In your last chat, you had a post from a parent who’s son had been in a Montessori program and was having a hard time sitting all day. This is very common, particularly in the early grades. My sister teaches first grade, and she and her fellow teachers worked with their clever custodian and developed an elastic band that is stretched between the front chair legs that kids can kick (noiselessly!) to relieve fidget stress. She says it really helps! She has seen those great stand-up desks with the fidget bar, but alas there is probably not room in the local public school budget to fully fund those (although she’d love to see at least a few in every classroom). The elastic thing is a cheaper compromise. It might be worth approaching the teacher and the PTA/PTO to find handy parents who could help develop something like this.
Looks like we’re having a little tech issue, folks. Hang in there. Meghan’s trying to answer the question again and we’ll see if it works.
2) Competitiveness with brothers can be normal, but with everyone else…there can be some underlying perfectionism and insecurity there. Be sure that you are 100% GROWTH mindset in your family. (read Dweck’s important book Mindset to help understand the importance of focusing on growth of learning and acquisition of skills). Whenever possible, only focus on process, NOT OUTCOME. Not winning, not losing. Your son WILL focus on that, but don’t give it any oxygen. Don’t lecture him about it, just don’t engage that heavily. Just do a lot of, “hmmmm, yeah….”
3) He is going to be more and more uncomfortable with losing and not being the top as he gets older, and you have to make room for all these feelings. IT is okay for him to be angry and sad about it. Let all of those feelings out and be there for him. Let him know it is OKAY to be sad when you lose or when you are not the best. It is NORMAL to not like it. And it is okay to be sad to your parents, that’s what you guys are for. As he moves through these emotions more and more, you will see that he will become less STUCK in the perfectionism and insecurity! Also, find great books of stars (sports and otherwise) where these people LOST, and how these people REALLY feel about winning and losing. Don’t lecture, just let the message be out there…
Good luck.
I recently got a 3 month old puppy. My daughter said she was afraid of dogs but wanted a small puppy and I thought this would be a good way to help her with her fears. Needless to say the last few days have been challenging for her, but I see her slowly coming around. She will pet it if it’s penned up or I am holding it, and she will drop treats near it. She is fine talking to him while he is safely being held back, but puts her feet up and sits on something up high when he is loose. She enjoys watching us play with him and she really seems to want to play with him. I really think she can conquer this fear if I help her. Is there anything I can do to help her with this process?
And in any case, you are doing a BEAUTIFUL job here, I wouldn’t change a thing.
You are: NOT pushing, NOT cajoling, NOT begging, NOT lecturing, and NOT punishing.
Keep going, you are on track.
My 11 yo son handed me the iPad to unlock and I noticed that the immediate past search in safari was “How do you have sex” – now what? I thought about saying be careful what you search for because you will see some results that are really not accurate and not what we think of as sex, but then I thought that was a sure way for him to go searching. Is it just a question of “I noticed you were searching about sex and if you have any questions you should talk to me or your dad or reference the X number of books we have strategically placed around the house?” He’s in the middle of the health unit at school so is getting the science part of reproduction there.
ARGHHHHHH.
Finding stuff in tech is the WORST.
WORST.
But, this is a blessing.
So, no, don’t say to him, “I saw this and let’s talk…”
Just go ahead and talk.
Say, “Hey, so you having a health unit at school. Mom and Dad know so much…but do you want to hear something funny? This is what WE learned in school….” And then launch into a story about your sex-ed experiences. Go ahead and use the words….the REAL words. And go ahead and say, “It was so awkward, but we got through it!” And as hard as this is, do this in the car or when he is trapped with you for a bit…and see if you cannot just stay quiet and see if he says anything. I remember saying something to my daughter like, “Uggg, this was a rumor that you could pregnant in a hot tub!” And then I laughed and waited. After ten full minutes (which is a LIFETIME), she said….”Well, could you?” This introduced a conversation about sperm, how it travels, what is needed, etc.
Awkward? COMPLETELY. But was I the source of info? Yes.
The internet is pretty much porn, so block what you can, stay a little snoop-ish, and try to not be afraid. He is curious and that is normal. Be his source of safety and info….
We have two wonderful daughters, 3 and 1, who are every bit as curious, assertive, and creative as a dad could want. They are in such a different place developmentally, that they often get frustrated when doing things together even though if the other is around they always want to play together. The three-year-old with her better developed language and motor-skills inevitably dictates play, to the frustration of the one-year-old. We balanced all this until about three weeks ago, when my wife started feeling the effects of Number Three. Now it’s all dad for both girls all the time, and I find myself slipping into stereotyping the one-year-old as “the grumpy one” or “the problem child” even when I know she’s acting this way because of these reasons (as well as other one-year-old reasons). What can a dad do to not accidentally force stereotypes on impressionable daughters over the realistically year and a half when one-on-one parental attention is just not an option (or forever after with three…)?
I am so impressed with you.
You ask, “what can a dad do…?” Well, you are doing it. You really are.
You gotta keep this in front of you. Your brain will try to go into a habit of labeling the kids, so just keep catching yourself doing it.
And listen, and I want you really listen here: this is a super-tiring and intense time to parent.
You can bring your best dadding to the table, and it is STILL hard.
You MUST do stuff to make you feel human and happy. Or happier. Exercise, eat well, get away from the kids….whatever you want, just do it. If you can afford to get some childcare, DO IT. If you have a gym with daycare, USE IT. Just catch a break, because the physicality and emotional swings of children this age MANDATE you take care of yourself.
If you don’t, this is how it goes:
You get burnt out and tired.
You label kids.
You wish you didn’t and make yourself feel bad.
Which makes you more tired and resentful.
Which makes you loathe parenting.
Which makes you an angry dad and not-great spouse.
SO: keep doing what you are doing, be nice to yourself, like Dorie, “Just Keep Swimming” and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
xoxo
My nearly 2-year-old is a sweet love all day long (sharing with others, happy to meet new people, interested in other children), however, when she gets tired, she tries to bite me and pinch my face. This only happens when she is tired and I’m trying to brush her teeth or get her into bedtime routine. I’ve tried saying, “no, pinching/biting.” Putting her on floor and saying, “biting/pinching hurts.” I’ve been doing this consistently for months. She’s now started saying, “No, biting/pinching” hours later or next day when rested. How do I stop these behaviors for good? I’m the only person she is doing this to and I dread it happening at daycare to another child. Thank you!
This is so normal, it could not be more normal if we tried.
I am going to give you a list of things to stop doing;
1) Stop talking. It is not landing on her the way it ought to, and she’s just repeating it. It isn’t working. Stop.
2) Stop looking at getting rid of behaviors for good. That is not parenting. She is expressing her normal frustration and it is going to come out, one way or another. We don’t want to stop that. So, totally change your mindset to: how can I help her let out frustration.
See what else she can pinch and bite…cloth? Pillows? The end of your shirt? A stuffed animal? Keep saying, “ohhhh, I see the bites are in you…let’s get them out!”
No matter what, communicate that you and she ARE ALL GOOD. that you love her and are not “mad” at her.
It will pass.
My 3 year old consistently asks the same question throughout the day. Is this normal? Questions change day to day, but morning, noon, and night.
Is this normal?? Oh My GOODNESS. Yes. Frustratingly normal. (Um, right, Meghan?)
ermagosh, yes it is normal.
Give this child some special time. Set the timer, answer all the questions, and then feel free to let the child know KINDLY throughout the day, that you cannot answer all of these questions.
I have given children recorders and had them record all of their questions for me…that has worked wonders…
But sometimes this means that your child needs some strong eye contact and then some strong, THAT’S ENOUGH. Big love, strong boundaries.
You don’t.
You cannot convince anyone to be their own person.
Individuality while in a group in the height of maturity (some adults never get there), and you cannot force someone to mature.
The answer here sounds paradoxical, but let’s give it a try.
The more obsessed she is with her friends, the more time she needs with adults/caregivers/parents. Because she trying to find herself in her peers, she needs more ACTUAL role models who make her feel safe.
I would limit playdates, limit time spent with friends, focus more things happening at your house and within your family, and find ways to expand your daughter’s interests that doesn’t JUST involve friends.
As she matures, she will handle friendships better, but I would interrupt this now.
My fifth-grader is between a rock and a hard place this year–academic needs not being met and little connection with classmates outside of school. We (and this includes the child) like the school in general and have talked with school staff about issues, but we’re just losing confidence that it’s the right choice anymore. In general, what are good resources for talking through options and pros/cons of making changes? Child psychologist does not quite seem right and principals of this or other schools would have a vested interest.
So my friend E.V. Downey is an educational consultant, is VERY good at this and if you are in a city, there are people just like her.
Start looking around for someone like this, and in the meanwhile, make a list of your child’s characteristics.
Where has thrived before? Is he gifted? Does he have other learning needs? Sensory issues? Is he shy and sensitive? Sporty? Arty? All of it? None of it?
You are going to have to visit many schools, but at the end of the day, your instinct is your best bet.
And a GOOD principal isn’t making a sale like a car. They want the right kids for their school (esp. private) so they should not be selling to everyone. They want every child to do their best…so it is in their best interest to not cast too wide a net.
Good luck…the right school is out there…keep the faith. 🙂
She is 8 years old. Yes, we are definitely not pushing, or punishing or anything and she seems to be coming along. We will keep it up, I want her to love dogs as much as I do!
Change your mantra to: I want her to love dogs as much as she can!
That may mean a little, that may mean a lot.
It’s really not up to you if she is an animal person or not.
Of course, dogs ARE awesome, but if your daughter doesn’t love them…that’s okay. You love your dog and that’s enough.
Does that make sense?
Thanks for joining us. Meghan has more questions she couldn’t get to, but keep an eye out — she may use them for future columns. Her advice column runs online every Weds. right here, and in Local Living in the print version of The Post. You can find out more about her at PositivelyParenting.com. Make sure to give her a “like” on Facebookfor her many bits of wisdom.
Speaking of Facebook, check out On Parenting there for our essays, as well as other parenting news we find interesting.
Thanks again and we’ll chat again on the 16th.
Find this over on The Washington Post.