So, imagine my horror when I was driving last week and heard a radio show where a therapist was talking to the host about horrible, excruciating, terrible and tortured adult sibling relationships. People were calling in, describing hellish and awful sibling relationships: extreme anger with their parents, lengthy, costly and failed therapy, miscommunication, avoidance, ruined family structures and holidays, losing touch with whole branches of families, etc.
It went on and on.
My heart sank. I believed what I told my clients (and let’s face it, myself) about creating positive sibling interactions, but in the face of such anguish on the radio show, I was no longer sure. These men and women calling in, they were so sad. Some were angry, but most expressed a deep sadness.
How can we, as parents, possibly avoid such conflict, anger and miscommunication for our children? Or are we doomed?
So the last call comes in, and this man describes how both his mom and dad came from truly dysfunctional homes, and they both had little to no relationships with their own siblings as a result of how competitive their respective parents were. He then went on to describe that he enjoys warm and supportive relationships with his siblings, seeing them often and talking on the phone frequently. The radio host and therapist (and ME) were dying to know: what was the secret? What did his parents do to cultivate these great sibling friendships in the face of their own emotional challenges?
The man took a deep breath and said, “My mom and dad took the time to get to know each one of their children (four in total), really listened to each child and did the best they could to treat each child fairly.”
The host and therapist said, “So, that’s it?”
The man continued to say that his parents made a conscious decision to not choose sides or label the kids. He made note, a couple of times, how hard this was due to the fact that his parents didn’t really know how to do this; they simply had to press on, making mistakes, making amends and moving forward.
The host, the therapist and I were silently listening, filled with hope and inspiration. When the man finished speaking, the therapist said (with joy in her voice), “That’s the best thing I have heard in ages!” and the host smartly added, “I think we should end the show on a positive note!”
I had been fretting about the “just right” advice or tip for my clients when it came to addressing sibling relationships, but was reminded, beautifully, that that is not what it is about.
Listening, paying attention, appreciating and growing the good in each individual child are the keys. These are parenting skills that work because, instead of battling a negative, you are encouraging authenticity. Every human wants and needs to be understood for who they really are. Kids are no different. When children believe they are understood, appreciated and needed in the family, they are less likely to argue, bicker and fight.
Am I suggesting it is as simple as paying attention…fully seeing your child for who they are, right now? That this, this, will combat sibling rivalry and feuding later?!?
Yes, yes I am.
Life is complicated; each child is different and will have a myriad of experiences affecting their relationship with each other. As a parent, you cannot control all of that.
So, go for the simple. Accept your child for exactly who they are, right now. Notice (aloud) his or her goodness, and keep it going.
They will fight; nothing is perfect. But you can start to relax, knowing that you are growing your family in the right direction.
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