Q: What are reasonable expectations for a first grader to manage their own morning routine? I’m finding myself getting really frustrated at the thousandth ‘put your shoes and jacket on’ after a thousand reminders to get dressed and brush teeth when it feels like they’re getting old enough to be more self-starting. We leave a reasonable amount of time to get ready, but also I need to get to work, so there’s not a lot of wiggle room to be late. How do I set all of us up for success on it? Chore charts or rewards or punishment or let it go because they’re not ready to manage more on their own yet? Natural consequences are limited, since I can’t really send them to school in pajamas and no shoes, plus I’m the only one who cares about being late (there’s not a bus to miss, I drop off). There’s also a pre-K kid in the mix, who does need a little more hands-on direction, but I’m open to being told my expectations are mis-calibrated there, too.
A: What a great question! Trying to figure out what is developmentally appropriate for your child is both a mixture of science and intuition; trial and error. You can read every book and article out there, but at the end of the day, all that matters is what is happening in your house, during your morning hustle.
However old your child is, let’s accept a universal parenting truth: whenever you are facing a hard deadline (you need to get to work), you are going to have a harder time. Our parenting brains beat a steady beat, “I can’t be late for work, I can’t be late for work, I can’t be late for work.” This stress quickly turns the best-laid plans into more challenges, so know this: any plan you make cannot be done in the moment of stress. I love that you “leave a reasonable amount of time to get ready,” because that is a must, no matter the plan. I also love that you want to set your child up for success, because your intentions matter as much as the plan you create.
As for what is appropriate for your child, we can first look at the developmental norms for your child. A typical first grader has a wide array of skills available to them, and these skills are different for each child based on their temperament, developmental issues, etc. Largely, a first grader can be logical, patient, considerate, funny, acutely awareness of fairness and friendship issues. Their language and ability to communicate has made huge leaps, but you can also see a quick slide into meltdowns and clinginess (they are giving their best at school every day!)
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As for routines, some first graders love order, and get up and get everything done, no prob. Some first graders cannot seem to make it from A to B without distractions and diversions, they also don’t seem to care about the teeth and clothing. Additionally, we need to take account of your part in the resistance. In my book, “Parenting Outside the Lines,” I refer to what I call “drive-by parenting,” which is when we parents yell commands and demands walking by our children, from one room to another or from one floor to another. These commands and demands, “put your shoes and jacket on,” not only don’t work, but it creates either power struggles, selective deafness in your children, or both. So, pause and take account of how many times you are repeating yourself, and what your child’s reaction is to the commands. Simply switching from the nagging to getting on your child’s level while you speak to them could make a huge difference! Your child could need one good redirect rather than twelve passive reminders.
As for a good plan, you can start small and move on from that point. Call a meeting with your child and simply say, “I have noticed that the shoes and jacket are tough to locate in the morning…tell me what you think is going on…” and then do some careful listening. Maybe your child says, “I can never find them,” (an organizational issue) or “I just want to play more in the morning…” (we can look at that for the morning) or “I don’t like waiting in the cafeteria in the morning, it is too loud,” (need some problem-solving for that time), etc. etc. The closer you can get to what is standing in the way, the better the plan you can make with your child. It may be that your child is simply distracted! You may need to streamline the morning; too much choice can lead to boredom and chao!
In any case, frame (and reframe) your plan with your child to be as cooperative as humanly possible. Yes, it’s true that children don’t hold our same priorities (that’s not their work), and raising children is an exercise in patience cultivation, but if you keep a sense of humor and stay on your child’s side, you will find the right path. Mostly. Good luck.
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