Q: I need help staying connected with my 16-year-old son while respecting his need for privacy and greater independence. How do I do this?
A: As a parenting coach and a parent of a 16-year-old, I hear you loud and clear. Connecting with your teen can be a daunting task. We parents get many mixed messages. Americans are obsessed with independence, and many parents believe that their job is to push their teens out into the world, but this is not the way it should be.
Our goal as parents is to raise children who are interdependent; young adults who rely both on others and themselves. Of course your son has a right to privacy (within reason) and he should trust that you will be transparent with him when it comes to your concerns for his safety and well-being. The fallacy in American parenting is that connection and independence aren’t linked. When a child (and teen) is deeply and safely connected to a loving and warm adult, the teen is more likely to be self-governing, exercise judicious freewill and safely take calculated risks. Without deep connections to loving adults, the teen may be acting on his own (appearing independent), but he is more likely to take unsafe risks, to be reckless and unafraid, or to be too afraid to take any chances at all. True freedom comes from connection, not despite it.
All of this is to say: Strengthening your relationship with your son is the surest path toward helping him find his own willpower, self-agency, and courage.
All of this is to say: Strengthening your relationship with your son is the surest path toward helping him find his own willpower, self-agency, and courage.
- Stay realistic. This means that not every attempt at connection will be easy, but every attempt is worth it. Your 16-year-old has his own life, friends and school stuff; it is natural that he will be distracted and may not receive your gestures as the love you mean it to be. As much as possible, don’t take it personally.
- Make a list. Have your teen either tell you or send you a text with four or five things he wants to do, and tell him to make it imaginative. If he dreams of going to the Sahara, great! Have him name the big and small, the more ideas the better. You never know what could happen! Time, money and reality are always in play, but doing what your teen wants will make connecting easier.
- Think about including his friends. While one-on-one time can be great, it can also mean a…
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