When I read the recent New York Times article about children and their lovies, my very first thought was: “Wow, I have had my blankie since I was born.  And some parents want their young children to quit their lovies?  They would have to pry mine from my cold, dead, hands.”

So, yes.  I have a blankie.  Well, it is really a nightshirt…a 25-year-old nightshirt.   This current “blankie” is the third in a line of blankies.  It went: REAL blankie, nightshirt, nightshirt.  No matter what went wrong (my mother taking it away and using to scrub toilets.  Yes, still scarred) or that I gave it up to get my ears pierced (I had another blankie waiting for me in the wings), I have spent my entire life with an iteration of a blankie. iStockphoto

Naturally, I am not going to be the parent coach that tells you that there is anything wrong with a child that has a lovey.  In fact, (and science is on my side here, folks) lovies are normal, healthy, and can be anexcellent way for a child (or adult) to face an uncertain world.

Lovies are not an indication of immaturity, a flag for self-esteem issues, nor a sign of attachment disorders.  As the NYT article says, “The specificity of the child’s preference — and affection — parallels the developing ability to feel a strong specific attachment to particular people. The transitional object is “a bridge between the mother and the external world,” said Alicia Lieberman, an expert in infant mental health and a professor at the University of California, San Francisco.”

So strong is this “bridge,” that I have recommended to parents who are reuniting with their babies in foster care that they, the parents, continuously sleep with a little lovey, and keep cycling the lovey in and out with the baby.  The smell, the feel, the look of the lovey…all of these characteristics link the babies brain to “Mom” or “Dad.”  It is amazing how quickly young babies can recognize and reach out for these lovies.  It is a powerful connection for both parent and child!

But, well-meaning parents want to know, what to do we when we feel like the lovey is holding us hostage?  It is dirty, the child wants to bring it into school, or the child will ignore friends to play with it?

Okay, here are some positive parenting ideas to handle the some of life’s little lovey peccadilloes:

  • The lovey is filthy.  Whenever possible, obtain many copies of the “blankie” so you stand a chance of washing or cleaning it.  If you can, go ahead and “sneak” clean it.  If sneaking is not in the cards, have the child “help” you put in the washer or sink, add the soap, etc.  There may be crying, but just soothe and love, and soon enough…poof!  The blankie reemerges clean and happy.
  • The blankie is traveling into school where it is being taken away and/or possibly lost.  This is a difficult, but a real and needed time to establish and hold a parental boundary.  “Tommy, Blankie is going to stay right here, in your car seat.  When I pick you up, it will be here.  Now go have fun!”  Kiss kiss, and off the child goes.  Yes, the child will scream bloody-murder for a couple of days, but if you keep the blankie where you said it would be, all will be okay.  DO NOT try to reason with the child about possibly losing the blankie, having the blankie torn, hurt, or taken.  Your child doesn’t understand those concepts, so just stand your ground and allow your child to flourish at school (without the blankie).
  • The blankie is becoming a tyrant.  The blankie is demanding you (Mom) sit somewhere else, the blankie doesn’t like peas anymore, and the blankie doesn’t want to share with the play date who is visiting.  The blankie is ruling with any iron fist, and you have had it.  You say, “Matilda, Blankie is welcome, and if he does not share/use his manners/or allow eating to occur, Mom is going to have to remove Blankie.”  Again, this is Boundary Holding 101.  It ain’t going to be pretty, but it works.

 

When in doubt, don’t worry about the lovies.  They are safe, they are routine, and they are a little piece of home, a little piece of you.  When you look at it that way, it is easier to smile and decide to wait for a battle that is truly worth it.