thrilled that you’ve discovered that incentives don’t work! Sure, that’s not true all the time, but incentives not only don’t work for many kids, they can actually make things worse. Incentives, like many tips and tricks, often fail because they operate on a very basic principle of behavior: Kids only want to be “good” if they’re rewarded (or fear being punished). And yes, behavioral incentives and interventions have their place, but generally speaking, the more mature the human, and the higher level and complexity of work, the more likely rewards will fall short. Think: M&M’s for the 3-year-old sitting on the potty? That can work! M&M’s for a typical 9-year-old doing homework? Not so much.

So, the question isn’t really: “How do I get my kids out the door more quickly and more easily?” The question is: “How do I get my kids to care about getting out the door quickly and easily?” It’s a slight nuance, but an important one. The second question has less to do with control and more to do with relationships. If most children want to be good for their attachments (and yes, they do), how do you connect to your children in a way that gets them to have some more skin in the game?

I feel as though I am suggesting this in nearly every column, but some version of a family meeting would go a long way. First, the family meeting is a parenting tool of connection. I know the urge to use it like a business meeting — where you just tick off everything there is to do and change — is strong. But when you lean into […]

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