Q: I know infant feeding is a big and controversial topic. How do we move past it? How can I explain to family that formula feeding is in fact best for my family? I don’t feel guilty at all, but my in-laws feel as if I should.
A: Is there a topic any more polarizing in motherhood? Everyone has an opinion about it, whether it be where we can do it, how long it should last or what’s healthiest.
I do not need to get into the pros and cons of your choice; you have already decided what is right for you, your family and your baby.
What I will address is how to handle opinions placed on your parenting decisions.
Although conventional wisdom will tell you to make your parenting decisions, box everyone out and move on, we all know it is not that easy. By virtue of being a new parent, your life is full of decisions that others will judge. Most of these “others” are not personal, such as blogs, think pieces, other parents at the playground and work, or columns in newspapers (ahem). You can, and should, push these opinions aside, unless you are truly curious about another viewpoint. And while this seems obvious, I am always surprised how I can whip myself into a frenzy reading others’ opinions. So, stay away from the unsolicited opinions you can control.
But family is another story.
Your question to me is, “How can I explain to family that formula feeding is in fact best for my family?” and this is where the problem lies. You can’t. Not really.
I have a teacher (Karen Maezen Miller) who told me: “The best defense? No defense.” Essentially, if you truly feel secure, there is nothing left to say. When they can disagree with your decision to bottle-feed on many fronts and you “explain” or defend your decision, you have given them another opportunity to change your mind. They are waiting for you to see the light, and each exchange you have enlivens their hope. If you have explained (once, twice, three times) that you are confident with your choice and they are still not respecting your boundaries, there is no reason to anticipate that this will change.
So there is the answer to your question concerning how to explain your choice to your in-laws: Don’t.
So what are your options? Awkward silences and seething resentment? I am guessing your in-laws are a regular part of your life, and I am guessing you care about them. Here are some other ideas:
1. Have your “getaway” plan ready. This means that when the in-laws come at you with their opinions and questions, you have your statement at the ready. Some of my favorites are “I absolutely hear you. Oh! Oops! Gotta change the baby/use the toilet/get a burp cloth. Be right back!” When you feel really tense, let me suggest you “get something from the car.” When in the car, you can collect yourself, take a deep breath and just relax a moment.
2. Have the “appease and deflect” plan ready. If you are trapped in a car or at a meal and the conversation turns to bottle-feeding, simply settle it by saying something like, “Yes, it sounds like you know about this/have a lot of experience with this/have strong feelings about it. How about the weather lately? Do you think the temperature will stay cool? What are your fall plans?” If you practice the “appease and deflect” strategy enough, you can become a true conversational ninja. Your in-laws will feel simultaneously heard by you as well as steered toward something else they are interested in. But sometimes the best-laid plans don’t work and you simply must . . .
3. State, “I would like to change the subject, please.” The trick is to stay silent after you say this. (Otherwise you will start defending your point. Again.) If this statement is said clearly, kindly and eye to eye, it is a powerful boundary.
4. Finally, your husband should get involved here. This is his family, after all, and presumably he has been part of the bottle-feeding decision. There is no reason he can’t speak privately to his family and say something like, “Hey, listen, we are really comfortable with our feeding decisions, and we understand and respect you would prefer us to do something different. That is not going to happen. So, let’s just discuss how cute the baby is and move it along.” He should make the language his own, and he can make the point clearly, kindly and without any defense.
Ultimately, you have to be the one to stop having this discussion and come to some kind of peace with it. You will have your parenting decisions challenged in the future, and you can trust me on that. So, stay kind, maintain boundaries and listen to your intuition.