“PLEASE Get into YOUR Bed and STAY THERE!”
How many times have you said that to your children? Once, twice, hundreds of times?
Children join us in our beds during times of real need. Maybe your young one was really sick for a couple days and needed extra love; maybe there has been a change in the family (new sibling, new move, new school, etc.), and the child has been feeling nervous and needing attention. Maybe there have been nightmares, or their imaginations have gotten the better of them. All you know that is that it has been a month, you are being kicked in the ribs every night and don’t sleep for more than an hour straight. And forget about intimacy with your partner!
And beyond the sleeping hardships, you have the nighttime drama. You bathe them, you read to them, you snuggle, you tuck them in and POP. There they are! In the hallway. In the family room. In the kitchen. Needing “one more drink” or “one more hug” or “It’s too dark” or “I think I see something” or “If you get into bed with me, then I will sleep…”
Hours and hours pass, and your anger increases. You have things to do. And more than that, you desperately want to be ALONE. Your jaw clenches, your hand may grasp their upper arm a little too tightly; you may begin to threaten. You yell. You really yell. The child cries. The baby wakes up. The night has gone to pot. Meanwhile, your partner is hiding somewhere in the house.
Or, rather than yell, your anger gives way to desperation and hopelessness. You give up and get into bed with the child, or allow them to come in with you. You stare at the ceiling, wondering, “Will I ever be a normal adult again?”
Oh, I’ve been there.
What are you supposed to do?
You know the quote, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women are merely players.” You, my friend, are involved in some pretty serious theater, and you are performing with a professional! In order to exit this drama gracefully, you need to decide to do something different.
Firstly, you need a plan. When I work with my clients, I customize each bedtime routine for what works for them, but most plans have the same key elements:
1) You solve the problem at another hour (that is nowhere close to bedtime). Tell the child he or she will be sleeping in their own bed, and that you are going to help them to do it! You will create a bedtime chart, and this can become a fun and creative activity between parent and child! Display the chart where the child can see it, and let them know we are going to stick to it!
2) You increase the special one-on-one time, but NOT DURING BEDTIME. During the day, after you come home from work, in the mornings: start spending some one-on-one time with your child. As this becomes more and more of a habit, your child trusts that you are available and will start to go to bed more smoothly. When a child receives positive attention for positive behaviors, those behaviors are likely to repeat. When the child receives attention for popping out of bed, whining, crying, begging and threatening, THOSE behaviors are likely to repeat. So, fill that attention cup up when the time is right!
Photo Source: Thinkstock/iStockphoto
3) Get ready for the nighttime. Have your partner on board and ready to help. Mentally, you need to get ready for a potentially long night. Keep calm, do your routine chart, and then keep putting lovely child into bed. Don’t talk, don’t make too much eye contact and don’t interact too much. Bigger don’ts? Don’t huff around, don’t become angry, don’t eye-roll and don’t glare. So, yes you need to be calm. This is why you need your partner to step in; you are going to need a break. The first thing in the AM, you go into their bedroom and say, “YOU DID IT! YOU SLEPT IN YOUR BED!” There is lots of love and hugs and celebration.
4) BUT! This could be hard. You may quit. You may give up. You may have to start again the next night. IT IS OKAY. Really. Life is short; you don’t have to choose this battle if you are not ready. If it is causing MORE fights, more drama and more strife, then STOP. Your child WILL sleep in his own bed, one day. Of this, I am certain. Do you have the right to your personal boundaries, to a childless night, to your own bed? Yes. But please do not sacrifice your relationship with your child to establish that boundary. Love, patience and repetition…keep it up and your child will sleep in their own bed.
Photo Source (top right): Thinkstock/Pixland
It’s tough too when the two other older children want that special alone time with mom before bedtime but we’d have to start bedtime in the afternoon to get everyone in. Atleast it feels that way sometimes.
Such a good reminder that this will pass. We want through high drama with our two year old screaming at the top of her lungs every night when we put her down. It was so upsetting to listen to and such a hard way to end the day. We just started to adjust our bedtime and was sure to give her some extra hugs and songs before bed and what seemed like forever one day it was over. She was back to going to bed peacefully.
Our bedtime routine is fine but the hardest part for us has been what about those middle of the night wakings/tantrums for our 4 year old. So hard to solve the problem when they are screaming at midnight and everyone is exhausted.
Can’t agree more about the attention to the drama. It is so easy to get caught up and yell or scream when they get out of bed. We’re tired, they’re tired. Its an ugly mess! We started putting our youngest back to bed without talking or really looking at her. She wasn’t getting what she wanted and it slowly decreased the nighttime antics.
Love, patience, repetition. I think that needs to be my new Mantra. Thank you.
This is totally us right now with our 2.5 yr middle child. Thanks for the guidance.
Great article! Thanks so much for always putting things in perspective and giving us concrete tools!!
Yes, this really hit home. Bedtime is such a struggle! Thanks as always for the tips!
We never struggled with bedtime until…child #3 has decided coming in our room at 3am is a good idea. Trying to hold firm is hard at 3am 🙂
I always try to solve the problem in the MIDDLE of the problem. Oops! Solving the problem at a different time makes sense, plus it is less heated, I’m less tired and my kiddos are less frustrated.
These are really good reminders, especially since I am so tired when these tantrums happen in the middle of the night and the easiest fix is to have her crawl in my bed. I will continue to take deep breaths at 3 am!
All of the reminders that I need for just about every situation… extra love, positive attention for positive behavior, not losing it (that gripping the arm part just a bit too hard part really hits home). Practice, practice, practice!
seriously. all these things work! but. sometimes it’s hard to get them all in. practice.
I have totally found myself being a growly Mom Monster at bedtime if the kids keep getting out of bed. Never feels good to any of us. It tends to be worse the less time I have had with them during the day – my fuse is short after a long day of work. These are all such great tips.
Thank you for all the helpful parenting tips and advice you give us parents! You rock!
Our 3 and 4 year olds are beginning to wake up more than our newborn! It’s a good point about giving them attention they need during the daylight hours. We are doing our best, but clearly the infant is taking a good portion of our time and that could certainly be the reason for the middle of the night wake ups.
We are past the screaming toddler stage, but our big kids still appear in our room from time to time. It’s annoying, and they know it. Your posting is a lovely reminder to look beyond the actual behavior to find out why they are seeking us out. Are they feeling insecure about something at school and need my reassurance, or have I been too focussed on work and they need to feel more connected to me? This was such a helpful reminder. Thank you!
It’s so easy for me to have a short fuse at bedtime – great tips!
We are right in the middle of this with my 4 year old – she’s always been pretty good about going to bed, but lately, it’s been like whack-a-mole. And then there’s the “just one more hug,” “i just need to tell you one more thing,” and “can you rub my back for 2 minutes please.” She’s literally made it all the way down stairs and will be standing next to me before I realize she’s out of bed! She’s a ninja! in all seriousness though, these are great reminders, and I am definitely going to be putting them in practice! Thank you!
Thanks yet again Meghan for your common sense and wisdom. I am curious about the bedtime chart idea and assume that it is meant as a vehicle for positive recognition rather than as a reward. While bedtime seems to be under control at our house for the moment, I wonder if a “dirty clothes pick-up chart” might have some value in our home.
We have gotten into a really good bedtime routine and that helps a lot! Right now we are working on using giving special attention to good behaviors and not so much to negative behaviors to try and discourage these behaviors.
Meghan, I enjoy reading your articles…especially this one. We are dealing with this right now with our 8 year old! She was always an easy child who went to bed easily, but lately it has been a struggle, both at bedtime and waking up in the middle of the night. Some girls at school have started to tell some scary story’s and it has her scared at night so she doesn’t want to go to sleep alone, wants the light on to fall asleep, or wakes up and comes into our room! It has been very difficult lately!
Great advice, as always!
Love, patience, and repitition, along with a lot of deep breaths and pauses. Thank you so much for your post.