Q: I’m a dad of two: a girl and a boy. I find that I’m a lot tougher on my son than my daughter, even though he’s younger. I also have a short leash and am easily triggered when he (age 3) whines, in a way I don’t think I was with my daughter. Is this normal for dads?
A: Is it normal for dads to be tougher on their sons than their daughters? Anecdotally, I see this pretty often in American parenting, but I cannot speak to dads’ parenting styles all over the world. There is a 2017 study related to this question, published by the American Psychological Association, that gathered information from brain scans and recorded daily interactions among 52 fathers. The study found that they were more emotional with and attentive to their daughters, while they were more physical and used “achievement-related language (e.g., words such as proud, win and top)” with their sons.
The science doesn’t point to fathers’ brains being hard-wired to respond to their daughters more gently, so it’s easy to imagine that “tough men” have been raised by tough men who have been raised by tough men — and on it goes. I do see this trend beginning to change, especially since I was growing up, but I’m guessing the culture you identify with may have some kind of history of “strong men” that you have continued with your son.
I give you this information because I truly want to get to the bottom of what “normal” is in our parenting culture. First, if you are parenting more than one child, you will parent them differently. That’s how it goes. You may favor, identify with, get your buttons pushed by or seem to understand one child more than the other. Parents don’t usually want to admit this, but it’s true, and it’s really only a problem if we allow it to happen without taking responsibility for ourselves. So you’re ahead! You know you are doing this, and you are beginning to see the habit it’s creating.
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I am also wondering whether there is something about the whining that is especially problematic for you. Is it that your daughter’s whining felt more acceptable to you? Did she not whine that much, so it’s a newer issue for you? Were you disciplined harshly for whining or expressing big emotions while you were growing up? To fully understand this problem and move past “normal,” I would recommend zooming out and taking a harder look at the situation. Get specific. Did your daughter whine, and what did you do? When does your son whine? Are you triggered every time? Is it every day? The clearer you are on your patterns, the more likely you are to change them.
I know you are writing to ask whether your behavior and reaction to your son are normal, but I want to challenge you to change the norm of how we raise our sons. We know from research and evidence in our daily lives that restricted emotions in men are linked to depression, a lower likelihood of seeking mental health treatment, decreased social intimacy and marital dissatisfaction. That’s a trend we don’t want to continue.
Think of it this way: Daughters benefit from roughhousing and more physical play, just as sons benefit from tenderness and attention to their emotions. Create a plan to make tangible changes for both of your children. This may involve hiring a parenting coach, taking parenting classes or reading books such as “How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen” by Joanna Faber and Julie King. But it is a worthwhile endeavor. Your children are young; making adjustments now can lead to important changes in your relationships with both of them. Don’t accept normal! And by asking this question, it seems as if you are on your way. Good luck.
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