My child is having a tough transition back to school. How can I help?

 

Q: My 7-year-old son started first grade this fall and complains that school is boring, that he misses kindergarten and that he doesn’t want to go to school. He loved kindergarten and had a fantastic, upbeat, very kind teacher. School went online at the end of last year, so there was a weird nonexistent end to his year. His first-grade teacher is not warm and fuzzy, and of course expectations are higher and there is less playtime this year. I feel so sad that the pandemic cheated him out of the end of kindergarten. We have touched base with his teacher, who said he’s happy at school and is very social. How can we help him adjust to the transition to first grade? I wish his teacher was a bit warmer and more understanding, but we can’t really complain about her personality.

A: “Yup.” That’s all I thought when I was reading your note. I have coached and spoken with hundreds of parents throughout the pandemic, and yup, this is how many children are feeling. Many children left school when we went remote without a transition or even a goodbye to the teacher with whom they felt so close. And 5- and 6-year-olds truly do become attached to their teachers, friends and routines, so I don’t blame your son for giving some side-eye to his new teacher and the school experience.

Your question to me is a good one: “How can we help him adjust to the transition to first grade?”

What I think you really want to know is: “How can my son not suffer and/or only be happy this year?” Or, another question could be: “How can we make this easy for him?” Oh, how I wish I could take away the pandemic and everything it has done to teachers and students in the past almost two years. Too many people have learned too many hard lessons, including losing loved ones, homes, jobs and the feeling of safety. And for young children, some are now feeling insecure while at school.

So, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

First, become aware and responsible for your own sadness regarding the pandemic. Notice that I didn’t say suppress or ignore your feelings; instead, make sure you aren’t making decisions or assumptions out of a place of sadness or anxiety. It is normal to feel unmoored by this time, but adding your sadness to your son’s worries will only exacerbate your issues.

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Second, remember that the most important attachment for your child is you. In an ideal world, every teacher and coach would be loving, compassionate, patient, funny and upbeat. But this is not life, and when children have a close relationship with their caretakers, they can weather less-than-desirable teachers. We all have memories of the special teachers who understood us more than others did, and that will be true for your son, too. By helping your son navigate this year in the best way possible, you are helping him become more resilient.

How else do we help with this adjustment? Let your son be sad about not having his previous teacher. If he complains or compares, just listen. It is better to allow these feelings rather than argue the point or persuade him that everything is “fine.” Chances are that, if you wait, your son will begin to move on to a place of acceptance, because this is how feelings work.

Reach out to his current teacher and find out some of her favorites, such as her favorite place, food, dessert, music, holiday or sport, and see whether you can make connections between her and your son. Maybe she loves chocolate chip cookies; you and your son could bake some one weekend. This isn’t a bribe; it’s a way for your son to feel connected to this new teacher, who probably has some amazing attributes.

Finally, have a family meeting or special time and discuss what is going well for your son. Mention specific incidents where he has demonstrated a growth mind-set (search Carol Dweck for more information about having a growth mind-set), and talk about the ways he has changed over time. Include statements such as: “Last year, it was hard for you to do [blank], but this year, it has been pretty easy for you. How did you learn this?” This is a powerful and subtle tool to keep your son moving forward, even when his situation isn’t ideal.