My ex has a ‘difficult personality.’ How do I help our son deal with his dad?

Hi Meghan, I am a divorced mom of two kids, 11 and 13. I share custody with their dad, who I know to be a difficult personality. I have felt like my kids are too young to get into the specifics, but it seems that they are starting to pick up on some facets.

My daughter, the youngest, seems to have picked up that being agreeable with her dad keeps her out of trouble or minimizes punishment. My son, however, is more likely to speak up in the face of inconsistencies and he gets punished heavily. For example, my son is in a month-long punishment (which also means he can’t read his favorite books) because he had one bite left of a meal that he was unable to finish before a timer went off. Although I wasn’t there to see this, I believe it — I’ve seen him do things like that before. Both of my kids recognize their dad has a favorite, and my son is regularly telling me it obviously isn’t him and his punishments aren’t fair.

I am aware that I can’t and shouldn’t confront their dad about how he is running his house. But I wonder what I can do, especially for my son, when he’s with me. How can I support him, and what advice should I give him? I hate to tell him not to tell the truth as he sees it, but maybe encouraging him to back down with his dad would help smooth his path with him for the next few years. I just want to build him up so he doesn’t grow up believing he’s not a good kid.

— Worried Mom

Worried Mom: Thank you for writing; I am glad you are curious about how honest you should be with your son and we will get into that, but I am stuck on the fact that your son is being punished for not finishing a bite of food.

Do not think for a minute that this isn’t abusive and manipulative behavior on the part of your ex. For more signs of emotional abuse, check out this list, but you can see the first sign is, “Parents or caretakers place demands on the child that are based on unreasonable or impossible expectations or without consideration of the child’s developmental capacity.” Your child is too old to have a timer placed on his meals, and it is manipulative to take away basic things like books. That your son spots inconsistencies is developmentally appropriate, and I like to see his fighting spirit. I am so sorry his father is trying to crush that spirit.

My first recommendation is that you document every single thing your ex is doing. I don’t know how custody and lawyers are involved in this, but the proper parties need to know about your ex’s behavior. It depends on your state, but your son may be old enough to have a say in his custody agreement. Don’t talk about it with your son until you have the facts in front of you, but please contact your lawyer as soon as possible.

The deepest pain of this entire scenario is that you have no control over your ex, his inconsistencies or his harmful punishments and, therefore, no control over your children’s pain. And there’s nothing worse than seeing your children in emotional or physical pain. When there’s so little to control, the one power you do have is to help your children process their anger, disappointment and pain. You want to know if you should encourage your son to back down, and there is no easy answer to this. It is a lose-lose for your son: If he gives in to his father’s unreasonable demands and thinking, he loses confidence. If he keeps fighting his father, he will always be the victim of unreasonable punishments and manipulation. Be honest with your son about this, and begin to problem-solve with him around the best way to navigate his father. Help your son get specific around the pain points (meal times, for instance), create a plan and practice the scenarios with your son.