Hi, Meghan, Our 10 month old has recently started playing favorites–he wants mama to take care of him all the time. If my spouse tries to pick him up or help, he pushes away and starts crying for me. What can we do to get things back to normal? He’s still nursing and he loves playing with dad, just refuses to let dad take care of him. Thanks!
This is so so normal.
Dr. Neufeld calls this the “polarity of attachment energy.”
Say what?
So, the younger the child, the more he swings from one attachment to another…meaning, it is hard for him to hold you BOTH close at the SAME time.
So, if he is only for Mom, then he DOES NOT WANT DAD.
And then when he is with DAD, he is fully with DAD…until MOM pops in. And then BOOM. SEE YA DAD.
None of this personal and a child WILL outgrow it.
So, when Dad takes care of him (and Dad should), the baby will cry. And that is okay. As long as DAd is loving and distracts and makes it fun…it will be okay.
🙂
We have 3 children: 20yo girl, 18yo boy, 15yo girl. We have a nice, but older, 4 bdrm home. The 4th bdrm is the size of some people’s closets these days. The youngest got that room, naturally. The 20yo is a 2nd yr college student, the boy is graduating high school this spring. The youngest wrote me this morning: “Can we talk about me taking <one of the other rooms> this summer? There’s no way they’re both out of the house and I still have the smallest room.” How do we make this transition or do we even try? The eldest bursts into tears every time it’s suggested that such a move might happen; she’s a homebody and still looks forward to coming home from college (3 hrs away) whenever she can. Our son is more relaxed, but I can tell he doesn’t necessarily like the idea that he hasn’t left the house yet, but is being booted out of his room. (And he’s super-tall, so making that small room his just sounds “not kind.”) Or should the youngest stay in that tiny room so she is eager to leave the nest someday vs. living the life of Riley? I think I am asking for language to use when making it clear that the youngest is going to begin bunking in the eldest’s room. And that it’s ok for youngest to personalize the space a bit. Thanks.
Okay.
I love how considerate you are of your children’s feelings…BUT.
This is YOUR home. YOURS. You, the adult.
I am not suggesting that you make unilateral decisions that give no consideration to anyone in the house, but we can find another way here.
You need to get in charge of this and decide what you really want to happen.
On the face of it, I think it is ridiculous that the 20 yo is crying about a room change, but I don’t know her. Maybe she REALLY does need that room. I don’t know. Would I gently push her to acclimate? Maybe. Maybe not. You know her best.
And I get the tall boy not wanting to move into a closet for a couple of months. He is on the brink of leaving…
SO: You need to sit down with your spouse (if that is the case) and make some decisions that are as considerate to EVERYONE as can be.
I would call a family meeting (via Skype or Google Chat) and begin the discussions.
It is definitely time for the 15 yo to occupy a larger space, if for no other reason than that she got shafted because she is the youngest.
Develop a timeline with these children.
Put a move date on the cal.
Maybe let the 20 yo cry?
Get some courage and make these decisions. It is your house. Your children don’t have to be “happy” about all of your decisions.
Good luck.
My 2.5 year old hurts herself when she has a major tantrum. At a minimum she slaps her own face. At worst she throws her head back into the wall or twice straight into the floor. She has split her lip twice that way. My husband and I stay close by when she’s having a tantrum and try to reflect her feelings back to her and tell her we love her. We try to intervene if we see her reaching her most destructive levels and will hold her hands and tell her we love her and won’t let her hurt herself. She’s generally a happy, engaging toddler and we know that tantrums are normal, we’re just finding this level of harm alarming.
Okay:
1) How often are the tantrums and
2) Always check with your pediatrician to be sure that she doesn’t have any allergies/food sensitivities/neurological issues
Otherwise, work on keeping her safe. Will she let you hold her, or does that accelerate the tantrum? If she allows it and it helps, hold her in a way that keeps her safe (and watch your face and nose in case she throws her head back).
You can also place her on a bed or couch, throw pillows around her…anything to keep her safe.
This will pass…just keep saying things like, “I see how FRUSTRATED you are…” Using the WORD will eventually seep down to her brain…
Good luck!
My very smart, energetic daughter is only 9, but acting like she is about 16, complete with eye-rolling, stomping around and slamming doors. She is extremely bright so naturally questions everything all the time, and tries to push boundaries when told no. While I understand that some of that goes with being inquisitive and precocious, it drives us crazy. I fear this is the beginning of a long hormonal nightmare to come. How can we encourage her to express herself in more respectful ways, and support her through her emotional ups and downs?
Hmmmm.
Yes, she could be getting some hormones flowing and yes, it is normal to begin to see some sassiness, but….it sounds like it needs to be reigned in.
When I say that, I don’t mean that you need to begin to punish. That is the quickest way to accelerate the eye-rolling.
I am thinking we need to find another way to collect her. Another way to be in relationship to her.
So, I have a couple of questions:
1) Are you still treating her like a young girl? Sometimes parents are not growing WITH the children and we are stifling their emergence, their independence, and their ability to do so many things!
2) Is she contributing in the house in a real way? I mean chores, etc. Allow her to choose, but definitely bring her in as a useful family member.
3) She needs some STRONG connection. We need to embrace her, not fear her. Find some shared interests and begin something fun together. Don’t push or cheerlead, just enjoy her.
4) Do not fall into the trap punishing the sassiness. Before you know, you WILL be battling and it will get ugly, fast. Keep reminding yourself that the sassiness is a sign that she needs CONNECTION, not judgment. This is HARD to remember in the moment.
5) Get your own support. From parenting classes to coaches, etc., these years can be tiring and discouraging. Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone to unload YOUR frustration!
6) Start reading Untangled. Excellent book!
No no no!! You would be tremendously unfair to your youngest. She has had years and years of getting the worst space, but now the oldest – who is gone! – wants to continue to keep it? No way. You give the biggest room to your youngest and let me modify it in ANY WAY she sees fit. Help your 20-year-old become an adult, for goodness sake!
I agree with you, but we really don’t know what the story is with the 20 yo. She could have some kind of anxiety disorder and REALLY not be able to handle this kind of change.
I have a hunch that the mom may get scared of the tears and then just backs off…if this is the case, then YES. It is time for the 20 yo to adapt and the mom step into the leadership role.
My 4.5 year old is freaking out about transitioning to kindergarten: acting out; saying things like mommy and daddy do not love me; mommy is going to throw me out with the garbage. My question: should we attempt a gradual transition over the summer to her new before/aftercare and/or summer kindergarten program or wait, and do the transitions all at once this fall?
Oh my heavens, GRADUAL.
GRADUAL.
GRADUAL.
Her little mind BADLY needs to attach to what and how this new place will smell, look like, feel like, sound like, etc. So, let’s help her brain and give her LOTS of time.
And while we are at it, make ROOM for all of the fear!
Say, “Of course you are nervous, it is new! It is okay to be scared, everyone gets scared. Mommy and Daddy are going to help you every step of the way.”
Go the library together, there are scores of books about kids beginning K and they ALL begin with a scared child. NORMALIZING.
And as SOON as you can get her to meet the adults she will be with…INTRO. This will help a great deal!
Good luck.
My 4 year old occasionally pees on the family room rug or the foam-tiled floor of the playroom, “Just because I wanted to.” He doesn’t have accidents so this is very intentional. Is this a classic cry for attention? He is a very stubborn child and consequences don’t seem to have any effect on his behavior. He is very impulsive in general. Any ideas on how to get him to stop this? The clean-up is very time consuming and the behavior very frustrating.
- Stop all consequences immediately. They are making the problem worse.
- Make it into a game: place little potties or pots around the room and say, I bet you cannot pee in these!
- Or say, “If you pee in all of these pots, it is lollipop time!” And even if he doesn’t do it, share a lollipop! Giggle.
- Up the loving attention you give him and do not say ONE MORE WORD about peeing.
Good luck!