Hello, Meghan and Amy, I love your wise and often tender parenting advice. My bright, self-concious 9-year-old son has refused to use the school bathroom since the beginning of the school year. He tells us he can hold it until he gets home. This weekend we attended an all-day event at a local high school. When my son refused to used the bathroom there, I pressed him to tell me what was up. His only comment was “It’s just too public.” How can I help him overcome this anxiety? For what it’s worth, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, and sadly see many of the struggles and worries I have/had manifested in my son. –Worry is my middle name
Hi there. Also for starters, check out this insightful piece from a mother with a diagnosed anxiety disorder, too. You’re so not alone.
And I’m sure Meghan will hit on this, but have you spoken to the school? I bet they can make accommodations to try to get your child headed in the right direction. Perhaps there’s a private bathroom he can start with and work his way back to public. Have you spoken with the school counselor?
Meghan?
As a person who used to get performance anxiety while going to the bathroom (TMI? Well, I think this happens to a lot of people), I feel his pain.
If he is a sensitive child, you are going to want to try to bring some relaxation to this scenario.
Speak to the school and see if we cannot bring him a little bit of privacy.
And in the meanwhile. have him use the stalls whenever possible. If he can have his father or another male use a stall next to his, this may also help bring some measure of comfort and relaxation to his worrying.
Above all, believe that he will get through this and communicate that to him. Keep assuring him that many people like privacy and there is nothing wrong with that.
Good luck.
Hi Meghan — thanks for doing this chat — it is so very helpful. I need help with my daughter who just turned 2. I love that she is spirited, bossy (I’m determined to turn that word into a positive for girls!) and makes her opinion known. What I don’t love is her reaction when things don’t go her way. She can be downright abusive. She hits me and pulls my hair several times a day. She hits her brother if he looks at her wrong some days. And I’ve seen her hit her BFF, but I don’t know if that extends to other kids she doesn’t know as well. She’s usually yelling “NO!” when she does it or some other demand/direction or crying. These things are happening mostly when something she doesn’t like occurs — brother takes a toy, I take her to bed when she wants to stay up, I won’t give her a food she wants — but sometimes it’s just because she’s surly too. I get that she has strong emotions right now and I am ok with that. But I can’t let the physical stuff keep going on. We are trying putting her down in the hallway or some other place away from the scene of the crime and flatly saying “no hitting”, but we haven’t gotten very far with that. Do you have any other suggestions? She starts preschool in January two days a week and I fear for the other kids!!
Just turned 2? Oh, she’s a baby…she is really little.
You are exhausted because this is CONSTANT boundary holding time. It is a lot for you.
And while the physical stuff feels “unacceptable,” it is one of the only ways she has to express her frustration. Think about it.
She cannot control much of her body or much of her language.
Everything she wants to do is a big fat no.
Everything that looks pretty is dangerous.
Everything that is fun is inconvenient.
And there is no end to how much annoys her in her environment.
This frustration is on ever-lasting loop that keeps going and going…
This is how humans grow.
What can you do?
Distract, distract, distract.
Make life as silly and fun as possible. Sing songs, tickle, giggle to get through this hard stage.
Don’t talk too much. She doesn’t get it, you get more and more angry. It is a recipe for disaster.
This WILL pass, stay patient!
Establish a great relationship with his teachers, thank them for their hard work, and have a sit down with them. Let them know that he is coming from a VERY free couple of years at his old school, and this transition is a little tiring for him.
There are a million resources out there to help your child move WHILE in the classroom, so please begin to look around at what would work for him, and ask the teachers what they have sued in the past.
Don’t talk too much about this at home, it is too stressful. Just keep highlighting what he does well and how his activity is a sign of growth and energy.
And GET HIM ACTIVE in the morning and right after school. Going to a playground, joining a physical sport or karate class, anything he will like that will get his body and mind moving!
My three-year old son was able to be somewhat potty-trained before entering public PreK3 this past August. Somewhat means that he is potty-trained during the day but wears a pull-up at night. We’re fine with that as he’s clearly not ready to give up the pull-up at night. The issue is that when he uses the potty, he feels that he needs to take off his underwear and pants, fully off. He also sits on the potty to pee instead of doing it standing up (probably due to my and his female daycare teachers’ attempts to get him comfortable with the potty). We don’t want to mess with a good thing (i.e. being potty-trained) but we know that the clothing thing is an issue at school as he sometimes can’t get it all off quickly before having an accident (and we’ve already had one teacher remark that its a little weird). And there’s not always a teacher available to help him as quickly as he needs to be helped to the bathroom (like the earlier parent, my son tends to hold “it” till the last possible minute, I think more due to control then the public issue since the pre-k bathrooms are are single bathrooms in each class). Eventually, it will get to the point where his male friends may notice that he won’t stand to pee. Do you have any suggestions? – Mom
My suggestions are to go slow and steady on this.
Just accept that there will be some accidents for now and pack him extra clothes.
Ask the teachers to help and be aware, and that he extra clothes are NO BIG DEAL.
Essentially, I want everything to feel like NO BIG DEAL.
Why?
The more pressure you apply to this, the worse it is going to get.
Keep up a mantra that sounds like “We will get there buddy, slow and steady. Accidents happen all of the time. There is no rush.” Smile, smile, smile. Have your husband or a close male caregiver talk to him about when he had accidents when he was little. Totally normal.Totally normal. Totally normal.
Essentially, prepare him for when he is at school, don’t worry about it at home, and gently work on it….
GENTLY.
🙂
I feel like my 9 year old thinks he rules the roost. My husband and I are attempting to take back the authority in the house. Before he leaves the house we ask him to put on his sweater. He yells he doesn’t need it. If we let it go, he won’t wear it and then he’ll get a cough or worse we have to take time off work. If we yell at him to wear it, he puts it on, but then we feel that we’ve lost our role as parent and are behaving like children. It’s the same for everything: brushing teeth, putting down the book and getting ready for school, stop playing and start homework, get pajamas on and settle down for bed, etc. In general, he’s taken to ignoring us. How can we retain the parental authority that our parents had, without the spankings that our parents used?
And while I know it is extremely frustrating to not be heeded, I have a simple question for you: How would you feel if you were treated like this? EVERY DAY. Commands, demands, bossing, and over-management. I believe your 9 year old is fighting back because you are treating him like a baby and he has had it. 100% had it.
You have an underlying belief that is really mucking up the works here. It is: If I do not manage the heck outta this kid, he will not be able to do anything by or for himself.
This belief will always lead you down a road of management and lack of faith, and hence, struggles.
It is his job to mature and it is your job to support it.
You are undermining his maturation when you manage sweater-wearing (let that go), homework, teeth, bed, etc. There is also no time that isn’t managed!
Let’s have some faith and give him some leeway. I am not saying it will be a walk in the park and I am not saying it will be perfect, but at least this struggle may lead to something good. The current struggle will only beget more and more upset and push-back.
For more tips and support, like from PEP or my online class.
Hi Amy and Meghan! My six year old son is in love with video games. We’ve found, however, that if he plays for any amount of time (we’re talking as little as 10 minutes), being told to stop–even if there’s been a timer and he’s been warned–results in huge tantrums the likes of which we haven’t seen in years. Is it unreasonable to, you know, throw the whole system out?
You have clear evidence that gaming + your son’s young brain = OVER STIMULATION.
I would absolutely get rid of it for right now.
If that is not an option, I would make WEEKENDS only (when the time crunch is less likely to happen), and continue to place STRONG boundaries on it.
Do not ignore what you see in front of you.
His brain needs more time to mature.
But what is the mother of the “Beast” supposed to do when she gets a call from another parent about her daughter hitting their child? The preschool is going to have a real problem with one child hitting another in anger.
Jumping in on this one: It happens all the time in preschool. ALL the time. As does biting. The preschool will help with this, which will probably help mom, too. They may call, and if they do, great. It’s the perfect time to talk about strategies. She won’t be the only 2-year-old hitter, I can promise you that.
I agree with Amy here.
You cannot open a school or daycare for 2 yo’s without expecting violence. It is part of the territory.
If the school isn’t prepared to handle it, get the child out of there.
I second Meghan’s suggestion. I also had a super-active kid, and for a while we had to take her to a playground for half an hour before dinner to tire her out. (we used to joke that we had to “walk the dog”) I work full time, so the compromise was that dinner for her was QUICK, and my husband and I ate later. Now, at 7, she’s much calmer, and her school offers lots of recess time/after school activity time, so the pre-dinner “dog walk” is no longer necessary, and we eat dinner as a family. All of these phases do pass, and we get through them the best way we can. Good luck!
LOVE THIS.
There are interesting studies that show when children used to walk to school (exercise), they were calmer is school because their bodies and minds were READY.
“Walking the dog” is in line with this!
This is sibling life.
I am not suggesting your allow your child to abuse her brother, but some hits are going to happen. And chances are pretty good he is going to get some in before he leaves the house, too.
Hitting is not fun, but stop making it so personal.
Family is all about pain and pain management.
Try to see the hitting coming and stop it BEFORE it happens.
After it happens, kiss the boo-boos and move on.
Ah, you are on the other side of it! Look at how that happened.
As maturation occurred, the ability to speak allowed the frustration to move in another way.
And just wait for all the wonderful things she will say in the future! 😉
For her entire life, my 3yo daughter has expressed a strong “mommy preference,” despite her dad being consistently loving, attentive and engaged as an equal partner in her care. So basically….WTF?? It comes and goes. When it happens it is so demoralizing and stressful for both of us. She’ll tell him she doesn’t love him, or just cry and get so upset when he (for example) goes to her after nap instead of me. When I’m not around, she gets so into him and they have a great time. Help?!
For starters, check out this piece we ran today by a stay-at-home dad whose daughter totally prefers mom. He has a humorous take on it, but some good insight.
Meghan?