“It hurts,” this Mom said to me, “and I am having trouble getting over it.”
I have so much respect for the mother who can write those words because:
A) I usually get e-mails about how these things are “unacceptable” (which is the verbal roadblock before getting to the hurt place), and
B) It is not easy to write out those words. Any of them. Takes courage, which I always respect.
So, I started to think about a class I took while at Hopkins. I cannot remember the exact name of the course, but I loved the professor. He speciality was counseling at-risk adolescents and part of the lesson I took away was the idea of therapeutic button-pushing. What? Well, the idea is that these aggressive, angry, and provocative teens will purposely say horrible things to their counselors to “throw them off the scent.” The teens feel so unlovable that they go ahead and preempt any compassion that an adult may show by insulting them first. And they can really go for it.
So, a good counselor may realize that being told “you are stupid bitch” will generate anger and resistance within themselves, so they will purposely have someone tell them over and over and over “You Are A Stupid Bitch” until the words have no more meaning. They do not carry any power; the words have exhausted themselves, hence not provoking a response in the counselor.
Why would I tell you, the parents, this story? You are NOT therapists and your children are not angry teens.
But there is value in this story for understanding the perspective of the child.
The teen was trying to push away first out of intense anger, fear, and pain.
A four year old? Not the same. BUT.
A four year old, who is a new player in the wonderful and amazing language game, LOVES to see the big reactions he gets to his new phraseology. From the good to bad, the 4 year old knows he wields power.
And how does she know? He knows from your furrowed brow. You lecture about hurt feelings and apologies. You may stomp away in anger or even have tears in your eyes. The child holds the power.
Not purposely, mind you. The 4 year old is not that savvy.
But. It is heady stuff to the young mind to watch Mom sometimes delight, sometimes squirm.
I like to think that the 4 year old is only warming you up for those teen years. You can remember them, right? I mean, I remember throwing the kitchen sink of venom and invective at my mom, and I loved (and love) her to pieces. She was number one in my life, and I tried to tell her she wasn’t through a slew of words and actions.
So parents, take heart.
The “I Hate You’s” and “I Love Daddy More’s”…yes, they sting. But the more you hear them, the less they sting. Really. Just try to remember that this is an active brain trying to find a toehold of attention.
And remember, if you are doing a really good job, pretty soon the kid will try to run away. Then you know you are really entering into the big leagues!
Love this truth Meghan! And as a therapist who has worked with adolescents for years, I can say with certainty: we can have someone tell us “you are a stupid bitch” over and over to take the sting away..and then the teen will say something different that targets with laser precision exactly what we feel insecure about. Knowing they’re pushing us away because of their pain is the only way to take the sting out. And it still gets us. Our own children do the same things and it catches us by surprise all over again! Thank you for your honest take on the hardest parts of parenting!
I good reminder that it’s about them and where they are, not about you. And that you get to choose how to react to it.
It’s always great to read your posts and get a new perspective on the day to day. Thank you for everything you do!
As usual, there is always a nugget in every post that I can apply to my parenting challenges! I am currently having issues with my young kids and using hurtful words with me and other kids. Thanks for the insights!
We have definitely noticed this mores with our now 3 year old (he has twin 5 yo brothers) where he will say that he doesn’t want daddy, only mommy or calls one of us stupid. It hurts, for sure, but hopefully we are building up our stamina for the later years and that won’t be so much of a shock (wishful thinking)
I love this! Thank you for the reminder.
This is great! My three year old is pushing away from her dad right now. He’s working nonstop in his current position, is away for work a lot and works late when he is home. She doesn’t want him to give her bath or bed and she’s withholding kisses and hugs. It’s breaking his heart but i think it kinda falls into this realm of power. Thanks for another thought provoking article!
VERY timely! My 8 year old has been an “adolescent” for quite some time! Another helpful comment I was advised with today was, “It’s not ‘won’t,’ but ‘can’t.’ It’s not that she won’t follow directions, it’s that she CAN’T. Lots to think about!
Glad to see this written about. My husband takes this so personally and I always tell him to just let it roll
Off his back!!
My comment may not be appreciated by all. We have twin (very different) 13 year old girls and a bold yet sensitive 9 year old boy. When it’s all going to hell in a handbasket, my husband and I remind each other that at least we don’t have teens throwing hateful language in our face and slamming doors. Whatever the reason, we very much appreciate that, so far at least, we’re making it through these years with somewhat civil kids and one less thing to deal with. That said, we’re early in this process, and anything that helps us understand that the language itself is a symptom of underlying stuff is always good to file away for when the time comes. Thank you!