Meghan Leahy, a parenting coach with Positively Parenting will join On Parenting editor Amy Joyce to talk about parenting children of all ages.
Amy Joyce:
We have a ton of questions, so I’ll be quick here. (Can’t say the same for Meghan, who wisely takes her time answering you. Be patient, she’s thinking hard over here.)
Here’s our ongoing On Parenting page if you want to see what we’ve been up to. Meghan wrote a good column today, answering a mom whose son misses his dad when he’s away. This lovely essay is about a mother finding her place again with a daughter who’s growing up.
And there’s always our Facebook page. I try to keep the conversation palatable, and it usually is. Join in!
Okay, onward dear parents…
I’m a single mom to a 22 month old. I work full time and my toddler is in a daycare/preschool. He’s a pretty happy guy most days and I get good reports from daycare about his interaction with others and how well he eats and sleeps etc. At home we have a routine and he seems happy but lately he’s been acting out. At meal time during the week or on weekends if he isn’t interested in what I give him he doesn’t just push it aside but picks it up and flings it as far as it can go. I used to take him out to eat once in a while but the last couple of times he’s gotten restless and plates ended up being broken. I know that he may not be hungry or like what I give him and I don’t force him to eat or drink but I’m tired of the extra laundry and cleaning food from odd places. On top of that he has started to bite me. He’s not biting at school but I’m concerned that if I don’t correct this behavior he will bite a teacher or another child. The biting is random, sometimes he comes up to hug me then bites down on my shoulder. Other time we will be playing and he will grab my hand or something and just bite. I’m exhausted from working and raising him on my own. I don’t have any nearby support and we just moved so I also don’t have any current social outlets. I know this has been an adjustment for him and I’ve tried to be patient and I know that yell, spanking, or time outs aren’t effective but I am reaching the point where the food throwing is driving me to tears and I’m afraid that the next time he bites me I will loose it and end up yelling or worse. What can I do to stop the biting and get him back in the habit of telling me he’s done or doesn’t want to eat rather than throwing food all over the place?
A: Meghan Leahy
Your life sounds very tiring right now, and you have my full empathy. Solo-parenting, working full time, new place to live, and parenting a VERY difficult age.
It ain’t easy friend.
Let’s begin by anticipating the biting. LEt’s just accept it is coming and this is tiring and annoying, but it is an explosion of frustration and that is that.
Will it get better? YES. But it takes some time, and the best predictor of it getting better sooner is how we handle it.
1) Make a list of when the bites are coming. This will help you see what is triggering him. Are you giving him too many choices? Making too many demands? Does he need more food? Is he so exhausted from daycare that he cannot see straight? Remember: this age of child has no way to “catch” his overwhelmed feelings. They literally just coming tumbling out.
2) Give him something to bite. A bite necklace, a pillow, anything. Give him something to hit. Just find appropriate ways to funnel the aggression.
3) Say things like, “I see you are frustrated, I know you are tired, It’s okay, Mommy is here. I can handle this. I have got you.” These words make children feel safe.
4) SELF CARE SELF CARE SELF CARE SELF CARE. This can look like the easiest dinners possible for when you come home from work (NO COOKING) to finding a mother’s helper on the weekends to joining a mom’s group (even if they are not the best) to anything that you really need. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t find the patience to take of yourself or your child.
Good luck
Oh, and I like these books.
🙂
Q: Daughter reluctant 12 year old
How do I encourage my twelve year old daughter to work hard and try new things? She has always been reserved and hesitant in new situations. She is branching out and trying a few new things but feels intimidated because she may be a less experienced player or too quiet. I feel like it’s a fine line between pushing too hard and not enough all while making sure she feels like she’s in control of the situation
A: Meghan Leahy
It IS a fine line. All of parenting is a dance, and there is no really knowing until you are in it.
Some days you will push too hard, some days you will back off too much.
Just stay alert to your child…
For instance, she IS branching out. AWESOME.
Normalize her intimidation…why wouldn’t she feel intimidated? I would, too. Tell her stories about times you were intimidated…let her know that these feelings are part of being a human, and even great athletes and stars and accomplished people are intimidated. (there are a million books about this…)
The best way to help her move through it is to be a listener, NOT a cheerleader.
Can you celebrate small successes? YES. Just be sure to also be proud of her for trying, for showing up, for finding courage.
Remember, this is no courage without fear.
🙂
Am seeking resources to help me navigate the following: My husband and I married 5 years ago, after a year and a half or so courtship. At the time we married, he was custodial to his son. Due to job transfers, it was decided that his son would live with his mom, so she had custody for the past 5 years. SS is now a year out of high school and living with us (oversees), so I am a custodial stepparent to a transitioning to adulthood 19 year old. What is clear to me, is that he is still quite ‘young’, despite the deep voice and voracious appetite. My husband and I have our hands full calibrating all sorts of issues. Our main pain point is the dichotomy of “I’m an adult now” juxtaposed against the reality that he is showing signs that living in the basement for a long time into his thirties sounds pretty good to him (he literally said ‘what’s wrong with that? to my husband!) – in other words, he is not displaying a huge amount of motivation to become an independent human, except with regards to being able to come and go at will and be taken care of simultaneously. Please help me help my husband – and help this burgeoning man child find his way. I’m really at a loss most of the time on how to help, and when not to help, and what all that should look like. Not too many online blogs I could find that address this stage and there is so much I don’t know – this is the first and only kid I have.
A: Meghan Leahy
Whoa! You are stepparenting a young man whom you really don’t know and have not lived with…ever.
And he is 19.
And you overseas.
Beyond the boundaries and moving out, I am going to advise YOUR HUSBAND to establish a loving relationship with his son, STAT. This will not be easy or quick, but don’t focus on getting him out (that feels crappy for anyone). Instead, make him feel WELCOME. Warmth, acceptance, happiness to have him.
As you are working on this relationship and you feel some trust developing, THEN you can have some meetings about duties, chores, money, and future plans.
Don’t awfulize his listlessness yet…just welcome him in and well, parent him for a while.
See what happens,,,
Q: How to tell step kids they’re getting a new sibling
My husband has three wonderful boys (15,13,9) from a previous marriage who I adore and strive to be a caring stepmother to. When my husband mentioned to them a couple years ago that we would be trying to add another child to our family the initial reaction was positive. However after the boys discussed the issue with their mom, the reactions of the boys took a negative turn with questions such as “why do you want to start a new family” and other similar comments. Fast forward…we are now expecting triplets and are unsure how and when to tell the boys and how to assure them that they are not being replaced. Any advice is welcome, Thanks!
A: Meghan Leahy
Congrats and holy smokes. Triplets. Everyone’s world is going to get ROCKED.
My first inclination is to do this a family therapy setting…
This will reduce stomping out, yelling, and egregious miscommunication.
Most importantly, a good therapist will allow the boys’ voices to be heard.
They are taking on their mom’s negativity and they may legitimately worried about what will happen to them when the babies come.
They need assurances of what will stay the same and they need preparation for what will change, and they need to be allowed to be pissed, worried, and angry.
Seek out some help on this, and of you really want to be boldly loving, invite the ex, too. This is a whole family change…
Good luck.
Q: accomodating an allergic child or not
There is a girl in my daughter’s class with a severe nut allergy. At the start of the school year when our kids were in kindergarten we were told that the classroom would be nut free. My family is vegetarian so this was inconvenient however its a matter of life and death and thus I have no problem with it. My daughter is now 10, it’s a small private school so they have been in the same class since then and it’s still nut free. I am 100% in support of this. My daughter will be ten in 2 weeks and she has requested for her birthday a cake I made a few years ago for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. Its a chocolate hazelnut cake with nutella cream cheese frosting. As per usual, I invited my daughter’s whole class as well as her soccer team. I always include all kids since its a small school. I sent an email to the parent’s of the girl with a nut allergy informing them that it would not be a nut free event. I said I could provide an alternate dessert but also I would understand if they choose not to come. I got a very hostile response in which the mother accused my family of being selfish. I don’t really now how to or if I should response. I think it would be highly selfish and irresponsible for me or any parent not to uphold the nut free classroom rules. However I think its perfectly acceptable to not extend that rule to my home and a private event I am having for my daughter’s birthday. I understand her daughter might feel left out however I am not sure her allergy and being left out should dictate this event. If I had the time to make two cakes and do a separate family party I would but I don’t. I have 3 kids a full time job. I can’t decide if I really am being insensitive or if this mom is being unrealistic. Are their limits to accommodating children with allergies?
A: Meghan Leahy
You have shown great sensitivity, reason, compassion, and concern here.
The problem lies with this other family now (poor girl), and your only responsibility to let them know that if they change their minds, she is still welcome.
Yikes.
Q: Good book on child development?
I am expecting my first child and will be 40 when the little one arrives. I have not spent a lot of time with children (mostly by design) and find that sometimes my expectations of how they should behave are unreasonable based on the child’s age. I don’t want to have these same unreasonable expectations with my child. Any books that you suggest I read? Something that could explain, for instance, how long I can expect a 2 year old to sit at a table would be most welcome.
A: Meghan Leahy
Louise Bates Ames has a nice series…
The basic What to Expect Series (while making me nutty somtimes) is thorough enough…
I also l like Bright From the Start from Stamm
And anything by Siegel, Markham, Galinsky….OH! And MacNamara’s new book is spectacular (Rest, Play, Grow).
Good luck!
In response to a TV episode where two male friends were assumed to be romantically involved, my 11 year old son mentioned very nonchalantly that he has a crush on a boy. This wasn’t a total surprise–my husband and I have wondered if he might be gay, and he did a presentation on gay rights last year for a school project. Since my son was so nonchalant about revealing this, I kept my response low-key too–asking the boys’ name and if it was someone from school. My son didn’t want to answer, which is the same way he acted one time about a year ago when he told us he had a crush on a girl. The whole exchange took about 30 seconds and was very friendly. So far my husband and I are viewing this as more exploration of his sexual identity which is currently trending towards a gay or bi identity, rather than as a definitive “coming out”. Since this was mentioned in such an off-handed way, and our family is very vocally pro-gay rights and we have talked about our position many times with our kids, I didn’t make a big deal of treating it as a big revelation or giving him a speech about how we love him gay or straight. Instead, that night, I gave him a big hug at bedtime and talked about how much we loved him and smoothed over what had been the biggest disagreement of the day–over getting him to eat his vegetables. Should I be making more of a big deal about this, or am I on the right track to be low key and see how this develops?
A: Meghan Leahy
Did you make him feel safe? Yes.
Did you push and push? No.
Is your family open to gay men and women, as well as bi? Yes.
Does he know this? Probably.
Will he still feel confused and scared? YES.
So, I think you are handling this BEAUTIFULLY…just be sure to reassure him that no matter what, struggles are NORMAL and you and Dad HAVE HIS BACK.
There are a lot of children who need a parent like you, pat yourself on the back. 🙂
— OCT 19, 2016 11:47 EDT
Q: School behavior
At our school, the little ones get a color denoting their behavior for the day (red, yellow, and green). My kindergarten has had a handful of days on yellow and red, and I’m wondering what we should do as parents. His teacher is great at writing the “why” of his non-green (being disruptive, not being nice to peers, etc.), so we’re able to talk with him about it. But beyond that, should we be doing anything? Rewarding green days? Punishing the non-green? Or just not worrying, because, hey, he’s five? FWIW, he acts about the same at home, so this behavior is not surprising. Thanks!
A: Amy Joyce
Hot topic these days. Here’s a piece about those pesky behavioral charts we ran recently.
A: Meghan Leahy
I HATE HATE AND HATE these charts.
Read the column Amy posted and then proceed to either talk to the teacher about this and/or COMPLETELY ignore it at home. I mean, listen to him and let the emotions come out…just don’t give it any life…make sense?
My god, he’s five. Disruptive? Nice to peers? My eyes just rolled out of my head.
I have a friend with a challenging 2-year-old — he apparently had a 90-minute inconsolable meltdown yesterday — and a partner who’s not that great at handling it. His response is to yell “cut it out” or “stop crying” at their son, which of course doesn’t work. My own 2-year-old and partner are pretty mellow in comparison, so I don’t feel like I have any good suggestions for her. Are there any books or online resources you would recommend?
A: Meghan Leahy
Siegel and Tina Bryson.
Markham
Otherwise, I am not saying this because it is my job, but they need MORE then books.
Books are great for info, but when it comes to parents CHANGING THEIR BEHAVIOR, this is harder.
Therapy, a good parent coach…this could help.
Q: Grandchild Drama with the In-laws
There are several grandchildren on my husband’s side of the family. They are each about two years (give or take) spaced apart. There is an unhealthy amount of competition, not by the children, but with the parents and grandparents. Who was breastfed, who wasn’t. Who drinks juice, who doesn’t. How tall is Jane? Jane and Sue both wear the same size that’s how tall Sue is for her age? Why Bobby is behaving today. I could go on and on but I will spare you. My husband and I have decided not to partake in this behavior but we can’t get away from it. We’ve tried addressing it, but my brother-in -law blames his parents. My parents-in-law make an attempt to stop but can’t for very long. I’m at my wits end over this. It’s not fair to the children and they are getting older and starting to notice. Any advice would be greatly appreciated?
A: Meghan Leahy
Oh dear. Family.
Keep saying things like, “THIS SOUNDS LIKE COMPARISON…” whenthey begin
Or I say to my own family, “I think all of them are great, knock it off.” Which is bot more the point and brusque.
Definitely state this to the children…TELL ALL the kids that this is comparison is bulldinky. You may be the only aunt or uncle with a spine to do so…and you know what? Kids remember that!
The family is in some deep and bad habits and you aren’t changing them, but you DEFINITELY don’t have to play along. AT ALL.
When in doubt, use humor! It really helps grease the wheels.
Good luck, you are going to need lots of luck and patience!
Find this over on The Washington Post