You’ve talked about limiting peer time. Now that my daughter has transitioned to middle school she doesn’t see some of her closest friends during the day (big school, different classes). I know that she’s at school all day with her peers and that she should spend family time when she comes home, but I also want to make sure that I’m giving her enough time to nurture her existing friendships. We limit screen time in general but how do I know how much texting and face time to allow after school and on weekends? She’s getting all of her homework done so that’s not a factor. Thanks!
It sounds like you have some good instincts here, so go with them.
Good student? Check.
Limited tech? Check.
You are about family time? Check.
So…give her some wiggle room. You can sit down with her and discuss some perimeters, but if she’s a good kid and she wants to text her friends after school or meet up with them in your home, that’s okay!
Just keep paying attention and you will be okay.
Our 4 year old son has been having quick, angry bursts. He will yell, growl, hit, push, etc. They do not happen towards other kids, but with my husband and self. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and are very difficult to redirect. We have tried reading books about anger, ignoring, time outs, and giving him tight hugs until he calms. Any suggestions?
Sadly (for you) “quick angry outbursts” are usually pretty normal for a four year old who is adapting to his world.
I don’t know if he has sensory issues or anything else (always check with your dr.), but this frustration needs to room to leave his body…so try to find safe ways for him get rid of his frustration (kicking appropriate objects, etc.) and make it safe to do so. Use language that recognizes he is frustrated…
Unless YOU want to hurt him, don’t separate yourself from him in anger. He wants WANTS to feel understood by you, so keep your cool, don’t take it personally, and use what works! Tight hugs making him crazy? Stop that. Karate kicking works? Do that. Lecturing makes him growl? Stop that. Staying quiet and close by helps him calm sooner? Do that.
Good luck and stay loving.
I try to give punishments that fit the crime, but my two year old loves to tell me “no.” I used to wait her out, but she’s getting more brazen. She’s our fourth child and none of the others were so brazen. What consequence can I offer other than time out? I prefer to take what she wantsas a natural consequence, but that’s usually what I’m asking for! Or I’m asking her to do something.
Give ZERO time Z-E-R-O time to consequences here.
She is not old enough to handle them, they are another word for punishment, and well, they aren’t working. So, let’s go with commonsense on not repeating something.
This child is teaching you how to parent her, so listen up.
Listen to her no, accept that she has a strong “NO” in her, hug her, and proceed with what you have to do. She will TANTRUM. This is a sign of adaption, and this is what you WANT.
A two yo hears NO on the daily. Allow the boundary to be the teacher, don’t take it personally, and keep going with humor, compassion, and lots of cuddling.
We have a son, age 7, who is doing well in school and has good friends. We are trying hard to teach him various age-appropriate chores such as doing dishes — so he learns responsibility and because we are both working parents and need the help. We are also trying to teach him to manage his own homework and stay organized. I was in a big family where my mom did everything and I grew up not knowing how to do many domestic tasks, which I don’t want to happen to my son. I read about how it is important for parents not to do too much for their children, but at our son’s young age, I think that some training is needed. I am hoping you can give me a sense of what would be appropriate at age 7 — how much training, reminders, chores. How to get into a routine so I don’t need to be the nagger. And how do you handle meltdowns over chores? Sometimes our son will do the chores; other times he will completely melt down and it becomes one big power struggle. And sometimes he will do them half-heartedly, rinsing the dishes without using any soap. On the worst days, he will start yelling and accusing me of making him do all the work. (Not true–his chores are quite minimal.) On the very worst days, he’ll melt down into a tantrum, completely out of control until he breaks into tears. In general, he has a very intense personality, and I find it hard to cope with that intensity. I am trying to do the right thing, but boy, I sometimes feel tempted to do the chores myself rather than face the power struggle and meltdowns. Would you please advise?
For your reading pleasure: Meghan once did a column on teens and chores.
And I liked this piece a lot, called “The Kids Complained About Chores, So We Gave Them More.”
Meghan? Take it away.
Gosh, you sounds like a great parent. Seriously.
And you are over-thinking this, BIG TIME.
1) Get yourself outta there. Meaning: this isn’t about you. Stop taking your own stuff and making that part of this story.
2) Go small. Whenever we talk about ALL THE CHORES or ALL THE THINGS, we set ourselves up for a hotmess of disappointment and fighting.
3) Call a meeting with the kid. Say, “Hey, you are older and I know you can help more. Here’s a list of stuff…pick one.” If your relationship is strong, this may go over well. If your relationship is NOT strong, he will throw it back in your face and say NO. If he does the latter, that is not the time to throw down. That is time to say, “Okay, I need to work on the relationship with my kid.”
4) Relationship, then chores. Not the other way around. A supported loved kid will do the chores (PRETTY) naturally. A little nagging with always be there…
🙂
Your wonderful advice is often guided by the recommendation to be sure that we are asking things of our children that are age- and developmentally-appropriate. Can you recommend a good resource for what we should expect our children to be know and/or be capable of at different ages?
Ooooooh, GOOD QUESTION.
So….this is kinda tough, and let me explain why.
There is physical growth (how BIG and strong and physically capable a child is) and that CAN be a little tied to age. You can literally google that.
But in terms of MATURITY….welp. That’s a sticky wicket. Maturity is not as tied to age as everyone assumes.
When the conditions are right, a child grows to their fullest potential (whatever that potential is), and so parents are mandated to pay attention to the child they have in front of them, not necessarily an arbitrary standard set by the “norm.”
Parents of children with special needs know this the best.
If you have a child with moderate to severe autism, for example, you cannot say, “Well, he’s 8, he’s at the age of reason…he should be able to do some deep thinking and reflecting on other’s thoughts as well as his own.” (and this is not to say that autistic children cannot or do not do this, it just may not fit the norm).
Instead, a masterful parent who understands his child will know that he cannot PUSH development. It will come when the child feels both relaxed and challenged (whatever that means to that child).
So, read anything by Dr. Neufeld, Dr. Markham, Dr. Tsabary and work on knowing YOUR child.
If you have a middle of the road child, the Ages and Stages books can serve as a nice guideline!
So I have an MPH in Reproductive Health and have a pretty extensive knowledge of reproduction (academic and personal!). My children, 8 and 6, have both recently asked about how babies are made. With the 8 year old I described the biological process and covered the basics of actual sex. With the 6 year old I discussed biology but not sex. Now I’m wondering if I should have said a bit more. I guarantee the 6 year old will go to school talking about sex if I tell him, though! Help!
There’s nothing worse then having “extensive knowledge” about something. Trust me. If I parented HALF as well as I KNEW things, I would be a frickin’ rockstar.
I am kidding, but not really.
Don’t overthink this and forget your knowledge.
Answer the children’s questions completely and age-appropriately as they come. When they stop asking questions, stop giving answers.
Most importantly, let them know that you care and you are open. That you can handle it. That is more important than the facts.
Good luck.
Why so quick to dismiss the idea of using a swat to the rear as a punishment? If my son had told me “no” he would have got a swat to the behind and that would have been the end of it. Sorry, psychological warfare doesn’t work on all kids and this “helicopter” parenting you advise is turning children into blobs with no sense of identity
You call them “blobs,” I call them children who can expect to feel physically and emotionally safe with their parents.
Good luck to you.
What do you recommend for a college-age senior who’s inexplicably cut off contact with his parents and has a history of depression? We were all good when school started but now he’s not responding to phone calls and texts. We know he’s alive though he’s dropped two courses and we don’t want to make things worse by contacting his school or intervening when he would resent that.
Amy here: INTERVENE. THIS HAS RED FLAGS ALL OVER IT. Your child has a history of depression and is showing all the signs of a serious problem here. Call the school, go to the school. Don’t let this go to the point where you have regrets for the rest of your life. Meghan?
Whoa whoa whoa.
Okay, you know your child the best in the world.
How would intervening make this worse?
Seriously, do you have more information that can enlighten me, because a when the child cuts himself off, is dropping out of classes, and has a history of depression….this is ALL KIND OF RED FLAGS.
Intervene. Don’t go nuclear, but intervene.
My daughter received a very generous merit scholarship to attend a nearby out of state university. Of course, to renew the scholarship every year, she has to maintain a 3.0 grade point average. How do I let her become independent and “fail” when so much tuition money is on the line? I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but I also don’t want to pay an extra 30K per year because she wants to live the “whole college experience” being involved in so many activities that her studies are already suffering. Thanks.
hmmmm, this is interesting.
Welllllll…..errrrr, if she hasn’t ever failed anything in her life….ummmm, you may be taking on some 30K mistakes OR (better yet), having her attend a local (and they are EXCELLENT) community college.
The thing is, you cannot TEACH her to care about something she hasn’t experienced yet.
Meaning, we cannot lecture, guilt, or worry her into it. In fact, that may CAUSE the failure.
Since she at least 17 or 18, you have to sit down and lay this out for her. Get out the paperwork, get out calculators, the whole thing.
Have her walk through MANY scenarios.
What will she do if she loses her scholarship? Where else will she go? How can she “have fun” and keep her 3.0? What are the PLANS?
Strongly guide her here, but my heavens…don’t send her to school with nothing but a hope and prayer.
BRING HER INTO THE MONEY.
My 8yo (always firm in his own beliefs) as has added saying No! to things that normally he would just do. Takes off clothes: “put them in the laundry” “No!” “Come set the table (regular job)” “No!’ I tried tricking it into a choice – our hamper or yours, plates and cups or utensils, but no go. Any advice?
I love this kid.
Do you think he think he is going to fall for your tricks? HA!
No, this is normal. He is becoming a “big kid” and well, he is sick of being bossed around. No one likes to be bossed around….
So, find another way to get these chores done.
The kindest way is to look into the family meeting (look at my buddy Vicki Hoefle for more info on how to run these).
We are going for COOPERATION and COMPASSION, less COMMANDING and DEMANDING.
You asked why I said intervening might make things worse. I’m meaning that he’ll really cut us off altogether. Exactly a month ago, I asked his housemate to have him contact us, and he texted that he was fine, did not want me to come up, and that he needed “space.” So we are trying to respect that but he’s not coming forward and if we contact the school, there will be consequences for him that might make him really turn negative toward us, which he has not been to date. So what would you suggest as some intervention that wouldn’t be nuclear as you say?
Hmmm.
Do you suspect he is suicidal?
I may be submitting too late but am expecting my first child this winter. What is the one thing that you wish you knew before you became a parent?
That breastfeeding doesn’t mean instant weightloss.
Seriously.
At that anything you learn before you have the baby will be gone the minute they come out.
Let everything feel as easy as you can. Seriously.
And good luck.
Hi there! I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on our HS Dilemma. Our bright, funny ADHD challenged daughter is experiencing a very stressful transition to HS. Neighborhood HS is has over 2,000 students, is well regarded and rigorous. Daughter would like to attend a small private HS, where instruction is one-to-one. Downside is that private HS is owned by a cooperation. Academic rigor is not there. Private HS is fully accredited and would help alleviate anxiety and stress daughter is experiencing now. I say go for it– mental health important in developing brains. Husband favors public school vs. a ‘ corporate education’
Do what is best for your child and what you can afford.
If rigorous for him means mental breakdown for her, then he is putting his ego and needs above hers, which is not the job of the parent.
That being said, doesn’t the public HS have good supports for SN students.
But, I am in favor of smaller for her. She knows her mind…isn’t that a blessing? Can we trust her to know that?