I vacillated between Elton John and The Biebs for the Subject Line, but let’s face it, Elton will win every time. (To hear that song, click here. It is 100% lyrically dramatic and amazing (just like Sir Elton himself, and I used to play this and cry into a pillow when boys rejected me in middle school.)
Anywhoooo, I was just in Disney and I won’t lie: I loved it. Yes, it is crazy consumerist and too crowded, but the children were delighted. Hence, I delighted in them. And I rode roller coasters with my arms up and screamed my face off. I didn’t think about Trump or Aleppo or anything else distressing. I just laughed and laughed. Pure freedom.
You may think I will write about the horrors of parenting I witnessed at Disney, but no. I mostly saw loving parents helping overwhelmed children. There were plenty of crying children, for sure, but I saw parents taking them to quiet corners and speaking to them in gentle tones. There were hugs and smiles, and the family kept going.
In particular, there was a family in the airport leaving Orlando where a very tall six or seven year old boy was having an epic tantrum. From my standpoint, he had some sensory issues and the parents were clearly accustomed to these outbursts. He clung to his mother’s leg, and screamed something about an injustice perpetrated by his younger brother (and apparently hits were also exchanged). I watched a calm come over her and she stood stock-still, holding two scalding coffees. The husband ran to her aid, gently peeled the boy off of her (which made his screaming worse). I began to panic, fearing that he would beat him right there in the airport, but instead he led his son to a seat, got on his level, and started speaking quietly to him. The boy was literally screeching and I could only imagine the father’s embarrassment, but he did not even look up to see the judging eyes. He began to instruct the child to count his breaths, and soon the boy was simply crying about his brother.
The father just hugged him and waited.
No consequence was given, nor was the boy forced to apologize to his little brother.
“Ah,” I thought, “What a wise father. He knows that the forced apology will incite more anger…”
The boys settled down and ate some breakfast. All was calm again.
What a master lesson in parenting, right? I spent the flight reflecting on what would have happened if he had forced his son to apologize. Certain disaster, that’s what would have happened.
Why is forcing children such a bad idea?
We are ignoring the actual emotions in front of us, which makes children feel misunderstood and misjudged (hence more frustrated.)
We are demanding that our children feel an emotion that they either are too immature to feel or don’t feel it genuinely (or a combo of both).
We are parenting from a place on control and anger when we demand apologies. We are not thinking clearly, and we are definitely not in-tune with our children.
We are training our children to say things they don’t mean.
We don’t give true remorse sorrow, and guilt a chance to occur naturally.
While unsatisfying in the moment, the airport father intuitively knew that we all feel remorse after our brains settle down, after we begin to breathe, and when some reflection can occur. This is not easy and it requires maturity; something children often lack.
So, how can you get a child to feel sorry? Technically, you cannot.
But here are some ways to help move your child toward empathy:
Educate yourself about the developmental milestones re: the age of your child. Most children are able to understand others perspectives until closer to five, six, or seven years of age. Get to know what is normal for your child!
After the incident is over, ask your child how you think the other person felt during the incident. Ask, “How did you feel when Elizabeth hit you? Do you think Elizabeth felt surprised and angry, too?” These exchanges can help you gauge how effectively your child can use feeling language.
Ask the child how they can make amends. Can they make a picture? Write a small note on a sticky? Get creative. If the child balks, back off.
Make sure they see you saying “sorry.” Apologize to them when you have yelled (and don’t do the “you made Mommy yell” thing, either). Apologize to your partner in front of your child. “Husband, I am sorry I lost my patience. I felt frustrated when I didn’t think you were listening to me.” Yeah, the language sounds jilted and weird, but this is how it is done.
Remind yourself that the time you spend NOT demanding apologizing can be spent connecting with your child. Connection + emotional safety = empathy for self and others.
Anywhoooo, I was just in Disney and I won’t lie: I loved it. Yes, it is crazy consumerist and too crowded, but the children were delighted. Hence, I delighted in them. And I rode roller coasters with my arms up and screamed my face off. I didn’t think about Trump or Aleppo or anything else distressing. I just laughed and laughed. Pure freedom.
You may think I will write about the horrors of parenting I witnessed at Disney, but no. I mostly saw loving parents helping overwhelmed children. There were plenty of crying children, for sure, but I saw parents taking them to quiet corners and speaking to them in gentle tones. There were hugs and smiles, and the family kept going.
In particular, there was a family in the airport leaving Orlando where a very tall six or seven year old boy was having an epic tantrum. From my standpoint, he had some sensory issues and the parents were clearly accustomed to these outbursts. He clung to his mother’s leg, and screamed something about an injustice perpetrated by his younger brother (and apparently hits were also exchanged). I watched a calm come over her and she stood stock-still, holding two scalding coffees. The husband ran to her aid, gently peeled the boy off of her (which made his screaming worse). I began to panic, fearing that he would beat him right there in the airport, but instead he led his son to a seat, got on his level, and started speaking quietly to him. The boy was literally screeching and I could only imagine the father’s embarrassment, but he did not even look up to see the judging eyes. He began to instruct the child to count his breaths, and soon the boy was simply crying about his brother.
The father just hugged him and waited.
No consequence was given, nor was the boy forced to apologize to his little brother.
“Ah,” I thought, “What a wise father. He knows that the forced apology will incite more anger…”
The boys settled down and ate some breakfast. All was calm again.
What a master lesson in parenting, right? I spent the flight reflecting on what would have happened if he had forced his son to apologize. Certain disaster, that’s what would have happened.
Why is forcing children such a bad idea?
We are ignoring the actual emotions in front of us, which makes children feel misunderstood and misjudged (hence more frustrated.)
We are demanding that our children feel an emotion that they either are too immature to feel or don’t feel it genuinely (or a combo of both).
We are parenting from a place on control and anger when we demand apologies. We are not thinking clearly, and we are definitely not in-tune with our children.
We are training our children to say things they don’t mean.
We don’t give true remorse sorrow, and guilt a chance to occur naturally.
While unsatisfying in the moment, the airport father intuitively knew that we all feel remorse after our brains settle down, after we begin to breathe, and when some reflection can occur. This is not easy and it requires maturity; something children often lack.
So, how can you get a child to feel sorry? Technically, you cannot.
But here are some ways to help move your child toward empathy:
Educate yourself about the developmental milestones re: the age of your child. Most children are able to understand others perspectives until closer to five, six, or seven years of age. Get to know what is normal for your child!
After the incident is over, ask your child how you think the other person felt during the incident. Ask, “How did you feel when Elizabeth hit you? Do you think Elizabeth felt surprised and angry, too?” These exchanges can help you gauge how effectively your child can use feeling language.
Ask the child how they can make amends. Can they make a picture? Write a small note on a sticky? Get creative. If the child balks, back off.
Make sure they see you saying “sorry.” Apologize to them when you have yelled (and don’t do the “you made Mommy yell” thing, either). Apologize to your partner in front of your child. “Husband, I am sorry I lost my patience. I felt frustrated when I didn’t think you were listening to me.” Yeah, the language sounds jilted and weird, but this is how it is done.
Remind yourself that the time you spend NOT demanding apologizing can be spent connecting with your child. Connection + emotional safety = empathy for self and others.
So, Sir Elton, you are right. “Sorry” does seem to be the hardest word.
Let’s not make it harder, okay parents?
xoxo,
Meghan