Q: Our 4½-year-old is bright, funny and perfectly capable of dressing himself. Some days, he’ll get himself dressed from head to toe before we’ve even woken up! But other mornings (maybe 20 percent), getting him to dress himself is like pulling teeth while trudging through peanut butter. He whines and says he can’t do it while actively not trying.
We’ve been holding firm on these mornings and getting him dressed turns into an unpleasant slog for all. Is our expectation that he get himself dressed age-appropriate, and do we need to keep doing this? Or on these mornings, can we just cheerfully say “Okay bud, you need help today” without it becoming every day?
A: Thank you for writing; almost every parent has grappled with this back and forth and, while it may seem pretty small in the face of larger parenting problems, struggles like this can actually lead to real relationship issues with your child. And so it makes sense to look at whether you should hold a boundary or help your child here.
I also want to speak more broadly about the idea of generosity toward our children (of any age) and if it spoils them.
A 4½-year-old is a funny creature. You see leaps and bounds in maturity, growth, and they sure love their independence. For many children this age, their opinions know no end. A 4½-year-old can use logic, but they often still believe in magic, so arguing with them can quickly go off the rails. A 4-year-old is known for being “big and little,” and I am not sure who is more frustrated at this developmental stage: the parents or the child.
When we look at your son’s back and forth, we need to remember that growth is not linear. The growth spurts you see (I can dress myself!) are quickly followed by what looks like a regression (I can’t do it), which is confusing to a parent. You know the child is physically able to do it, so the refusal to get dressed feels manipulative and lazy. How can we understand this? Let’s look at it through an attachment lens.
As a human grows, they are meant to be emotionally and physically close to their main caregivers. This deep attachment helps them to mature, venture forth and take on new responsibilities and challenges — all the good stuff we want as parents! As the child grows and becomes more independent, the nervous system alerts the child to check back in with their attachments. It says, […]
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