Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach with Positively Parenting, and On Parenting editor Amy Joyce will talk about parenting children of all ages.
A busy day and week here at On Parenting. Today’s stories are all about (gulp) back to school.
Meghan’s column is also tackling the back to school transition.
I posted a story this morning by the head of Responsibility.org about talking to your teens about college drinking before they head off. And if you missed it, we got some great info about how we are holding our own daughters back, and what to do to help them become leaders.
Okay. Looks like we have a lot of parents ready for some advice from Meghan. Let’s discuss!
I have been using 123 Magic and Parenting with Love and Logic since my 6 yr old was a 3 yr old. Three years! It is only now showing results. He listens to me the first time I ask him to do something. He realizes right away that he shouldn’t hit and immediately says he is sorry. He even uses these “rules” with other kids. Now my youngest is almost four and none of these techniques works. It’s impossible to keep her in her room for a time out. I even sit with her and try to talk her through calming down. It worked win the oldest but with the youngest it causes her to hit, bite and kick me. I do stickers and other rewards to reinforce the positive behaviors. I’ve been doing this for three years and frankly I am angry and exhausted at the thought of having to do it three more years. As headstrong as the older one is, the younger one is even more so. Can you suggest another way of correcting bad behavior from my youngest? Thanks.
Oy. This is a tough one and you have my full empathy.
I think many parents can relate to having a technique work with one child only to have it utterly fail with another.
It is frustrating, to say the least.
I would go ahead and assume that 1,2,3 Magic is NOT going to work with your child. Trust what you see in front of you as the truth, which is that the positive reinforcement is doing the OPPOSITE of what you want here.
I would recommend the Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson book out now, No-Drama Discipline. Unlike other parenting books that focus on reaction and controlling negative behaviors, Siegel and Bryson focus on neuroscience, normal development, and common-sense ways to help your child through the storms of their behavior. It is a complete shift away from 1,2,3 and IMHO, a much healthier way to approach parenting, discipline, and most of all, cultivating and keeping strong connections.
I also recommend anything Dr.Laura Markham writes, as well as Vicki Hoefle. Both excellent, use wonderful anecdotes, and full of sense and love.
I am looking for age appropriate opportunities for my 9 year old daughter to volunteer to help others. We try to raise her with gratitude and appreciation for the life she is privileged to have, but I think nothing replaces face to face giving back. If it would include helping other children, that would be ideal, but any ideas are welcome.
If you’re looking for specifics, can you tell us where you live? Are you in the D.C. area? Food banks are usually good for that age. And the D.C. Diaper Bank offers great opportunities for kids (and adults) of all ages to volunteer. Do you belong to a church? They often have leads on various opportunities for kids that would be appropriate.
Meghan? Ideas/thoughts on volunteering at this age?
I am a big believer in going through your local school, church, etc. to find the needs in your community. There are so many park pick-ups, library needs, etc.
I would also encourage having your daughter volunteer in something she is interested in. So, if it is animals, do that. If is nature, do that. If it is painting buildings, do that. But allow her to become somewhat invested in it.
And when in doubt, your local elder-care home loves to have young people come in to do art, puzzles, you name it.
Hi Meghan and Amy, Submitting early…wondering if you recommend the use of treats (like candy or stickers) for potty-training purposes? I’m in the beginning phase of potty-training with my two year old. I didn’t really want to start, but she has been initiating sitting on the toilet (even without me) and pulling off her diaper when she wakes up, etc. She changes her baby’s “poopy”, etc. So, I’m guessing she’s ready. Thanks in advance for your advice and any recommended resources on this!
Meghan loves to talk potty training, and here’s her latest. It sounds like your daughter doesn’t NEED stickers if she’s doing it already. Rewards never worked for my older kid, and it took some serious time, and my younger one just decided one weekend that he was ready, so we never bothered with candy or stickers. I would recommend just keeping at it and let her lead the way. I think I’m channeling Meghan here. Meghan?
Amy has channeled me beautifully. 🙂
But seriously, there is nothing wrong with a sticker here and there, just don’t think it is going to bring about potty training faster or better or anything else.
If you want to celebrate sitting on the potty, go ahead, but I agree with Amy. Just keep doing what you are doing.
My son, (turned 5 in early July), just started kindergarten. He’s always been active, talkative, and not the best at following directions, so with a late birthday we did have some concerns going in. Well, 4 days into school (full-day) and we’ve already gotten a note home from the teacher. He was apparently having trouble keeping his hands to himself and trying to pick up other kids. We talked to him about how it was inappropriate to touch other kids, how if he feels like he is going to to hug himself or grab his own hand, but we’re concerned other notes will follow. He has shown similar behaviors when in large groups of kids, but we have not gotten reports of it from day care in over a year. At school, he was moved down a peg on the behavior chart at school and was kept in from his last recess (they have 3 a day). Just as troubling, if not more so to me, is when I asked how his day went (before I saw the note), he said his behavior was great, he had no time outs and even got an extra recess. So I was really not happy with him when I later read the note from the teacher. What is the best tactic going forward? Is disciplining him at home for his school behavior too far removed from the actual behavior to be helpful? Just have consequences at home if he lies about his school behavior? I don’t want him to think this type of behavior is okay, but also don’t want him to be in trouble all the time.
You need to get in there. STAT.
Let me begin with what you should not do (because that is what is alarming me the most right now):
1) DO NOT DISCIPLINE HIM AT HOME. Why? He doesn’t remember what he did. A new five year old who is touching his neighbors is not doing this to be bad or to break rules or anything else. He is touching neighbors and being “disruptive” because he is immature. THIS IS NOT BEING BAD. This is being immature.
2) DO NOT DISAGREE WITH HIM ABOUT HIS ASSESSMENT OF HIMSELF. He thinks he is great, and we gotta hold on to that with both hands.
3) DO NOT GIVE HIM CONSEQUENCES. (see number #1). Consequences will confuse him, make him mad at you, and make him hate school. Bad, bad, bad.
Now, there is a chance that:
A) The teacher is not up to snuff.
B) He is not ready for K.
C) He is just transitioning and needs time
D) He has an undiagnosed disability or something else afoot.
E) All of the above or some of the above.
DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT react and control his behavior. See his behavior as a sign of immaturity, not disobedience. Tattoo this on your forehead.
Get in the school and make some assessments, STAT. Meet with the teacher, meet with the principal, meet with everyone who can help your child. POSITIVELY. Join WITH the school to help your son.
See you pediatrician and rule out anything you can. You may begin to hear rumblings of ADHD and the like, but hold off. You may end up medicating immaturity, not a brain issue. Time will tell.
Lobby (gently) for that god-awful behavior to come down.
They don’t work with children who are struggling, they are shaming, and they make behavior WORSE.
You may end up moving him down a year. That is fine.
He may end up getting through this transition and doing well. That is fine. You may end up switching classes. That is is fine too.
Just DON’T DISCIPLINE HIM AT HOME FOR WHAT HAPPENS AT SCHOOL. He is too little.
Good luck.
Hello, my 4-year-old reacts with screaming and hitting, scratching, throwing things (at her parents), if things don’t go her way. While I understand, it’s normal for her age, I’m still trying to find a way to deal with the abuse. I ‘m using that word, because that’s what it feels like. I tried talking to her after, offering alternatives (hit a pillow), staying calm, ignoring it, have a family meeting about it, nothing seems to work long-term, so I’m off trying something else. Maybe I’m confusing her? Occasionally I can’t help it and start yelling at her, which I know doesn’t get us anywhere. I’ve identified situations when she’s more prone to hitting (when she’s tired, her blood sugar might be low etc), so I try to catch it, before she’s over the edge. But in general I think, it’s just her temper. Do we need professional help? Or is there a way that will help, if we just stick to it? Thanks
I like everything you are trying, you are on a great path.
The problem I am seeing is that she may be too young.
And that you are trying these approaches when emotions are running too high.
For some children, speaking to them in the midst of an explosion adds fuel to the fire. For some children, trying to hug or touch them in the mist of the explosion makes it worse. For some children, ignoring them makes everything worse. And it may seem like everything you do makes it worse.
So, my advice is for you is to stop trying.
Stop trying to find the right technique, the right strategy, the right “way” and instead, stay compassionately silent. Not ignoring, not mad, just kindly quiet.
You are trying to catch it before it happens (keep that up), but humans (esp. little ones) explode. A lot. And over reasons we don’t understand.
It isn’t abuse, it isn’t personal, and it isn’t a failure on your part.
It just sucks.
So, keep your head up and relax a little (I know, you may want to punch me for saying that.)
You will come through this…
My daughter starts 6th grade in a few weeks. At the beginning of the summer we talked about her summer reading requirement – 2 books she gets to pick and the completion of a fill in the blanks type report. Knowing that she never enjoyed reading, I offered to help her make a plan to spread it out over the summer. She said no, she had it. We’ve been to the library a few times and she’s checked out books. I’ve asked her several time how it was going. Yesterday came the meltdown. “This book is too scary (Doll Bones) so I didn’t read it, that book is too long.” “I can’t read, I just guess lucky on the tests” etc. complete with tears and stomping to her room. I’m sure I’m not alone in this dilemma. I’m inclined to offer again to help her develop a plan, continue to encourage her, and then let her fail if that’s what happens. Any advice?
Uggg, this is hard.
So…depending on your relationship, my recommendation is to stop offering and LEAD here.
Meaning, you and she are going to read together for 45 minutes, every day, until it is done. You, next to her. And then to sweeten the pot, do something fun, like make cookies or surf the web or do the boothstache app or whatever.
She’s nervous, she thinks she doesn’t like reading, and she’s flailing. If she were in the water, we would not offer the lifeline, we would just throw it and her the heck out.
But be prepared for a crappy attitude from her. Sighing, eye-rolling, tears, everything. Just keep going. Don’t punish her, but don’t give up either. Communicate full confidence. “I know this stinks, I know you’re nervous, but we can do this. I believe in you. I am right here.”
And go ahead and tell her stories of when you were nervous or hated something and you got through.
I don’t know how this will go. But I do feel like you are being called to stop offering your daughter help and instead, stand up into your parental power and say, “We are doing this.” With a smile of determination and support.
Good luck.
Hi! Thanks for your columns. My daughter is one and a half and I would like to start potty training her soon. My general plan is a no-pressure, here’s the potty, this is how it works scenario. Do you have any other suggestions? I know that the trend now is to wait until children are much older but I understand that trained before two used to be the norm.
Ignore norms and only pay attention to your child.
This advice also applies to everything else in your parenting life.
🙂
Happy back to school, if that’s where you’re at, folks. We have a lot of advice for you to peruse right here. For general parenting coverage, check out On Parenting and give us a like on Facebook to keep up with the conversation. Have a great week. We’ll be back to chat on the 26th.