It is the “something sparkly” that seems to trip everyone up. Some kind of brunch happens, and construction paper cards are whipped together, but there is always a vague sense of doom when it comes to men giving that “something special.”
I stood with about six women last night. We were all trying on jewelry at a party and I said “Hey, get that necklace for yourself for Mother’s Day!” They each sighed and started saying “I really just want my husband to give me diamond studs. Like the ones you have…” I did have beautiful, not ostentatious, studs in my ears and they were from my husband for Mother’s Day. I smiled and told them the truth behind the earrings.
Four years ago, I had just had my second daughter. Up until the birth in early April, I had dropped hints, left websites open on his computer, pointed out earrings on other women, drooled at the Tiffany’s displays near my OBGYN, you name it. There was something about diamond studs that said, “you appreciate me” and “this seems to be the quintessential gift a husband gives his wife.” You and both know that is a bunch of bull, and what I really wanted was the moment: the moment that someone who loves you reads your mind and does everything just right.
So, how did the studs end up in my ears? Well, in the never-ending chapter called “Everything My Mother Has Told Me is Turning Out to Be True,” she advised my on my diamond stud quest. “Just tell him, Meghan. Just tell him you would like the earrings. He doesn’t get the hints. Do yourself a favor and stop the nonsense.” Huh. Well, that’s what I did. And I got the earrings. And they are beautiful, but the real gift was I stopped expecting my husband to be a mind-reader. And what does this have to do with parenting? Many parents have these thoughts: “Doesn’t this child know how tired I am?” “When will this kid learn how to just sit on the toilet like I want him to?” “Don’t these kids know I am trying to make them dinner while they are fighting? They are so ungrateful.” While normal, these thoughts are like just waiting and waiting for the diamonds. You keep waiting for your kids to get it and snap out of it, and they don’t. And like the hint-dropping and clue-leaving, many parents are not direct with their children about their needs and feelings. It is good to say, “Mommy needs help at dinnertime everybody! Who is doing the milks? Who is doing utensils?” It is direct, it is clear, and it is fair.
Would life maybe be a tad sweeter if the kids walked in and said, “wow, you look tired Mom, let me help.” Yes. But waiting for that moment is unrealistic and unsatisfying, and life is more than the Hallmark “moments” we’ve been sold. Life is about finding out what you really want and need, and having the cojones to ask for it.
So, the diamond studs are in the ears and I love the man who gave them to me. That I had to ask for them is not the stuff of movies, but he is a tender dad and a supportive husband and I will take that any day over a “moment.” For Mother’s Day this year, give your kids the gift of clarity and honesty.