Ummm.
I say this with love: stop policing other people’s etiquette and just enjoy buying people you love gifts.
Should children send thank you’s? Yes. But that is not why we send gifts.
Hi, my son completed his first year of Pre-K 3 at a Montessori school that he attended for a 1/2 day and was in child care for the other part of the day. He had a difficult adjustment for the first couple weeks and then he leveled out. By year’s end, he was engaged, has a BFF at school and the teacher thinks he’s on track. He will have the same teacher this year for Pre-K 4 and will be there ALL DAY for this school yr. Right now, his child care has him doing 2-4 pages of pre-K workbook work which he can do, knows how to do, but just doesn’t want to do. I’m concerned that this next milestone of all day school will be met with resistance despite the fact that he loves his teacher and friends from school (same class as last yr). How do you get a child this age to comply with doing “school work”? I’ve told him that we all have work time and play time. I don’t want to push him and have him turned off from school.
A child this age should not have “school work.”
The only job he has is to play, feel safe, eat, sleep, and grow. All under the umbrella of caring and watchful adults.
No workbooks needed.
Period.
As long as he loves his teacher and enjoys his time there, then all is well.
Any “learning” in a formal way will come soon enough. He is strengthening his brain and body muscles to ready himself for those years…don’t take away any play at this point.
My grandmother is 94 and in failing health. I will be traveling soon and plan to visit her at her nursing facility, for what will likely be my last time. I am contemplating whether I should bring my four and a half year old son with me. My grandmother doesn’t have one specific thing wrong with her, she’s just declining. From what I understand she’s lost a lot of weight, but she’s not hooked up to any machines or anything. Mentally, she does get confused at times, but is aware of who people are and is not combative. My son has spent enough time with my grandmother that he’s aware of who great-grandma is, asks me questions about how she’s doing, etc. He has also started asking me a lot of questions about death and life, and I’ve answered as honestly as possible while being developmentally appropriate. My thought is that seeing great-grandma might bring him some closure. It might provide some perspective on the circle of life, etc. I believe my grandmother would love to see my son, as she has visited with her other great-grandchildren recently. I wouldn’t be bringing him the whole time, just once during the overall trip. Would this be detrimental to him at all?
I have written a bunch about kids and death (Amy might dig something up), but I’m generally a big cheerleader for living an honest, non-complicated life when it comes to death.
A declining 94 year old is, in fact, the best we can hope for in life. A long life (hopefully) well-lived, coming to its natural end. It is the way we hope it to be.
So, having a child witness this is also a kindess. The child can learn that yes, seeing someone can be a bit scary and sad, but there is also much to be celebrated. And you demonstrating a calm demeanor is also instrumental in helping your child learn that we can feel sad AND be happy to see someone. Even at the end.
Essentially, stop overthinking it.
If you want to bring your child, do it.
Prepare him (a little), and have a nice chat afterward.
This is life, right? Don’t hide from the hard AND the good.
Hi Meghan! My almost 1-year-old daughter seems to bang her head on purpose a lot. Sitting in her high chair or car seat, she’ll fling her head backward repeatedly into the back of the seat. This sometimes appears to be connected to frustration, but sometimes not. When she is angry, such as when I take something away from her that she shouldn’t be playing with, she’ll throw herself down and bang her forehead on the wood floor. The other day, she even crawled from the carpet to the wood floor just so she could bang her head and then looked up at me for a reaction. I guess that’s what she wants, right? A reaction? But sometimes she hits it so hard that she cries. Not a whimper for dramatic effect, but a real cry. How can I not react to that?
Gotta begin with the needed “Always check with your pediatrician to make sure everything is okay.”
And, as far as I know, this is pretty normal. A 1 year old doesn’t have a lot of ways to show her displeasure, and some children this age are just at the beginning to understand how her body works. Even though hitting a head seems irrational to us, she is gets something sensory from that. An act, a consequence, etc.
So, try to prevent, distract, distract, distract, but don’t spend time on saying NO or STOP and all that. For her young brain, this will just keep her going (whatever you pay attention to, grows).
She should grow out of it, but keep an eye out for other sensory stuff (again, see the doc).
I read the LW differently — not that she was policing others, just wondering if sending her niece a thank-you note had been appropriate. FWI, the answer is yes! My son used to make homemade gifts for the important adults in his life, and it was sad to see how few of them ever acknowledged it – in person or by sending a note. Not only does that create the double standard LW mentions, but it also undermines a child learning to take joy in the giving as well as receiving. I think it’s great that LW recognized niece’s gesture as a gift and thanked her accordingly!
So, I am a big fan of not explaining things to people.
They can pushback all they want, you are technically not beholden to defend your choices.
If they live and parent from a place of fear (which many do), that is their choice.
And if you live and parent from a place of prudence, honesty, and sense….well that’s your choice.
You can assure them that if it gets too heavy, you will leave. And you can even fib and say your asked your pediatrician and he advised you this is fine (that is my favorite fib).
I also like to remind people that A GOOD BIT OF THE WORLD has dying elders IN THEIR HOMES. That THIS IS THE WAY PEOPLE USED TO DIE BEFORE WE GOT SO WEIRD ABOUT IT.
So, anyway, you are clearly on your parenting path. Be brave.
I cannot believe this crap still goes on. No wonder teens are so stressed (I have two of them) — it starts at age 4. If your son wants to do it, great. If not, don’t stress. Just make sure there are scissors and crayons available for scribbling and cutting. Both will go a long way towards developing the muscles for writing later on, or so our kids’ PreK teachers told us.
I would just be sure to emphasize to the four and 1/2 year old that his parents won’t be 94 for a VERY VERY long time. He’s still too young to have much idea of how long 94 years old is.
First, I was shocked to read that children are now attending multiple years of pre-K and that it involves something called “homework.” I absolutely, 200% agree with you that homework for children who are four and five is just nuts. But how does a parent hold the line when the rest of the children are working on “homework” and the school pressures you to go along with the program? Are there any “let’s just play” pre-K programs still around?
I have given this spiel to MANY teachers and they have all gotten it.
I hate to say it can be as easy as establishing a great relationship with the teacher, but sometimes it is that easy.
That being said, there are some schools that are so academically driven that it will not matter WHAT you say. So, stay clear-eyed, honest, and kind. You will work it out.
“For what it’s worth, she’s a very happy baby!” DONE. I’ll let Meghan answer this, but it sounds like you’re doing just fine, mama. Also, any study that comes across my desk can tell you as long as you are engaged with your child, talking to her essentially, you’re doing just what you should be.
Meghan? Take it away.
In fact (get ready for this), I might gently nudge to do a bit less. Don’t get on a path to burnout. You REALLY do not need to be in her face, interacting with her 24/7. Seriously. She is at the age where some quiet time is much-needed. Your loving presence in the room, singing, chatting, reading a book, is enough. It makes her feel relaxed and secure AND safe to venture forth with her new mind and growing body.
So, chill a little. Grab a tea and something short to read (or the WAshington Post!). Just enjoy the presence.
Be natural in your interactions. You loved the story you niece sent and that she was thoughtful to you – tell her.Actually tell her – call her up / skype / see her. Create a natural bond with spontaneous, informal interactions.
Hi Meghan, I m a mom to 3 and love your advice. I have a question about my 4-year-old niece, whose behavior as described to me by my sister seems very worrying to me. My sister has taken her to therapy but been told there’s nothing much to do until she’s old enough to be properly assessed and possibly medicated. So, in the meantime, I’m just hearing these stories about her and I wanted to get your take. My niece has always been very rambunctious and active, starting to walk and climb at 10 months. She always struggled to follow instructions but as she got older, she now sometimes goes out of her way to do the opposite of whatever my sister tells her to do. She lies regularly even when there’s no clear reason for lying. She hits her younger sister without any provocation and will take toys away from preschool-mates just to make them cry. Recently she’s also threatened violence when her mom tells her “no” (quote “I will cut off your hands”). She has up to 2 hour meltdowns with hitting and screaming that only end when they strap her into her car seat in the car and wait it out with her. Her parents are loving and never hit her. She is capable of behaving well and when I’ve been with her (we visit about 1 week each year), she’ll attach herself to me and do everything to please me. So, I haven’t really seen the worst but I’m worried for both my sister (who is reaching breaking point at times) and my niece (who is clearly struggling too). Is there anything to do now?
Oh dear.
How upsetting for the whole family.
These parents need support, STAT. I get “no diagnosis and no meds” now thing…that is responsible given her age.
BUT, there are PLENTY of child psychs who can help with this extreme behavior.
Help your family find someone, now.
My daughter is about to turn 3. I’ve been breastfeeding since she was born. Now, I am only breastfeeding at night. I want to stop. But she’s so willful, she’ll cry and hit me. I know that part of it is also because it’s at night and she’s tired, but I don’t know how to make a smooth transition. And what to replace it with since I don’t think she can sleep without. Suggestions?
Yeah…she is definitely old enough to register her disappointment in many different ways.
I want to tell you that this will be easy, but it won’t. She is going to cry and chase you.
If you have a partner, you may have to send that person into this battle for a bit.
It is really something to “get through” to the other side with kindness, empathy and boundaries.
There is no real replacement…so…stay strong and loving and give her lots of hugs and smiles after you both get through the night.
And mom? TAKE LOTS OF BREAKS FROM HER!
Don’t fight it.
Tantrums are going to happen.
A lot.
They are normal and part of the adaptive and maturation process. We don’t want to sidestep them! Seriously.
Stay boundaried, patient, loving, and they will pass. They will pass. You are doing everything right. Keep laughing, stay positive, and let her know that everything is okay. Even with the tantrums.
You will both make it!
My 6 year old son is a nice, intelligent, thoughtful boy. He is small for his age, but so are many of his friends. When we try new activities, if he doesn’t excel immediately, he gets discouraged and gives up. How do I teach him to essentially have a work ethic?
Huh.
You don’t teach work ethic to kids.
Not like you think.
What he needs to do is process the feelings of fear and perfectionism.
Go ahead and normalize that it feels pretty crappy to not do well. Because, well, it DOES. And normalize that it is hard to watch others do well when you feel worried. Because that is true, too. And then just leave it there.
Resist the urge to push, cheerlead, and fix. Just support him feeling bad.
As he gets more comfortable with these feelings, he will find his courage.
There is always the dance of push/pull. Back off/go in.
Just let the emotions FLOW.