Give up? GIVE UP? This sounds un-American, doesn’t it? We don’t give in and we certainly don’t give up. It’s a parent’s job to teach their kids life lessons, right? If we give up, who the heck is going to make kids: get dressed/brush teeth/do homework/eat dinner/bathe/learn respect/learn to be kind/not end up in jail?
When I think of “give up,” I think of it more like this: the more we try to control our children, the more often we end up battling with them. And the more we battle with them, the more discouraged we become. And the more discouraged we become, the less likely we are to see anything good or worthwhile in that child. The child is the nail and we are the hammers.
And when you think about the things you going to the mat for, well, I question if they are worth it. Your child will likely not die for going to bed dirty. The world will not explode if they don’t put clothes away. They probably won’t fail math if they do not attend to their homework, the exact way you think that they should (at the dining room table, at 7 PM, in total silence).
I am not suggesting that children run dirty, that rooms run amok with clothes, and that homework goes ignored. Actually, maybe I am.
What I am suggesting is that all of this reactive parenting (after the problem has started and when you are angry) simply doesn’t work. And it adds nothing to the pleasure principle of your life, not to mention your family life.
Attend to the problem when it is not acute. When you are feeling good, and when you and the kid are copacetic. Say something like “I have noticed that coats are not getting on in the morning. Do you have some ideas for how to get coats on, so that we can all get to the car?” Sounds kind of dumb, but this is respectful, proactive, and kind. May not work perfectly (count on that), but it is 100% better than screaming like a lunatic, while waving coats, standing in the doorway for all the neighbors to see. (That would’ve been me, many a time)
So, give up. Give up the fight. Give up the belief that your kids are as useless as you are afraid they are (they aren’t). Give up controlling people (because the only person you can control is yourself). Give up perfection (and some amount of cleanliness and timeliness…you will get it all back, eventually). Give up your lack of humor and start to laugh at the absurdity of life (you know, you, with all of your degrees and smarts, cannot move a three year old into a bath without ending up soaking yourself…that is funny).
And try proactively parenting, soliciting help, asking for support, and believing that your children want to help you. You might be surprised to see what happens…