So, what are the tips I have for the yelling? Here’s why we yell and what to do about it:
1) You are yelling because you are tired. You have a new baby in the house and an active three-year-old, and sleep is hard to come by. Or maybe there is a transition with a new job, an illness, a divorce, or simply your sleep is off from everyday stress. You are feeling wild with exhaustion, and your ability to cope is greatly compromised. I cannot explain how important sleep is, and long term lack of sleep leads to more and more impatience and yelling.
What can you do? Reassess your own routine and make sleep a priority. Avoid caffeine after noon, and don’t turn on the TV or other tech devices at night. Stop eating once you have had dinner, and have a cup of milk or decaf tea. A warm bath can also help! Some people need to hire more help or call in family so that they can sleep…do what you need to do to get the rest you need!
2) You are yelling because your routine is not working for the family. When we are rushed, stressed, or feeling late, stress and impatience are at an all-time high. It becomes easier to view children’s normalbehaviors as threatening challenges, and it starts to feel as though everyone in the family is actively working against you.
What can you do? Pay attention to the yelling and when you are becoming most angry. Is it in the morning? Does the alarm need to be set earlier? What can you prepare the night before? Pay attention to the basic routines in the family and make sure they are running as smoothly as they can (considering they will never be perfect!)
3) You are yelling because you are trying to control your child too much. As your child grows, she wants and needs more choices, more responsibility, and more power. It is easy to fall into a habit where you keep treating her as though she is younger; this is a normal parenting mistake. But it can often result in “you cannot make me do that, I am the boss of myself!” and other behaviors that feel quite defiant. Sometimes, though, when we control our children too much, they can move in the opposite direction and become passive-aggressive. Instead of fighting back, your child is constantly “disappearing” when something needs to get done or they are suddenly useless. This is the child you nag, cajole, threaten, beg, and eventually yell at, to get him to do something.
What can you do? Your children need real jobs. Real work. True responsibility. As young as two, children can be trained to do a whole host of jobs and become valuable individuals in the family! Rather than trying to change (and scream at) your kids, move in the direction of asking yourself: “what job do I need to teach my child so that he can do more for himself?” With patience and training, you can stop controlling your child and start supporting their independence.
4) You are yelling because you are not taking care of yourself or you are feeling unfulfilled. You used to wear good-looking clothes and were respected in the workplace, now you have worn the same yoga pants for five days straight, and “Goodnight Moon” may have too many words for you. You loved your career and felt passionate about your work, now you make grocery lists during meetings and rush to buy diapers on your lunch hour. You feel constantly rushed or incredibly bored. You look like a person you don’t know anymore, and your feel like your body has betrayed you. You don’t see friends enough and don’t have date nights with your partner. You eat left-over food off of plates and don’t exercise. In short, you really are not taking care of yourself. And when you don’t pay attention to your own needs, it is easy for resentment to take root and grow like a weed. Naturally, it is not the fault of your children that you are depressed and angry, but they get the brunt of the frustration and anger. It is easy to snap, yell, and belittle when we are feeling badly about ourselves. And let’s face it, our kids will always forgive us! It can quickly become a bad habit.
What can you do? You have to find a way to start taking care of yourself, from the big things to the little. From possibly leaving a job you hate to going back to work because your bored; from starting to eat well and exercise to joining a mother’s group; from committing to seeing your partner and friends more to going back to school…there are so many ways to start taking care of yourself. And when you are more hopeful, more optimistic, and more yourself, you are less likely to lose your patience and yell. Content people yell less. Parents who pay attention to their own needs are simply kinder to their children. So, from the tiny changes to the big ones, take stock (and responsibility) of your life and make the changes you need! Your whole family will change.
Finally, for whatever you reason you think you are yelling too much at the kids, try to remember that yelling is often the symptom, not the cause of your problems. Try to ask yourself: “why am I yelling?” and start there!