Q: I’ve been with my husband since my stepchildren were 2 and 3. Now that they are hitting puberty, things have really gone awry. Anytime I try to reinforce house rules, such as brushing their hair and bedtime, they get unreasonably angry and start lying to their biological mom about me, presumably to punish me. Bio-mom has a high-conflict personality and will embellish and escalate any perceived issues. We have them in counseling and have discussed these issues, the lying and the anger, separately and together with them. How do I continue to parent (my son is the same age and lives with us) without continual anger and lying? I want to protect myself, but I also don’t want to shut down and become resentful of my stepkids.
A: There are lots of sticky issues here: stepchildren, puberty and a biological mom who may be adding fuel to the fire. Although I have tremendous empathy for your situation, I’m going to begin with the kids. Why? Well, I always like to figure out what is going on with the most immature people first.
You have three children who are all reaching adolescence at the same time (yikes), and although I do believe that this is a wonderful time for children, it can feel a bit like a roller coaster for parents. The rules that were accepted before (brushing hair and bedtime) become fertile ground for power struggles. No longer little kids, these children want to control their time and their bodies, and you can quickly find yourself in an unintended fight. The pushback you are experiencing from these children is common. Yes, the lying and tattle-telling is another issue, but I haven’t met a 10-, 11- or 12-year-old who happily accepts commands to brush their hair. What these children do have, though, that many other children don’t, is a way to offset their frustration and create more problems. When they are sick of your rules, they can run to their bio-mom to complain and stir the pot, creating friction for the families.
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I know we are concentrating on the tattle-telling and lying, but I have to ask: Are you creating unreasonable rules with these children, and do they have a voice? One mistake that many parents make (me included) is that we create logical rules when a child is, say, 7, but we continue with the rule as the child ages, even though it stops making sense. For instance, reminding young children to brush their hair makes sense, but as they move into their preteen years, this kind of rule feels “babyish” and controlling. Yes, preteens often need to brush their hair. But the more you double down on this fight, the more ground you lose.
I know some parents will say, “So we are just supposed to abandon all rules when the going gets tough? Allow the kids to run the house?” No, I am suggesting that we zoom out to see the larger picture. We are the adults; we are the ones who have to understand when something has gone too far, when the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. The most important aspect of parenting is connection, not holding onto arbitrary rules. We can easily get stuck on rules and discipline, but they don’t work well without a solid relationship backing them. Sometimes, we have to temporarily back off our disciplinary plans to work on the relationship.
An alternative to the extremes of “all rules, all the time” or “no rules ever” is the idea of setting rules with the children in a family meeting. This strategy is a respectful and effective way to allow preteens to have a voice while maintaining your authority. (And while we are talking about authority, where is your husband in all of this? I understand that you’ve been parenting these children probably close to a decade, but I’m really interested in his voice, too.)
As you chat with the children, ask about their priorities and desire to govern themselves. The more amenable they are to talking with you, the more likely it is that you can move toward cooperation and less complaining to bio-mom — the less amenable, the more likely you need to back off the rules and focus more on the relationships.
In addition to your relationship with your stepchildren, I’m wondering about the powerful attention the children are getting from their bio-mom. Even though they may be exaggerating the truth and creating mayhem, it could be that she is giving them some desperately needed attention. Pitting you against her ensures that the bio-mom is staying invested in their lives; could it be that the children unknowingly want and need this? This isn’t conscious for the children; they didn’t plan this.
I keep asking questions because I want you to see more options than just protecting yourself or becoming “resentful.” Back out of the rules for a bit, reevaluate your relationship with the kids, ask your husband for more support, and try to see the children’s actions as fulfilling a need rather than trying to destroy you.
The therapist should be looking at these larger issues (the lying as a sign of a deeper need); if they aren’t, seek someone else.
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