I have a 14 year old son. We are having the toughest time getting him up and ready to go to school on time. He is an A student, very driven and ambitious, once he is awake. This morning routine of not getting up on his own is driving my wife and I crazy. What can we do? Should we let him sleep, miss school and fail to teach him a lesson?
Oh man. I feel badly for you AND your son.
Science has shown over and over and over that teens this age have A LOT of trouble with early mornings. And all of the technology isn’t helping (keeps them up later).
And yet schools keep these early schedules going. Brain scans show that some children are not fully awake until 10 AM! That is third period for some children! YIKES.
So, what can I tell you? Make sure he is getting to bed as early as humanly possible at night. I know this is not easy, but the effort is worth it. Keep the technology out of his room, too.
Entice with really yummy and easy breakfasts. Smell is so important, and sometimes that can rouse a child.
Have a meeting with him and start to create some solutions. How can he take some ownership of this?
I am not too keen on attaching consequences right now, but if it might be an option down the road. Just let it be the last one.
Finally, do a thorough check with his doctor and make sure he healthy!
Everytime I say no (no more tv) or ask her to do something she doesn’t want to (pick up your toys) my 6 year old gets mad and says I’m a bad mom and writes it down on any paper she can find. How can I address this?
Oh my, I love this.
It is like the anti-love note.
I know it is distressing for you, and I know it doesn’t feel good, but this is all normal and good.
She loves TV, why would she want it to go off?
She does not like to clean, who does?
These plans do not fit in with her wishes and she doesn’t like them.
Well, too bad. It is okay to feel angry and frustrated about it. And it is okay to write a note issuing her complaints (“bad mom”)
She is running into your boundaries and it is unpleasant.
This is called adaption.
Don’t punish her for the notes or for the upset, it is 100% normal.
And don’t change your boundaries, this is your parental job.
Just see it as the healthy venting of a young child.
🙂
In the 3 year old column from February 10, you suggested letting the child know that mom and dad love him always even when he’s screaming and biting – I would like to suggest the book I Love You Through And Through, by Bernadette Rossetti Shustak. From the time my son could pick out his own bedtime book until he was almost 5 we read that book every day (most days multiple times). It’s wonderful.
Thank you! I have not heard of it and will definitely check it out.
My 2yr old son is definitely in a mom-phase and will often say “no no hug daddy” or “no no hello daddy.” My husband doesn’t take it personally (although he probably wishes it were otherwise), but I was wondering if you could give some insight into why our son says that and if there is anything we can do differently to make him feel equally comfortable with my husband as he is with me. Would having them spend more one-on-one time make a difference? (Right now, my husband works full time and I work part time). Or is this just something we need to wait out? Thanks!
So, Gordon Neufeld calls this the polarity of attachment.
Very young children are attached to one person at a time. It is a sign of immaturity and is VERY VERY normal.
And this can get a little stuck.
Good on your hubs for not taking it personally (it isn’t), and yes, he should absolutely take her on his own.
When he takes her to the park on his own, there will be crying and much sadness galore. Wailing and reaching.
Keep going through that.
And when you get to the park, hubs should have some special snacks and be prepared to have fun (not sit on bench on phone).
All he has to do is delight in her.
When you get home, she may run back to you right away…she may stay close to Daddy…but just have him keep taking her to play, putting her too bed, etc.
Good luck.
My almost 4 year-old is a picky eater to the nth degree. There are about 6 healthy meals that he is willing to eat, so those are what is in his rotation. He refuses to eat ANY vegetables, so I hide them in his pancakes and “cupcakes” (which are healthy muffins) that I make for him. He refuses to eat beans, meat and eggs. He gets the majority of his protein from hummus, greek yogurt, and of all things… soft goat cheese. Thankfully he will eat a decent assortment of fruit. Oh, and of course he has never met a junk food he didn’t like. I have managed to create balanced healthy meals for him, even if the variety is very limited. And our house rule is that if he is too full to finish his dinner, then he must be too full to eat snacks afterwards too. At what point to I need to become more strict in insisting he try more things. I do put new things on his plate sometimes, but he throws a complete tantrum and refuses to eat anything if the new food remains on his plate. I tried to feed him chicken nuggets and tator tots the other day (not a healthly meal at all, but what kid can refuse that?). I said he at least needed to try it and if he didn’t like it he could have something else. People always tell me “if they are hungry, they will eat.” He refused to eat for 2 days until I finally threw that away and gave him something he would eat. My husband and I cook most meals at home, and we are always encouraging our kids to help us cook and be involved. We go to the farmers market every weekend as a family to buy fresh produce/fruit. I feel we do all the things that the “experts” advise for getting kids to eat healthy and none of that works in our house. Do you have any advice?
Here are some good pieces we’ve run about kids and food and eating.
Also, Aviva Goldfarb is a favorite of mine when it comes to family meals(and cooking issues, frankly).
Meghan?
Well jeez. It sounds like you are doing the best you can…
Here’s the thing. Family meals are 40% food, and 60% family togetherness.
Yes, nutrition matters and manners matters.
BUT or AND, you don’t want to destroy your relationship with your child over vegetables.
You are trying to get him to cook. You take him to farmers markets. You offer what you can. So, leave it be for a while.
Make the food you want to make with something in there that he will eat and don’t talk about it. Just serve it.
Get rid of the junk food in your house. Seriously. If it is a fight, don’t have it there. Or at least hide it.
Celebrate when he trues stuff. Not in a crazy over the top way, but notice it with a smile.
I am essentially asking you to chill out.
He will be okay. You are doing a great job. Don’t worry so much.
My husband and I used an egg donor for me to conceive and give birth, because we wanted at least one of us to have a genetic connection to the child, and I wanted people to assume this is my baby. He is 16 and is almost like a stranger to me. There has always been something missing, and I wish that we had acknowledged that having a child this way would be akin to half-adoption. His heritage, personality, medical history, and interests–it all came from someone else, and due to the enforced anonymity (by the clinic), we may never meet this woman. And, we’ve never told him, although I think he has a suspicion. I look enough like him that I “pass” as his mother. Sigh. Brave New World indeed.
RUN don’t walk to a therapist who specializes in this issue.
Your son needs the truth.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE seek out support for your family.
The lack of connection with your son involves this truth you are hiding.
My very smart, sensitive, perceptive 5 1/2 year old son has started telling some small lies and I don’t know the best way to handle it. He has lied only a handful of times (that I’ve caught him), and it’s usually about something silly like if he’s washed his hands or if he’s told the teacher something. When I ask if he’s washed his hands after using the bathroom, he will immediately reply “yes,” and since I’ve caught him fibbing about it before, I ask to smell his hands and when I do this he immediately crumples his shoulders and mumbles, “sorry Mom….” The lying is usually related to a task he would rather avoid doing. It’s frustrating to me because I don’t know what other things he could be lying about that are more significant (like the times another child supposedly took his yougurt at lunch). I’ve tried explaining how if he has a habit of lying, nobody will belive him when he’s really being truthful. We have also read the story of the boy who cried wolf, and he has been sent to him room for lying. While he is very mature in other ways, our “talks” seem to go mostly over his head- he’s sorry for the moment, but that doesn’t necessarily stop him from telling another fib. Please help me know what is the developmentally appropraite response to this type of situation. Thanks!
I am writing a column for the Post right now (literally) about lying, so here are some tips:
1) Stop asking him to lie. If you know he didn’t do something, then simply lead him to the sink and wash your hands together. Parents invite their children to lie constantly and it doesn’t do anyone any good.
2) Don’t punish or shame him when you know he hasn’t done something. Say, “Oops! The water didn’t get everything” and take him to the sink. Just take the STRONG lead and let it be very loving.
3) Don’t lecture. NO HUMAN ON EARTH wants a lecture. Literally. Kid who cried wolf? No. Stop.
4) If he fibs all of the time, you are having trust and connection issues. Focus 100% on making your relationship easy and safe. Let him know that, no matter what, you love him and nothing can ever change that. We lie to people when we are afraid of their judgment and punishment. Make it safe for him to tell you the truth.
Good luck.
My wonderful 10-year-old daughter has become preoccupied with food. She’s gotten much heavier over the past year or so, after being fairly slender throughout her earlier childhood. At her last well-child exam, her BMI had increased significantly. The Dr. said that we’ll keep an eye on it, as she might be entering a growth spurt. Her older sister plumped up a bit before hitting puberty, and she’s grown and evened out to her earlier more average BMI. Little sister seeks carbs — she loves bread, pasta, rice. I’m concerned with her seeming fixation, as the carb-seeking seems relentless. I reiterate the need to balance carb foods with protein & fruit/veg to stay full and healthy, but my mild approach hasn’t yielded any improvement. She’s a fairly active kid, but not involved in any rigorous sports. I don’t want to ding her self-image by pointing out the weight gain, or draw battle lines in the amount and/or types of food she’s allowed. What I want to do is help her self regulate and not have bad habits become entrenched. She has really put on a great deal of extra weight (particularly around her middle), and I’m becoming quite worried.
Biologically, it is 100% normal for a girl to put on weight in the middle before she begins to menstruate. It the body getting ready to become a woman!
But you are also seeing eating issues…so we gotta look at other stuff here.
What is happening in school?
Is she anxious?
Depressed?
Friend problems?
Learning issues?
Eating problems are usually a symptom of someone who feels out of control. Where does she need safety?
I strongly recommend reaching out to Rebecca or Karen to look into this a bit more deeply.
This is not about weight…this is about stress.
Above all, stop making ALL comments about her eating. ALL.
They are not working and create stress.
And awesome on the activity, keep that going!
Good luck.
My then-four year old once got all riled up and told me, “I wish you’d been born on Mars so you’d be dead!” I suppose I should have kept in my amusement, but instead I laughed long and hard. Didn’t help the situation at the time, but now that he’s a teenager he can find the humor. And most of the time he doesn’t want me to be dead.
LOLOL, thanks for the laugh.
I love it when children creatively insult…it is pretty amazing.
😉
Hi there! I’m a grandmother now, but I have a friend temporarily living with me, a single mother of a 2.5 year old daughter. She is very verbally precocious, and for the most part, an easy, happy child. She does have a few meltdowns a day, but quickly recovers. I remember raising my kids, and my second was easier because I realized that whatever was going on would soon pass, and I didn’t take it so seriously the second time around. I think my friend would benefit from a book or two. One on the typical stages of a pre-schooler, and another on how to raise a child in a loving, and respectful manner. There are so many books out now, and a lot of them are, unfortunately, ridiculous. Can you help me with a suggestion or two? Thanks! Older and (maybe) wiser-
I have lots of books on children (go here for the list), but if all is going well, it is okay to leave well enough alone.
An important part of parenting is dancing with the struggle and coming out the other side.
While some information can be greatly helpful, too much information can lead us down a rigid parenting path.
As long as she keeps a soft heart and strong boundaries, she will make her way through!
Keep supporting her.
My 6 yr old son has always had very big emotions. He is a great kid and we try to give him space to express his emotions, though we do sometimes ask him to cry in his room if he’s distracting/upsetting the rest of the house (we also have a 3 year old son). That’s fine at home, but I recently picked him up from his aftercare program at school and watched him lose a race to another child. He accused the other kid of cheating and started to bawl and couldn’t get control of himself. At first I comforted him but after a few minutes I started to feel embarrassed and frustrated that he was crying so loudly. I don’t want him to stifle his emotions, or tell him that boys shouldn’t cry, etc, but I also would like him to do a better job handling disappointment. I am I being unrealistic for a 6 year old?
We have two issues:
1) his big emotional reactions
2) your reaction to his big emotional reactions.
OF COURSE you are embarrassed. It was embarrassing. You would be some kind of robot to not have any feelings.
Unfortunately, American are obsessed with age being correlated to maturity, and this is just not the way it is.
I don’t know anything about him, but has he been looked at for SPD? Take a look at this and see if he needs to be assessed.
In any case, pick up a good book about sensitive children.
They need to be parenting differently.
And get some support.
I do this kind of work, as well as many other great coaches.
Good luck!
My daughter is 8 years old and is extremely sensitive. Any perceived criticism or slight will reduce her to tears. She is very much in tune with the moods of others, is genuinely concerned with the welfare of others, and is just a sweet kid. I love that sweetness, but I’m afraid her sensitive nature is sometimes a burden for her. I’d like to see her deal with conflict in a more positive way, without all the tears and extreme emotion. Any advice?
Hire me (tee hee) or start to read some good literature.
Sensitive children need a different set of parenting skills from us.
But you are up to the challenge!
Seriously.
I also love this.