Why Don’t Kids Listen to Their Parents?

In research I recently released concerning parenting challenges and sources of parenting information, parents did not talk about breastfeeding preschoolers, how they are intimidated by French moms, or the fact that they couldn’t force their children to practice the fourth hour of piano (à la Tiger Mom). No, in fact, my research of over five hundred mothers shows that parents are struggling with normal and everyday issues.

When asked to choose what relationship challenges parents face with their children (ages 2 to 10), parents overwhelmingly chose: “Ignoring Requests or Directions”

Simply put: kids are not listening to their parents.

As a parent coach, I run into this. A lot. So, here are some of my thoughts on kids and why they ignore their parents.

1)   When we nag, beg, threaten and bribe, we teach our children to ignore us. Why? Without real consequences, children very quickly learn that they can ignore our requests and, well, nothing really happens. And if they wait out our screaming and tantrums…nothing really changes for them, does it? The parent is the one with the problem, not the kids!

2)   Ignoring parents is a classic passive power play, and it works! While big, loud, and angry power struggles are obvious ways to struggle, passively ignoring parental requests can also erode at the fabric of family life. Whether it is slowly walking to the car (despite numerous requests to “please, just hurry”), or the child can never ever EVER find their shoes (hence, the parent is begrudgingly dragged into a search and rescue shoe mission), children unconsciously know they are the ones holding the reins. I say unconsciously, because most small children are simply not making conscious decisions to struggle with you. They are just doing what they know how to do, and in this case, it is ignoring the parent to receive attention.

Bar Graphic: Meghan Leahy

3)   Quite often, children ignore parental requests because they don’t know exactly what needs doing. If you are nagging your child, stop and ask yourself this:  “Have I properly trained this child to do the requested task?” If this answer is “no,” consider teaching the child how to do the task!  Take your time with it, allow for imperfections and keep the training going! You can train on anything from getting dressed to setting the table to creating a homework system!  Involve the children in the decision-making, make it fun and keep it going!

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4)   Finally, if you have trained and set out explicit goals, and your child still ignores requests, allow for natural consequences. Unless it is a risk to life or limb, what would naturally happen as a result of you not interfering? So, for instance, if the five-year-old refuses to put their shoes on to walk to school, then put the shoes in a bag, and start to walk to school. If the child refuses to take the trash out, then let the trash build up and spill over. If the child will not finish her homework, then allow her to go to school with it incomplete. Yes, this may invite some uncomfortable moments and conversations, but the experience teaches far more than any lecture ever could!

With patience, planning and courage, we can teach our children to listen to us. Screaming, nagging, begging, bribing and punishing don’t work, and I know that our interactions with our kids can be better. So, make a plan and make it positive!

Review the rest of my research about parenting struggles.

 

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