Good morning parenting type people. Thanks for joining us. A few things: Here’s Meghan’s most recent column that deals withextroverts/introverts. You may have missed her piece during the holidays which I’ve applied to my own life already (thanks again, Meghan!)…Alrighty.
A ton of questions await, so let’s get to it.
Amy Joyce
 My oldest son transitioned to underwear overnight without problem. But my almost 6-year-old and 4 1/2-year-old still we their overnight pullups almost every night. It may be laziness. We have tried cutting out drinks past a certain time, underwear only for several nights (resulting in my changing the sheets at 4 am), rewards, anything. What to do?
A: Meghan Leahy
Wear the pull-ups. Put them on the kids. I know they are expensive and annoying (we have them in my house, too), but the sheet changing and the drink management and everything else….oy. Too much. And if you ask a pediatrician, you cannot train a child to potty train at night. You cannot. It happens when they are ready. No worries. Put the pull-ups on and let it go! They will get there…every child is different.
Q: Anxiety at bed time dealing with the dark/monsters
Hi, my 10 year old son is very anxious at bed time, he doesn’t settle nor fall asleep until sometimes hours after we put him to bed. We have a night light, a lamp on low, a string of xmas lights above his bed and also the en suite bathroom light stays on all night. He’s afraid of he dark and of monsters and of being alone, which he is not as his little sister sleeps in the bunk bed below him. Will this end any time soon, and can we help him get over this?
A: Meghan Leahy
Hmmmm.
Questions:
Has the child been through a trauma? Recent or in the past?
Does he have Sensory Processing Disorder or other sensitivities?
Is he anxious in other domains in his life?
Is he safe at home or in school?
Is he being bullied or abused?
How long has this been going on?
Is he in a developmental spurt?
You cannot help him get over this until you understand the root of the issue…
I know that this may be frustrating…but it is true.
Just to clarify and be transparent (#journalism): I wasn’t the one who asked. It was an anonymous question I transferred over from last week.
My family member has a 2 year old and a 6 month old that I adore – I love playing with them and carrying them and in general being with them. The issue is that I now have a newborn, and now my attention is divided when I am around them. She gives them free range whereas I accompany them- so that they don’t ingest dangerous things, climb things they can fall off, etc. She is generally like this… And the rest of the adults don’t share my concern. The kids haven’t had any major recent accidents, and she isn’t neglectful, just more hands off. I tag team with my husband, but it’s difficult when we are hosting them- family member remains hands off. How do you balance supervising children that aren’t yours while respecting a parenting style that isn’t yours? IE should I work on being less anxious or on being more assertive?
“IE should I work on being less anxious or on being more assertive?”
I don’t know.
But I am guessing that you have an idea…
Here’s the thing: you have a newborn. That is pretty hands-on. You cannot really follow a 2 yo and a 6 mo around. Not easily.
By necessity, you may need to be more chill about the monitoring.
BUT, you also have a voice and when they are in your house, you can say, “listen, I am a little anal, I know…but someone has got to watch these kids in my house. I will be a nervous wreck and it will ruin the party and no one wants that.”
Keep it light and funny, but ask your family to step up. 2 and 6 mo are YOUNG and need some watching.
Good luck.
My wonderful husband has been in my twins lives since they were 18 months, adopted them at four, they’re now six. He is and always will be their dad. There is of course a biological father but there was never a plan for biological father to be in the picture. It was my desire to be a mom and the wonders of science that made any of this possible. My husband wants the kids to eventually know the story. He feels the potential harm from the kids discovering on their own outweighs any upside to not telling them. I’m not so sure.
So, the kids think that their adopted dad is their bio dad?
Run, don’t walk, to some good adoptive websites and resources and talk to smart people who understand this stuff inside and out. They will help you immensely, and the community aspect of it all is so needed.
I am NOT an adoption expert, but here’s the deal: the truth is the best route. Always. Forever. And there is an age-appropriate way to tell children the truth. About everything. Seriously. Does that mean that there isn’t pain, worry, sorrow, and FEAR? (Oh, the fear…) There is. But my heavens, you cannot spring this when they are teens. Or god-forbid, adults.
Get support and find a way.
Good luck…
My husband and I are gun owners, we both have conceal and carry permits. I never carry but my husband has a dangerous job, so often does for work. We keep all firearms unloaded and locked in our 2 gun safes at home. It’s been this way since before our son was born, and now that he’s 3, we are extra vigilant. On New Year’s Eve we went to some friends house for a kid friendly party. Nice couple, they have a 6 month old baby. Husband is ex military and had returned home from deer hunting the day before, leaving his rifle sitting in the entryway. I noticed it as soon as we walked in, but couldn’t think of a nice/polite way to inquire if it was loaded or request he put it away. I spent most of the party closely watching my son (and the many other kids) to make sure no one went near it, and EVENTUALLY the guy noticed he left it out “Opps! I guess I forgot. Of course it’s unloaded, I’ll put it away” as he takes it into another room, although he returns so quickly I wonder how AWAY, away really was. I should have said something earlier, right? WHAT? While I’m a gun owner, we’re more liberal than our group of friends on every other issue, and I’m hesitant to tell ‘Macho Military Guy’ how to run his own house. I also hate conflict. He seemed completely desensitized to the danger and responsibility of gun ownership around children. Maybe I should say something to the wife, whom I’m closer friends with anyway. But…What? How? I don’t want to lose them as friends over it.
Ugggggg.
There is a report A DAY about young children getting their hands on weapons and accidentally shooting themselves or others.
It is beyond tragic. It is beyond damaging. It is neglect and lack of responsibilty, and it make me see red with anger.
SO, you know my answer. YOU SAY SOMETHING. IMMEDIATELY. You don’t have to be meek or a jerk…just matter of fact. Because it is a matter of LIFE OR DEATH.
But here is the real question: why are you friends with someone who is so macho and so desensitized? You cannot be friendly and honest with someone about a FRIGGIN’ GUN IN THE CORNER?!
You have to ask yourself why you choose to keep friendships like this or if you need to become more assertive. For all you know, you could have said something and he would have jumped up and thanked you!
Get straight with what this is about. It is too important.
My 2 1/2 year old son refuses to nap when he’s home (He still sleeps regularly at daycare, for up to 2 hours at a time!) – we used to let him “cry it out” in his crib, but now he can climb out (he hasn’t, but he could)… now he typically powers through from about 7am – 4pm or so, crashes and is overtired until we put him to bed about 7pm. Suggestions?
Hmmm, not really.
I think that I would incorporate some down time in the day, make it quiet and snuggle.
And put him to bed an hour earlier.
Ok, I confess that last night I read some of my 8th grade son’s text messages. An 8th grade girl sent him a text saying that she was breaking up with him because she likes someone else. My son sent his buddy a text that he is now single and the guy friend informed my son that the girl had dated him on a dare and that it was all a sham. This seems so cruel. The poor little guy’s heart must be broken, and I can’t even let on that I know. What to do? I really want my son to focus on his studies, not all of this drama.
Awwww man. My heart just broke.
That sucks.
Soooooo…..ummmmmm. Hmmm.
First of all, I don’t, but there is a known rule that I can read any or all texts that come to my child’s phone. I don’t abuse this, but I want her to know that I can and occasionally do.
You haven’t set that up, but now you know this crappy thing.
So, you gotta get close to him.
Take him to a sporting event…a long drive….dinner….a book store….a hike, whatever.
See if he starts talking.
If nothing..I will say stuff like, “hey, I just read an article about how some kids are pretty mean these days…what do you think? Do you think they are?”
See what happens. Just keep showing up.
For all we know, maybe he doesn’t care….but I cannot imagine that…
And depending on your relationship, you could do this (and I am not going to lie, I would do this with my kid), “Listen, I saw these texts and I know you are going to be super-pissed, but I saw what Lucy did and I think that is really crappy. And I want you to know that stuff like that happened to me, and I get it if you are pissed and hurt.”
If you think your relationship can handle this, I like direct.
BUT ONLY YOU KNOW.
Either way, get around him and offer some love.
Man, middle school. Sucks.
Hi, Meghan. You’re a much nicer person than I am. If one of my nieces or nephews claimed to be entitled to more than my $10 gift (for a 7 year old!) the kid would never again get so much as a card from me. But I have a related question. I’m a single, 40 something woman with 7 local nieces and nephews ranging in age from 2 to 11. While I’m usually happy to be involved in their lives, I’m a quiet, bookish sort and some of them are quite rowdy. They embarrass me in movie theaters and have meltdowns in restaurants and at the zoo. Not surprisingly, I prefer to spend time with the 2 whose temperaments best match my own. I’ve actually cried in public myself when the others got out of hand. I know they say the most unlovable child is the one who needs love the most, but I’m not sure I can handle that.
This is the column being referred to in this question.
My heavens, don’t do anything that leaves you crying in public with wild children! That is..not okay. At all.
7 kids is TOO MANY KIDS TO TAKE ANYWHERE.
Literally. You need to cut yourself a break.
Go see them in their abodes.
Play video games for an hour. Have a nerf gun fight for 15 minutes. Call it a day.
You are not obligated to twist yourself into an emotional pretzel.
Do less. Be yourself. Let it be easier.
Seriously? Those kinds of comments from your hyper liberal persuasion can really turn off parents who could benefit from your advice.
uuuuuh, say wa?
I gave really good advice.
Put guns away? Normal.
Have friends that are kind and respectful? Normal.
Children are shooting themselves and others? A real issue.
If this is too liberal, I am sorry. Take your advice from someone else.
Have a good day.
See if you can find a quote from prominent military person about the importance of gun safety. Mirror his own community to him. My father was taught to shoot by their gamekeeper in Hungary when he was a boy. the gamekeeper was pretty much rabid about gun safety. My father pretty much foamed at the mouth about how truly dangerous Americans are with their guns, so he was similar to you. Remember, you handle guns yourself, safely, you have some personal standing in this conversation and cannot be dismissed as a namby panby pinko liberal who knows nothing.
Love this. There is nothing “liberal” or “conservative” about gun safety.
It is common-sense.
Grandma (my mom) is getting married in three weeks. I have 7 and 6 y.o. Grandma seems to be under the impression that once she is married, stepgrandpa is defacto invited to all of my kids events (probably fine), welcome to stay at our house (don’t love it, but probably allow) and our kids can go stay at Grandma and Stepgrandma’s new house according to the same schedule that they stayed a Grandma’s old house. Husband and I are very opposed to kiddos staying with Grandma and Stepgrandpa without my husband or me. How do we explain to Grandma? Stepgrandpa seems to be upstanding but I am just not comfortable with the idea.
Okay…
Let’s not complicate this.
You say something like, “We love Dave and cannot wait to spend more time with him. We are going to take our time and hold off on overnights until the kids feel comfortable…”
And then you have them over, go to movies, get some lunch, etc.
Get comfortable (or not) with Dave and your mom.
Your instinct is telling you something. Don’t ignore it, but also find ways to get to know Dave (with your children!)
Good luck.
My three year old has recently become quite emotional. Little things seem to set her off crying, which months ago were nothing. Tips on how to deal with that?
Yes. Allow the tears, mirror the emotions, give a tissue, hug and wait.
When time doesn’t allow for this, do the best you can.
I have an 8 year old son who gets angry easily. He recognizes that he gets mad at silly things and would like to change. Any resources you would recommend to help him learn to deal with this? He doesn’t want to talk to anyone, so therapy is out. Thanks.
Help him make a list of ACCEPTABLE things he can do to let the anger out.
Throwing stuff (soft and okay), foot-stomping, yelling (yes, yelling), screaming into pillows, stating “I AM SO ANGRY I COULD POP!” tearing paper, etc, punching a punching bag, martial arts classes, boxing,
Anger needs to move OUT OF THE BODY.
Find safe and acceptable ways to move anger out of the body.
Some may suggest meditation, but that can be used to SUPPRESS feelings…we don’t want that.
But I do LOVE breathing exercises to allow the brain to come into equilibrium.
Just keep helping to state, “I feel SO angry about….”
Get the INSIDE OUT.
🙂
Thanks, I really liked your response!
(imagine a thumbs-up emoji here)
🙂
Also, the parents should ask the sister if she’s trying to scare her older brother. The post didn’t say how old she is, but a highly verbal 8 year-old girl might not hesitate to scare her older, larger brother with vivid stories of ghosts and monster simply because she can — and he might be ashamed to admit it.
That did not cross my mind, but worth checking on!
What a lively discussion today. Thanks for joining us. Make sure to check out Meghan at her (brand spanking new!) web site:mlparentcoach.com. You also should do yourself a favor and follow her on Facebook for her many good insights, funny comments and yes, tales of her own parenting struggles.
Also, check out On Parenting for many more parenting related stories. This important piece about maternal depression went up yesterday. Everyone should read it. We have a piece about nasty sugar and kids. And this story about not being able to afford child care is really something. We’re also on Facebook. Do follow for lots of good conversations and interesting pieces.
Also, a note: there were a TON of questions Meghan couldn’t get to today. Some deserved much longer answers than she can do here. Those questions will possibly become columns at On Parenting so keep an eye out. Thanks.
Find this over on The Washington Post.