Trying to navigate the whole “charitable giving” through school thing, now that the kids (1st graders) have come home with pledge stuff. As a threshold matter, let me say that we do charitable giving as a routine matter in our home—each week the kids are given an allowance of ‘spend’, ‘save’, and ‘give’ dollars, and at certain points of the year we donate the ‘give’ money to charities of their choosing (with our approval, of course). My kids also select a charity to sponsor for their birthday, so that friends and family can donate if they wish instead of giving a gift. That said, here are my issues with school-initiated charity stuff, and I’m curious what others think: 1. Although the selected charity gets a good rating on their use of donations, I’m frustrated that the kids seem so driven by the little trinkets they ‘earn’ for each level of donation. For my kids, I think this is partly natural materialism (as the trinkets are much more real to them than the theoretical nature of charitable giving). But it’s also more pronounced because the particular charity is not our family priority: We do a lot of charitable giving with the kids, and when it’s an issue of personal importance to them or us—for example, kidney disease, or endangered species protection, they are much more focused on the mission and not on an incidental key chain or stuffed animal that may come with the donation. 2. I’m not sure why the school gets to choose the charitable mission for the all the kids, rather than teaching about charitable giving generally and allowing kids to choose their own method of donating or not to the cause of their choice. I get that the selected charity is an important and obvious choice, but I’m not sure that’s where my kids (or the friends and family they will hit up for donations) would choose to put their giving dollars. (I’m not disagreeing that the selected charity is awesome and the work is hugely important.) 3. I’m uncomfortable with the idea that all the kids are encouraged to participate and that there is a premium on the amount raised. It saddens me to think that economically disadvantaged kids won’t ‘earn’ the same fancy trinket as my kids, simply because their resource pool of donors is less able to spare the money to help them reach the goal. And the kids know what each other raises—I’ve been hearing for a year (since the last round) how we gave too little and so-and-so maxed out. 4. Having the donation pledge form come home in the homework packet gives it a level of school-sponsored importance that annoys me, partly because it sets up a “Family vs School” debate on values. I now find myself having to defend why I don’t want to give $50 to each of my kids to jumpstart their fundraising for this charity (“the school says we have to raise lots of money for this!”), rather than having a sincere discussion about where to focus our charitable giving. I don’t mean to be a charity scrooge, and I am interested in whether this is a system that has real and significant benefits that I’m overlooking. If it does, I am happy to be educated—and either way, I will help my kids to raise as much money as they would like to.
But I’m curious as to whether others find it unsettling, and if so, what suggestions we can offer to improve the education about charitable giving (which is clearly an important lesson for the kids).
I think know exactly which charity you’re referring to. We had a discussion at the dinner table this week about why I wasn’t going to give $100 ($50 each kid) for the extra special plastic key chain.
Meghan? How do you handle?
YIKES.
Okay, I don’t know what you and Amy are facing, but listen. You are the parent. You are a giving family. Your children are growing up in a giving family. You have every right to focus on YOUR issues.
If your children WANT to give some of their money to something else, go right ahead and allow that.
If it is for trinkets, shut it down. Just hold the boundary. Simply say, “We don’t raise money or do things for prizes or cheap toys.”
Keep saying it.
And then let all of this go.
Easier said than done, but almost everything is.
My happy, smart, funny two and a half year old has started, on occasion, to kick and hit me and laugh. It’ll come out of nowhere: we’ll be playing with his toys and all will be well, and then we’ll take a diaper change break and he’ll kick me hard and laugh while I change him. I’ve asked him to stop, and I’ve told him to stop, and I’ll change him and put him down and ignore him since that’s what he hates most. Nothing works long term. Last week I was carrying him (at his request) to another room in the house and he started slapping me harder and harder and laughing. I put him down and told him to stop and he bit my leg! He made me see stars he hit me so hard, and then he made me cry when he bit me, and then when I cried, he cried, which just doesn’t seem fair, you know? What can I do? Sometimes it’s hard to be a mommy. 🙁
Oh friend. It IS hard, especially when you are literally getting beat up.
But you sound like you REALLY know this is not personal, so stay with this thinking. IT IS NOT PERSONAL.
Let’s go for the obvious first:
You gotta keep yourself safe. When you see him coming for you or he is getting extra silly and you feel like the hits are coming, you have to run a good defense. Hold him in a way where he is restrained (lovingly) and his teeth cannot find you. You have to strategically carry him and move him. This is going to take a bit more focus from you, but you are up to it.
Look for the clues of when he is going in this direction. 2.5 year old are still discovering the boundaries of their bodies, and they can really struggle with their sensory inputs (and outputs). Watch for his energy and find a way to head it off at the pass. Can he kick something safe? Rip paper? Hit pillows? Throw something? Bounce on a trampoline? Get outside and run in circles? Pretend to do karate? Can you roughhouse with him? Throw him around a little (in a playful way?)
If you are feeling really angry, burnt out and resentful, get some help. Find some childcare (give them a heads up about the hitting), and take some much-needed time for yourself.
Good luck!
My two year old seemed interested in potty training (he follows us into the bathroom, wants to flush the poop in his diaper, etc), so over Christmas break we gave the Three Day Potty Training technique a try. The first few days went well: constant puddle accidents stretched to the occasional lake accident stretched to making it to the potty in time, lots of celebrating and it all seemed to be going so well. He was proud of his big boy underwear and I was thrilled…until he just stopped caring about a week in, and just peed and pooped in his underwear and all over everything, everywhere. So we quit and I figured we’d try again. Any advice about how to know when that WHEN should be? He’s got to be potty trained by the time he starts his 3 year old preschool class in August, and I know it’s a while away but I do worry that he won’t be ready in time.
You doing the right thing by quitting.
August is FAR away, don’t worry about it. The worrying will make you crazy and in turn, it will make him crazy, so don’t do it.
Be as easy as you can with it. Follow his cues. He will get there, in his own time!
Ok, so I have to ask this, because I love reading your parenting advice columns. Every time I take something away, put something in my parenting tool box and in my heart. Only thing: I have TWO children (4 1/2 and almost 2) not just one that I need to focus on. So, when one ‘misbehaves’ (on their own, involving the sibling or me), I would really like to take the time focusing on the one, but I also have to take care of the other one. It’s mostly the older (my little hothead) getting frustrated when something doesn’t go her way, then she screams, grunts, slams doors, hits me or sibling. I would like to stand by her and show her, big emotions are ok and Mom is here. But I have a scared, screaming two-year-old, too. I feel like, I can do right by either of them. Thoughts?
Firstly, thank you for reading my stuff.
Secondly, you are working waaaaay too hard, mama.
By simply NOT punishing big emotions, you ARE powerfully parenting your children.
Yes, you need to keep humans and house safe, and you need to do whatever you need to do to make that happen, but you cannot possibly attend of these needs, all of the time.
GET THROUGH THESE STORMS and then later, when the waters are calmer, do some good connecting. You can even revisit the tantrum (although I don’t recommend doing that too much). I just suggest good old-fashioned fun, laughing, snuggling.
You are parenting tough ages, so go easy on yourself. More is not more in parenting.
😉
I have shared custody of my 3 year old son and have him at my home every other weekend and alternating holidays. My son’s mother makes “poor parenting choices” to include giving him his own tablet with calling abilities, keeping him in a diaper at different points of the day for her convenience, and keeping him up as late as she is (often later than 10 or 11pm). As a concerned father who refuses to repeat her poor choices and isn’t brought in on parenting discussions, what’s my best course of action to help my child grow into a good man?
Uggg, so tough. And you know that the child is the one suffering for this, BUT….there is so much you can do.
See your home and YOU as a safe harbor of consistency and routine AND fun.
Essentially, YOU DO YOU.
You know he needs to be in bed earlier and you do that at your house. You know he wants to use the potty, so when your son is at your house, you provide those opportunities. You know the tablet is not good for his growing brain, so when he is with you, he doesn’t use one.
It may not feel like much, but your impact can be real and long-lasting for your son.
And, if you can, try to have some empathy for his mother. While her choices are not maybe the BEST, this could be her doing the best she can. Keep a strong friendship with her, and speak highly of her to your son. Allow him to be sad about the things at mom’s house without becoming irate with her. Maybe you could be given more time, down the road?
Just keep the kindness and communication open…for everyone.
My 11 month old daughter has started throwing tantrums of sort. I’m hoping its not an early sign of some maladaptive behavior though she has no reason I’m aware of to develop such behaviors. When we take something from her or if I set her down for a minute, she starts yelling/screaming and eventually can produce tears and really melt down on occasion. I tell her no, try to comfort her or ignore her alternately. Nothing seems to work right now. Any ideas?
Always, always check with your pediatrician if you have any doubts, questions, or worries about your child.
But my guess is that this sounds pretty normal. She is expressing a great of frustration because being 11 months old is about as frustrating as it gets.
She has little access to language, so she cannot communicate all of her deep emotions (at least not quickly). Her body is strong, but she cannot control it as well as she would like.
She sees things and is driven by the pure emotion of just wanting it. When she cannot have it, there is no reasoning in her brain…she is too immature.
This is all frustrating and tiring for you…but NOT maladaptive. In fact, I would argue that what you are witnessing IS adaption at work. It is very messy…and there are many many MANY more messes to come.
Go to my website and look at the development books there, they will help you a bit with what to expect!
My daughter recently had sex and then ended up with an STD. She told me she had used a condom but it broke. It just struck me today that she lied to me. I mean, what are the chances of getting an STD with a broken condom? I realize that it can happen BUT she was so panicky about getting checked etc… I am just furious!!!! Should I confront her? The good thing about all of this is that she got bacterial vaginosis which is supposed to be treatable. And she will probably refrain from having sex for a while now. But I still want to confront her and determine if she did lie to me. Your thoughts, please. And yes, I am mad.
Of course you are upset, I get it. I REALLY GET IT.
And focusing on the lie (which we don’t know…I know LOTS Of babies who came from broken condoms…it HAPPENS) is going to 100% blow up your relationship and you DON’T WANT THAT.
She told you that she has an STD (and STI they are now called). Do you know the courage that took? How afraid she must have been? Of your judgment?
What do you think will happen if you confront her? At worst, you will shame her and will stop talking to you. At best, she will dig in and stop talking to you. Either way, DON’T CONFRONT HER UNLESS YOU WANT HER TO STOP TALKING TO YOU.
I don’t know how old she is, but she’s a good OBGYN. She needs loving support, and you need to tell her how glad you are she told you. You need to stay CLOSE to her…and go for her feelings. Say, “Oh my gosh, you must have been so scared.” “And, it so upsetting when something unexpected happens…”
Then wait and see if she opens up. See if you can get some insight into her heart, her thinking, her relationship. Does she need education? A pill? More condoms?
How can you be a person who is on her side? And if you cannot be, is there another trusted adult in her life she can call. I know this is going to be DEEPLY uncomfortable, but the alternative is to be in the dark…and that is even scarier for her than it is for you.
Don’t focus on the lie, focus on your relationship.
I’m taking my 2.5 year old son on a non-stop cross-country flight to Seattle in late March, and I booked us first class tickets so that we’ll have space, and snacks, and pillows and etc. Pricy? Sure, but I’m hoping it’ll help. Any advice for what to pack to minimize the headaches of boarding, passing the time, and deplaning on the other end? I’m hoping to avoid lugging along a bunch of unnecessary stuff (I rented a CARES harness so I don’t have to take the car seat, for instance). Thank you!
Sounds to me like you are way, way prepared. Someone suggested to me when my guy was about that age to get a few small items — silly putty, a matchbox car, a few stickers — and wrap them up (inexpensive tissue or newspaper). Bring them out at various intervals during the trip. The unwrapping will take up some fun time and the small item inside will seem new and surprising. Also, I swear it’s never as bad in reality as you think it’s going to be. Meghan?
I like Amy’s suggestions and this is also when a tablet or iphone is KEY. A little Sesame Street can go a long way on a plane. And lollipops.
But listen: he’s a toddler. $%# happens. If anyone is rude because your child makes noise…well, IGNORE THEM. Everyone has a right to be on the plane, including your child. Adults are the ones who need to be more mature…not the child. If you are doing the best you can, that is all you can do.
Be confident.
Something I wish I’d known when we adopted our daughter and flew home with her: You can change the accessibility settings on an iPad so that multi-finger swipes work just like one-finger swipes. Of course, our kid had never seen a tablet before and didn’t know how to work one.
That’s the mantra of my toddler, even when I’m holding him! I accommodate him as often as I can, but sometimes I have to go to the bathroom, fold some laundry, or take out the trash, and that requires both hands! I’ve been reading How to Talk so Kids LIsten and How to Listen so Kids Talk, and I’ve tried labeling what seems to be his anxiety that I’m going to leave him and telling him that I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, and the chorus just begins anew, and even louder and more insistent: Hold mommy, hold mommy, hold mommmmmmmmmmy! What can I do?
Never use the toilet again.
NO! I am kidding.
So…yes…your toddler is definitely wanting to be physcially close to you. Good. We know this.
But it is also okay for him experience the discomfort of not being held.
Those emotions are going to arise, he will cry, and he will adapt. And you do ahead and say, “I am here…I know it is scary” and you hug and kiss.
Just because he doesn’t like to be put down doesn’t mean you have to hold him 24/7…it is not healthy for you.
So, plan some little absences throughout the day to help him adapt. I am talking about smiling, looking him the eye, and saying, “Mommy is getting a glass of water…I will be right back.” He will cry, and you follo-through. When you return, you cuddle.
Short little incidences like this will turn into slightly longer bits of time that he will be able to tolerate some absence.
BUT, it is normal for this age to act like this…and very tiring for you. Rest often, Mama.
Such a silly problem, but my 4 year old son does NOT like his finger or toe nails trimmed. He never has, but as he’s gotten older it’s even harder. I’ve gotten to the point that I wait until he’s had an extra exhausting day then sneak into his bedroom and trim them after he falls deeply asleep, which is hard (dark!) and seems dangerous. Do you have any ideas or tips? Bribery doesn’t work.
Have a spouse use a flashlight? I don’t know. I would turn on a show, give a lollipop and some ice cream….really lay it on thick.
Just do what you can without causing too much psychological harm.
Ahhh, parenting.
I apologize – I know this question has been asked before but I am having trouble finding it: I am pregnant with my first and wondering if there are any parenting books you recommend as must-reads. There are so many out there, its overwhelming and I love your chats/respect your advice! Definitely planning to read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen but would love some other recommendations (maybe more focused on the earlier months/years). Thanks!
While this may not be what you want to hear, I am going to recommend NOT reading too many books. A couple of development books (go to mysite for a list) may help you understand your child a bit more, but if the parenting books make your thinking rigid and make you more anxious…they are not helpful.They are hurtful.
You have everything you need to parent your child.
If you need more support, get it.
If you feel depressed and overwhelmed, get help.
If you are lonely, have a list of people to call.
Simply knowing yourself and having a team of people who love you will keep you in good stead.
You can do this, books or no.