What Positive Parenting and Positive Discipline IS NOT…

Some questions I hear about positive discipline and parenting:

 

“The parents are not in charge.”

“There is no punishment, how are kids supposed to learn anything?”

 

So, let’s dispel some of the rumors.

 

Discipline means “to teach,” so positive discipline focuses on using techniques that help teach the child how to behave in a way that is age and developmentally appropriate, as well as behaving positively.

 

What positive parenting is NOT:

 

1). Being a PUSHOVER.

 

Discipline, for me, is very important, and discipline means to teach.  So, what does teaching look like in positive parenting?  It means creating only of couple of rules and keeping them.  It means allowing your child to experience real consequences without saving, lecturing, or punishing.  For instance, if your second grader is supposed to make her own lunch for school and she keeps “forgetting”, she should go to school without lunch and deal with it.  You don’t make it for her, and you don’t bring it to her.  There is no lecture…dinner is the next meal.  This consequence tells the child “Mommy and Daddy mean what they say.”  This is a message you want to instill now, not when they are 16 and running out of the house.

 

2)  Thinking your child is the BEST and telling them over and over.

 

Positive parenting is NOT cheerleading.  Do we all love, and often, adore our children?  Of course.  But positive parenting is not praise.  Praise is often high-pitched, vague, and outcome-based.  It sounds like “You are the BEST at brushing your teeth, wow!!!” or “Mommy loves this drawing!!!” or “I have never seen a better pitch in my whole life!!!”  Positive discipline uses encouragement to communicate.  Encouragement is specific, low-key, and most importantly, process-based.  “I see your drawing has four circles; red, yellow, blue, and green.  Tell me more about your picture…” or “Your piano recital really showed all of your hard work.  I saw you practice, everyday!  How do you feel about it?” and “Sharing your fire engine with your baby sister shows how much you are growing, thank you.”

 

3). Is not something that JUST works with little kids.

 

Courage, sensitivity, compassion, and respect are core values that carry us through the rest of our lives, in all of our relationships.  When potty-training, sleep training, morning routines, shoelace tying, meal-helping, and every other little tool and technique has faded away with the years, we are only left with our parental integrity and love.  Our young adult children will not need as many of these techniques, but the core values underpinning them will remain and will continue to guide them into the adult world.  Helping others, staying true to their convictions, and living courageously are traits that are fostered through routines, boundaries, and encouragement…so start them now!