Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach with Positively Parenting will join On Parenting editor Amy Joyce to talk about parenting children of all ages.

Amy Joyce

Hi everyone. We had a little break and are back and ready for your many questions. A lot has been on On Parenting in the last couple of weeks. Today, Meghan’s column about a kid who doesn’t want to talk when she gets home. I love this piece about an introverted mom and how that impacts her parenting. For the parents of older kids, this interesting phrase to refer to kids about to move out who are testing limits and your patience.

Want more? Check out washingtonpost.com/onparenting or our Facebook page.

Now then. Let’s discuss, shall we?

Hi Amy and Meghan! I have an almost two-year-old and a newborn, and I’m struggling with my toddler’s impishness. She will do things she knows not to do – the big one is throwing food and her sippy cups on the floor during mealtime – even when I catch her just before and tell her to stop. And then she’ll look back at me and grin, so it’s obvious she’s just testing boundaries as opposed to actually not knowing that she shouldn’t throw things. I have a hard enough time not laughing; she’s adorable even when she’s misbehaving. But what can I do to discourage that behavior? I don’t really think she’s old enough to get what punishment is (for example, taking away the food or cup), but maybe I should do that? I don’t want to make her afraid to test boundaries; I just want her to stop throwing her food!

A: Meghan Leahy

Firstly, congrats on recognizing that these behaviors as developmentally normal. This will take you far in your parenting life.

So, are you actively encouraging this boundary-pushing? No, not really. Are you discouraging it? Not really. Your two year old can see that you are smiling and not bothered, and I am not going to guide you toward becoming angry and punitive.

So, just react appropriately to her behavior. Tough advice, huh?

If you need to say no, say it and move her along. It doesn’t need to be a big production, just have a serious, calm face. You could, in all probability, say no almost constantly…so create boundaries and routines that say the no’s for you. Keep moving the child forward without much ado.

Resist resist resist resist resist punishment. If anything, keep your smiling and easy-going way about you. You will need it. When things get tough, get back to boundaries and routines.

— JUL 06, 2016 11:21 EDT

My boys (ages 4 and 8) are using lots of mean words when talking. Certainly they call each other names, but then they also use the words directed towards me, their father, and others outside the family. What’s the appropriate response from me? Ignore? Correct? Time out? Duct tape their mouths? 🙂 Thanks!

A: Meghan Leahy

Errr, no duct tape (I know you were kidding on that one).

So. do not time out…but there needs to be some boundary and stat. Under no circumstances (unless your children have a brain disorder or other special needs I don’t know about) is there a case where the children can call people outside of the family names. I would immediately remove the children from the scenario, firmly speak to them, apologize if needed, and move on from there.

Within your home and your family, I would be interested in seeing how discouraged the children are. There is NORMAL boundary-pushing with all children when it comes to taboo issues like this, but I would be more interested in understanding why there is so much of it.

Are they only getting attention when they use bad language? Is there something happening in the family that is traumatic?  Hard to manage? Are the parents speaking respectfully to the children and each other? Are you responding too softly to the language..meaning, do the children feel in charge of the dynamic?

Do NOT begin to time out them or formally punish them, but definitely STOP the language and get curious about what is happening.

— JUL 06, 2016 11:33 EDT

My son has been hitting us for years now. It has gotten a TON better, and it really only happens occasionally now, and mostly with his Dad. But this has gone on long enough, that I would really like to just nip this. I feel like we’ve tried everything: time outs, time-ins, getting low and calmly telling him that “we don’t hit”, talking about what else we can do besides hit, etc. Please help us stop this behavior for good!

A: Meghan Leahy

Hitting is a sign of frustration.

Go to the roots…what is frustrating him?

And can you change that and/or help him adapt to what frustrates him?

The hitting is a symptom (and it is a GOOD sign it has slowed down, maturity is around the corner), so keep loving him through this. Occasional hitting for 6 year old’s is NORMAL. Resist nipping it in the bud, you will create more problems.

I am struggling dealing with my three teens’ financial envy of their friends and classmates. We live in suburb of Washington, DC. Our neighborhood is older, with modest size homes. We are, however, literally surrounded by mansions and estates. Every June we see luxury cars in driveways topped with ribbons for the high school grads. My son got a ride home from a classmate who got a new BMW convertible for his 16th birthday! I keep reminding my kids that they have everything they need – and we do take 1-2 vacations a year, they play travel sports, and go to camps in summer so they are not lacking. We talk frequently about gratitude, financial choices, living within our means, etc. But still, they say they are embarrassed and don’t like inviting their “rich” friends over to our small home. I confess, when I pick them up from a friend’s house, I often find myself a little green as I drive up the circular driveway with the fountain in the middle. And I know better. How do I help them recognize what’s truly important when we are surrounded by such affluence?

A: Meghan Leahy

This is tough because the rewards of your vigilance will not be realized for years.

Let me suggest two things:

1) some family volunteerism. Find something hands on and go out into DC or the mountains or anywhere and give of yourselves. Don’t lecture about it or make a big deal of it…just do it. Allow the experiences to speak for themselves. Keep at it. This is not to force guilt, this is to cultivate gratitude in its many forms.

2) Go ahead and welcome envy. Normalize it for your children. Normalize for yourself. Let them express it. It will not be long before they learn that these surface items, while enjoyable, do not lead to true happiness…so don’t sweat it. And you know what? Shiny pretty things ARE nice! Humans are attracted to them and always have been. So, don’t worry about the envy.

Keep going!

— JUL 06, 2016 11:43 EDT

I know we are very lucky to have this question, but I would love your opinion. We are trying to decide what is best for our 19 month old in weighing social interaction and family time. He is currently watched by his 2 grandmas while my husband and I work full time. Grandma A watches him 3 days a week for free, and Grandma B watches him 2 days a week and we pay her what it would cost to put him in center-based daycare. He is getting to the age where I think he would enjoy playing with other kids at daycare, and our friends tell us how much their kids love daycare, but we also appreciate the bond that he is building with the grandmas. We’re considering 3 options: 1) Continue with grandmas 2) 3 days a week with Grandma A, 2 days a week daycare 3) 2 days a week with Grandma A, 2 days a week daycare, 1 day a week with Grandma B Grandma B would be sad if we used option 2, but she could make more money than we pay her with another job on those days. Others have warned us that option 3 with 3 separate arrangements could be too stressful for him. What do you think? Is there an age when you think it makes sense to start daycare?

A: Meghan Leahy

You are right, you are lucky!

I am giving your my advice straight-up. Ready?

First, if the child is safe and happy and getting exercised appropriately with grandparents, keep him there. He does need not need to be socialized at this age. And THREE different places IS too much, if it can be avoided.

Secondly, pay the second grandmother a little more, if you can.

Thirdly, of course you will aware of others are doing, but don’t allow that to influence your decisions for your family.

Before you know it, he will go to school; and if the time with his family is good, it is quite literally the best thing you can do for him.

— JUL 06, 2016 11:51 EDT

My six-year-old son takes FOREVER to eat most meals of the day. He will sit at the table for over an hour, mostly not eating. I don’t force him to sit there, but he claims he can’t decide whether he’s hungry or not. So there he sits. He also likes to hold us hostage and tries to force us to sit at the table with him. I mostly refuse because I have other things to do, but sometimes I will. At school and camp, he ends up not eating much because “he’s not given enough time”. How can I help him through this without forcing him to eat and/or destroying his relationship with food and eating?

A: Meghan Leahy

Huh.

Okay, is he of normal weight? Does he have any medical issues? Has he always been a troublesome eater? I would get a thorough physical done just to rule out anything.

And no matter what, stop this hour long sitting business. Immediately. Sit as a family, have fun, laugh, DO NOT TALK ABOUT FOOD, and then end the meal. DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIS HUNGER. Just move it along.

Work as hard as you can to make this a NON-ISSUE. It is clear this sex year old gets a TON of attention for not eating, so let’s put a stop to that, STAT.

See what happens…

Hi Megan My husband left my 3 and 6 year old in the hotel arcade game area while he took the elevator upstairs to the room. He does not think there is anything wrong with leaving a 3 and 6 year old unattended in a public place. I disagree.

A: Meghan Leahy

Uh yes, I agree with you. 100%.

— JUL 06, 2016 11:59 EDT

Q: Sleep

My now 3 year old has never been a “good” sleeper since birth. As a baby, he’d wake every 2-3 hours. I tried the “cry it out” method, except this baby cried for an hour until he’d vomit, at which point I’d get him. He is now 3 and fights naps and gets anxious at bedtime, despite being exhausted from a long day. He still wakes in the night to leave his bed and come into mine. I am SO tired! How can we calm this anxious, over-active nervous system so the whole family can get much needed rest?

A: Meghan Leahy

I hate to even suggest this but this sounds rough…just bring him into bed with you.

(Let the hate mail begin!)

As he becomes more relaxed, see if you can ease him into a bed again.

Stop pushing any strategy that keeps him anxious…you are only going to get more and worse behavior.

— JUL 06, 2016 12:02 EDT

Hi, I saw a few weeks ago in your chat that you had a mom recently diagnosed with breast cancer and wondering what to tell her three year old. This was me a year ago. I just thought I might contribute my perspective. It’s hard to find support for this age, because most of the support groups for kids with parents who have cancer start at older ages. Being a mom with cancer is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. 1. Do not hesitate to answer all their questions. Don’t over explain. For example, don’t bring up death unless they bring it up, or unless it becomes a distinct possibility (I pray this is not the case for you). 2. Be prepared for some push back. My child was fine upon learning that I had cancer. She had no real frame of reference for it. But once I started treatment and she saw me change and she saw me ill, she wasn’t happy. She rejected me for it. This hurt my feelings, but I didn’t take it personally. I know she was just expressing herself the best way she could for her developmental stage. But there were a lot of times when she didn’t want me around. 3. There are some books that were helpful and age appropriate. Nowhere Hair was a fun read, and Mom Has Cancer was also helpful. 4. The most important thing for kids her age to know is that they are going to be taken care of. We tried to keep her life as normal as possible. We enlisted play dates with her friends so that I could rest on weekends, and had family members come over to play. The only real upside of this, is that she’s developed closer relationships with her aunts, uncles and cousins than she would have otherwise. 5. It’s also important for kids her age to know that they didn’t cause the cancer. It’s also important for them to know that they can’t catch the cancer. Good luck, sister.

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