Amy Joyce

Hi everyone. Thanks for joining us this morning. We have a lot to discuss here and I’m looking forward to learning a few things from Meghan. As usual. Her newest column is now up. This one is aboutissues with a stepchild.

For your reading pleasure: We’ve had a bunch of interesting parenting pieces lately, including one about the importance of going barefoot, down with bad baby clothing design, trying to teach kids not to bicker when the presidential candidates are no better, and this morning we had a piece about a teenager and inclusion. And I loved this helpful piece by a middle school counselor: 10 skills middle school students need and how parents can help.

Okay, lots of questions await. Don’t forget that if your question isn’t answered here, Meghan may use it for a future column, so stay tuned.

My three year old is still using the pacifier, which she affectionately refers to as “Passie” (he now has his own persona). We have relegated her use to bedtime and naptime only but she has started chewing on her fingers and recently on the collar of her shirt from time to time. I am concerned she’s anxious and I’m worried that if I just take “Passie” away cold turkey, she’s going to have difficulty self soothing. Are there any ways we can help her transition?

A: Meghan Leahy

Hmmmmm….

Oral soothing is VERY normal for this age, think of the sucking mechanism for babies as the first way to self-soothe (and when we are adults, it turns into eating and smoking).

I would give it some time and just watch.

“From time to time” is not making my alarm bells go off…

You can also look into chew toys for kids (yes, they make them on sensory websites) to see.

How is her language development? Motor skills?

 

— MAR 02, 2016 11:10 EST 

Three kids, two are boys. I’ll try to be brief as I know the answer is probably complex but – how do I get my boys to take their education more seriously? My 7th grader is very bright but is struggling in math. My 5th grader struggles, but tries very hard and does ‘ok’. Neither my wife nor I are pushy-helicopter parent types nor envision their ONLY college choices to be Harvard, Yale or Princeton. So while grades ARE important, we try to put things in perspective. This said, we demand they work hard and take school seriously because at some point, grades DO matter and the “whatever” attitude towards C’s in math (or any subject) is unacceptable. Both are great kids in every respect and aren’t doing horrible in school, both carry plenty of As and Bs. I just want them to realize that come High School, their grades for better or worse have consequences when college application time comes along. Thank you in advance if you take my question and sorry if you’ve covered this topic 1,000 times already.

A: Meghan Leahy

I hear you, loud and clear.

The brief and real answer to “how do I get my boys to take their education more seriously?” is: YOU CAN’T.

As parents, we cannot make our children take anything more seriously.

I wish we could, trust me.

But if I read your letter to me, I am seeing A’s and B’s for both kids? I guess I am not seeing the problem here.

They are bright, hard-working and “great kids in every respect.”

I would lay off a bit.

Don’t place too much emphasis on high school (this is how we start anxiety problems in high school), and instead celebrate what is going WELL in your family. Highlight to the boys what they have showed GROWTH in…

And yes, keep your expectation for strongest effort…but can we accept that that might be a C for some of your kids? And can we accept that that would not be the WORST THING IN THE WORLD? And can we accept that grades are arbitrary?

I am not saying that you should just totally lay-off and that they don’t need routine, structure and organization. They do.

It just feels like your connection to them is based on an outcome in school. Let the kids know that if they fail everything, you still love them. This actually makes them feel relaxed and relaxed people DO better!

And…does anyone need a tutor or some help?

 

 

 

— MAR 02, 2016 11:19 EST 

My son, 16, has lost or ruined an inordinate number of cell phones and retainers. He suffers from anxiety and depression; when his anxiety or sad feelings are acute, he seems to be particularly vulnerable to not taking care of/losing his things. We are at a loss with how to parent through this: we are so frustrated and don’t have the budget or propensity to replace these items ad infinitem. At the same time, we know he’s hurting, he needs these items to stay connected (phone) and to feel good about himself (straight and healthy teeth for life). Suggestions?

A: Meghan Leahy

Okay.

First of all, WELL DONE on recognizing that the energy it takes for him to get through his depression and anxiety TAKES AWAY from his organizational energy.

If any of us has ever been grieving something, we know the feeling walking into rooms and not knowing why we are there….holding a car key WHILE you are looking for your car key, etc. Your brain is so distracted with your pain, it cannot take care of everything else.

So, your son needs more help.

Therapy? Is he in it regularly? I STRONGLY suggest a good therapist to help him move these emotions along…and ultimately, it might be less money than replacing all these items. You also don’t mention if he is on meds, but the dosage may need to be checked and/or tweaked.

And if your family is really getting whacked with these costs, he may need less expensive phone for a while? Or how else can you step in to help him manage it? Does he HAVE to take it everywhere? Can you keep it home some of the times? Same for the retainer. At some point, even if it painful, you may need to put a stop to these items leaving the house.

But go for good therapy first. Baby steps.

Hi ladies. Thanks for taking my question. I have three kids – ages 10, 8 and 5. My 8 year old is not, and never has been, a morning person. It is almost impossible to get her to wake up and get out of bed/dressed/ready for school. She has a regular bedtime and established routines, and is a cheery wonderful child when she fully wakes up and is moving – but getting out of bed is painful for her, and by extension for us all. I’ve tried everything I can think of – giving her juice for a quick sugar rush, rewards, gentle coaxing, music, even waking her up earlier to give her more time to adjust… – but nothing seems to penetrate that very thick fog she’s in every morning. What can I do to make mornings less miserable?

A: Meghan Leahy

Ugggg, as a self-avowed morning hater, I get your daughter.

I really do. And I am married to someone who just HOPS out of bed smiling. It is the worst.

Couple of thoughts:

1) Make sure she is getting to bed early enough.

2) Get natural light in there first thing in the AM.

3) Keep waking her up earlier than she needs to (to avoid the rushing)

4) Keep giving her food (it really could be a blood sugar thing).

5) And set up a special “cuddle time” with her. Tell her you are going to read with her/snuggle her/etc. Try to move her down to the couch to do it. MANY children need a strong dose of connection to help them ease into the day. (As adults, we could use it, too) See if this cannot help her a bit.

6) Set up something easy and fun in the AM. Can you do some yoga stretching? Kick a soccer ball? Get to school early and play? Paint? Do some lego’s? Dance? I am trying to think outside the box….

Good luck.

— MAR 02, 2016 11:34 EST 

I just found out I’m pregnant last week, and my husband and I are excited, and of course a bit nervous about becoming first-time parents. Can you recommend a book or two to help us through the next nine months and to help my husband, especially, understand what’s happening with my pregnancy? I think it’s hard for him right now since I feel really awful but it still seems very abstract right now.

A: Meghan Leahy

I always loved the books and websites which showed how the baby was growing week to week. This one is good.

But here’s the thing. In the early weeks, there isn’t much for him to relate to.

You look the same.

You are acting the same (maybe).

You are sick and/or more tired.

But really….there isn’t much for him to do but support you. And while it is feeling REALLY REAL to you, it IS abstract for him, so say that. Say, “it must be weird for you…”

If he is a good guy and he loves you, this will all progress as it should.

My husband said that when he SAW the baby’s heartbeat, that helped. And then he KNEW it was a girl, that helped.

But when she was born? Well, that is the big one. That’s REAL.

So, just relax and enjoy the pregnancy and find some other pregger moms to relate to and take it easy on the hubs. He will get there.

Oh and be direct. If you are ill, say, “I need help with ______ because I feel awful. Thanks.”

Don’t expect him to mindread. Just ask.

 

GOOD LUCK.

— MAR 02, 2016 11:49 EST 

Hi, Meghan and Amy! We live in an area where the majority of people have different political views than my husband and I. Our eight and six year old children have started interjecting things they’ve heard from us when politics is discussed at school. We’re comfortable discussing politics with them and why we believe what we believe, but because my husband has a position that is very, very public, we tend to keep our views private. How do we discuss politics and teach that we shouldn’t be ashamed of our views but at the same time that it’s not something we really would like them to discuss with their classmates?

A: Meghan Leahy

Ugggg.

Weeeellll….

This is a toughie, isn’t it?

There is an automatic shame associated to secrets, right?

Secrets serve to divide us from someone else…and kids don’t like that.

Hmmm…

I grew up in house in a pretty liberal and feminist house, but that didn’t jive with the religious teachings we always learned in school and church.

And I knew to keep my mouth shut (a lot), but it also DID become a problem for me. I began to see things that went against my beliefs, and I said them. Aloud. And often.

I got in trouble. I am sure people had thoughts about my parents, but it led me in a GOOD direction (eventually). And it did teach him that everything has a time and a place. (and sometimes I just wanted to be shocking when I was younger).

So, keep showing your children BOTH sides of an issue. Don’t look at it as ONE SIDE, look at it as every human has the right to a belief and this is what mom and dad believe. And sometimes you will be called to stand up for it, and sometimes you will be able to just know it. It is called “being judicious.”

This is mature stuff, but kids can get it as they mature.

And if they discuss things with their classmates, so be it. There ARE two sides to everything, and it is a shame if you live somewhere where the people are THAT immature as to not see that.

Just stick to TWO SIDES.

Make sense?

— MAR 02, 2016 11:58 EST 

My husband knows my anxiety and depression is acting up when I leave my keys in the front door, forget to pay the gas bill(I pay all the bills and it’s never been more than a day late!) and have trouble planning the week for our 4 year old daughter. Depression takes SO much away from your clear mind, I definitely suggest giving him more help and tools. He must feel awful about the phones and retainers, and I know you are great parents, and not trying to “punish” him. I just want to empathize with your son and hope he finds a way to help work on it. Maybe being somewhat responsible for the bill(helping neighbors or mowing lawns?) would give him a sense of empowerment and investment? good luck to all of you.

A: Meghan Leahy

LOVE THIS.

Love the empathy and ideas! THANK YOU.

I had the same problem with my son. I later learned that his biological clock has 25 hours in a day, thus making it difficult to get up. I worked on it for years, keeping his schedule the same for the weekends and holidays as it was for school days. the object: resetting his clock. Before I started doing this, it was much more difficult getting up on Mondays. I also talk to him before he needs to way up, like: wake up <name>, it’s time to wake up,” etc. in a Mommy tone and then leaving him alone. It seems to give his sleep level time to come up so he either wakes up or responds better when I go back to him. After decades of doing this, usually I just need to call him and he wakes himself up “on time.”

A: Meghan Leahy

Thank you, what a thoughtful response! Great ideas here.

— MAR 02, 2016 11:59 EST 
Amy Joyce

To the Post Points lurkers: your code today is OP2339

My son is 11 and is kind, funny, and sweet. Except when he’s not. He’s cranky with me (mom) a lot and can say mean things when he’s tired or stressed. So can we all, I get that, but starting the day hearing his grouchy crap day after day gets old. Basically I am just looking for advice for what to call him on and what to just see as the 11-year old version of a toddler’s outburst. Thanks!

A: Meghan Leahy

Ah, this is not much different than handling a grouchy toddler.

1) Get his blood sugar leveled, FAST.

2 Connect to him. Get his eyes, a little smile, a little nod. Anything.

3) Don’t stand around for the grumpiness. DO NOT SAY, “I WILL NOT BE NEAR YOU WHEN YOU ARE LIKE THIS.” No. Instead, take the trash out and just stay out there for a bit. Go to bathroom and STAY THERE. Essentially, don’t start to fight with him. Don’t stand and take the abuse, but don’t punish him either.

4) In a quiet, good moment, go for a coffee or pizza and say, “Whoa, mornings have been CRANKY…let’s find a better way….” Make a little plan. Keep working on it. And ALWAYS, ALWAYS say, “I get it, your in a tough place age-wise. It’s hard. I love you. I am always here for you, cranky or not.” Boys DESPERATELY need to hear this.

— MAR 02, 2016 12:04 EST 

I hear that parent – totally get it with a middle schooler and high schooler. The real problem is that my understanding is that colleges discount the intelligence and work ethic of any student with a C. We’ve been told this in school-sponsored presentations about college. I agree that this is utter and complete BS, but the real problem is that colleges have raised the stakes so high that they are creating the stressful atmosphere. That a C us a death knell for an application, just for a state school!!! I just hope this upcoming smaller generation of kids slaps some sense into them so they have to accept that maybe there are brilliant kids out there just not good at math. Or English. Or whatever. Rant over.

A: Meghan Leahy

I HEAR YOU.

On one hand we are told that we are making our kids crazy. On the other hand, we are told that we are screwing our kids over if they get C’s.

Stick to your guns. BE BRAVE. The colleges are kind of telling fibs. (they are)

Don’t buy into the fear-mongering.

Our kids depend on it.

— MAR 02, 2016 12:06 EST

I read last week’s question from the Mom of the 6yo girl who lies, your answer, and it all hit me so hard I started crying right then and there at work. 48 years ago *I* was that child, and Meghan, you hit *EVERY* nail on the head. Lies about everything? Check? AD(H)D? Check Check. Sensitive? Check Check Check. I’d never seen so much of what impacted my childhood put out there all in one place, all wrapped up together. But it made a lot of sense…so if it can help, I wanted to lend some (my) own personal perspective to the Mom. Meghan’s right when she says the reason for the lies is she doesn’t want you to be mad at her. She wants to please you. Unfortunately, because she is a child, she doesn’t realize that her lying is making things worse. So please please remember as Meghan said that your child is a *child*. She’s not trying to be bad. She isn’t a bad girl. She doesn’t know what else to do. She’s scared, and doesn’t even know what she’s afraid of. (An aside- by chance is your daughter a preemie? There’s a lot of interesting stuff out there about the psychological needs of preemies and how they are related to the physical aspect of being a preemie…)

You don’t say how many other children you have and what order she is in the family, but, try to just spend time with her, away from home–sometimes you and her, sometimes your husband and her. Alone. Don’t overwhelm her with making it a big deal, just do something together that she would like to do (like, go to the zoo…a store…a library and read to her!…) Either give her choices, or let her tell you what she’d like. Giving her time, without the other kids, will really help in the long run (As someone who was in the middle of 6 kids, I can tell you the time alone with a parent makes a big difference.)

Above all, be gentle, patient, and caring…which is so tough because as Meghan says our instincts as parents, when in the actual situation, are to not do this. Instead of getting upset at her, do what Meghan said–don’t put her in that position–and instead, seriously, just hug her. You don’t even need to talk. Just hold her. She needs a totally different approach, and it will seem counterintuitive to you, but eventually it will pay off. That defensiveness she has is hard to get past, but you can-it will just take time (and caring, and patience, and kindness…..).

Also, find out what your daughter does well and build on that. Is she creative? Does she like music? Let her cook with you…do chores with your husband (really–she may enjoy planting out in the yard, helping with yard work, or more!). Build her confidence and help her to see that she is, and can be, competent in many things.

Best to you and your daughter. Hang in there…this is not something that will change quickly, but over much time, it will, in small ways that will one day be big for her.

A: Amy Joyce

Thanks so much for this.

— MAR 02, 2016 12:08 EST 
A: Meghan Leahy

Well, now I am crying.

I hope my column brought you some healing.

Thanks for this…it is so important, and thank you for your perspective.

— MAR 02, 2016 12:08 EST 
Amy Joyce

Lots of good and tough questions today that haven’t been answered, but our time is up. Meghan will do what she can to use them for future columns. Also, we’ll be back here same time, same place March 16.

In the meantime, check out On Parenting at the Post and on Facebook, and make sure to follow Meghan on her amazing Facebook page and at her web site.

Take care, everyone.

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