Question: We have a 4-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old daughter. Our 4-year-old has been throwing major tantrums recently. We totally get that she is feeling jealous/insecure, and we talk things over when everyone calms down. However, her anger has resulted in her hitting us and throwing things. My question is: How do you suggest dealing with a tantrum when a child is doing harm to people or things? Often she will do this while I’m holding the baby. (Shocker.) When my husband is home we can divide and conquer, but when I’m on my own I don’t have a plan.
Answer: Oh, this is so hard. First of all, you are tired. (You have a new baby in the house.) Second of all, it is hard to maintain patience when objects are whizzing by your head and shattering behind you. So, you have my full empathy.
Let’s take a look at what is happening here with little Susie (the 4-year-old) developmentally and brain-wise.
Without the added threat of having a cute little sister come in and take up space and take Mom away, being 4 is already a pretty rough gig.
At this age, children can begin to express themselves pretty well, use some sophisticated turns of phrase and occasionally use some rational thinking — and then, POOF!, they are on the floor, a crying mess, over something seemingly meaningless. Being a parent of a 4-year-old means having perpetual whiplash as you ride the wave of emotions your little one is bringing you daily.
Susie is already having some pretty big emotions (hence the object-throwing), and now we have added baby sis into the picture.
In terms of how a 4-year-old is connected to her caretakers, that is intense, too. Susie has had Mama all to herself for almost four full years. That is a long time in child world. A whole lifetime, in fact. Your attention, literally, has been all on her, and now you are distracted, tired and taking care of another child.
Conventional advice always has you attending to Susie over the baby (yes, sure,` go ahead and do that) and allowing Susie to help whenever she can (and yes again, do this).
But the hard, cold reality here is that Susie is going to cry some as she adapts to the changes of the family. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. This is life. Humans are designed to run into hard situations and do one of two things: Change them or adapt to them.
Susie is going to adapt to baby sister (with your help).
This explosive anger is a sign of a great deal of frustration. Frustration is the basic emotion that all mammals feel when things are not working for them. Susie is frustrated at the aspect of sharing you when she never had to before.
The emotions build and build, and then they erupt in a 4-year-old manner: violently.
So begin by keeping an eye out for what is leading up to the explosion. Is it when the baby cries? Is it when you need to feed the baby? Is it when the baby needs her diaper changed? And can you involve or distract Susie? Sometimes, those two tricks easily work.
But other times Susie is going to have a huge fit. There is no stopping it. In that case, you need to make it as safe as you can for Susie, the baby and you. Absolutely, take away dangerous items and instead populate the floor with soft, squishy balls that could not hurt a fly. Say, “Man, Susie, you must be SO sick of this baby. Me, too! Let’s throw these balls!” And go ahead and have at it. Let all this aggression out (it has to go somewhere) in a way that doesn’t make Susie dangerous or feel like a bad kid.
As well as allowing the throwing, see what happens when you mirror her feelings back to her. If you feel she is in a place to hear it, you can say, “Oh, man, this baby cries so much, doesn’t she? Cry, cry, cry . . . geez!” Go ahead and come alongside Susie and her frustration. Parents will worry that this will build a bad attitude, but the opposite happens. Susie feels as though Mom is on her side and relaxes. The stress lessens. You can even smile and laugh together.
Finally, let me remind you of something that should bring you some measure of comfort: For thousands of years, humans have lived in close communities, where a mother’s mom, sister and cousins would help her. Someone would be around to grab a baby, help a 4-year-old, bring a meal, wipe a bum, play with a child. We are largely alone now, and we are not meant to be that way.
You need someone else to come in and give you a helping hand. Is there someone who can come in and take the baby out of your hands? Give you a break and allow some special time for you and Susie? A library visit? A walk to the park?
By widening the circle of support, you are opening space to physically and emotionally handle this time of family transition.
Whatever you do, I beg you to not begin timeouts or other punitive tactics. These (even if they work in the beginning) will increase power struggles and, more important, communicate the idea that there is something wrong with frustration.
There isn’t.
You can peacefully guide your child to appropriate forms of frustration-outlet while keeping yourself and the baby safe.
So give Susie some extra love and warmth, allow her to cry and feel her feelings, come alongside her emotions by agreeing with her, and give her safe ways to express her frustration.
You can do it!
Find this over at The Washington Post.