I am hoping you can help. I am at home with my almost 3 month old and feel confused on what we should be doing. I feel like I should always be interacting with him while he’s awake and am a terrible mother if I leave him on his play mat for awhile. But I honestly don’t know what to do, he seems happy for awhile on his own. Is it ok to let him be? Is there some way to judge how to balance his playing alone verus stimulation and interaction with me?
I love babies, because I feel the answers are far more obvious.
When he cries, fusses, or displays any crankiness, pick him up. Or have someone pick him up.
If he hanging out in his swing or bouncer and looking around peacefully, make yourself something to eat.
His needs and simple and clear, and trust me, you are ON CALL.
And that is the way it is going to be for quite a while…so get some support around you, try to relax, and enjoy this time.
🙂
My 2.25 year old has, for the past two months, not napped on the weekends. She hangs in there during the afternoons without major meltdowns and falls asleep immediately at bedtime. On Monday, she’s liable to nap for 3-4 hours instead of her usual 1.5-2. This seems to be a parent thing–she’ll go down for non-family baby sitters (we host a nanny share at our house) with no trouble.
She’s not unhappy in the crib–anything and everything becomes a toy and she happily plays until we get her out–but she still needs those hours of sleep. We’ve tried different approaches on different weekends, to no avail, from reminders every 10 minutes that it’s naptime not playtime, leaving her be for the entire “nap”, more intensive parent involvement to keep her at least laying down, repeating the naptime routine after dirty diapers or similar, stuffed animals in/out, and so on.
We’d love some additional suggestions for other approaches to try. She’s a generally happy, compliant kid and we don’t want naps to become a huge battle. Well, any more than they’re on their way to being.
I’m jumping in there before Meghan: Sounds like she is working her way out of naps. I missed those two hours of peace, as well, when our boys stopped napping. But if she’s able to stay in her room and play by herself, you are super lucky. Sometimes all they need is alone time. If she’s not having major meltdowns and she falls asleep at bedtime, it seems like her body is telling you something.
Meghan?
Why do my kids (ages 2 and 5) wake up promptly at 6am on weekends, but have to be dragged kicking and screaming from their beds at 6:45am on weekdays? With. Out. Fail. Ugh.
They have an internal instinct called. “Torture parents” that only applies to weekends.
I am kidding (but listen, it feels true, doesn’t it?)
🙂
How I can stick to my reasonable boundaries with my 6yo and almost 4yo girls without making them defiant? Im getting only “no, no, no mommy!” when I enforce rules and it ends in a standoff.
Great question.
When humans are bossed around (and the connection is not in right order), they respond with “NO.”
Try it with your spouse or friend. Seriously.
Children will not be directed well if they don’t feel connected first.
Dr. Neufeld calls this “connect before you direct.”
You must establish the context in which the child WANTS to listen to you.
How do you do that?
You must make the child feel welcome in your presence.
The child will cooperate when they are not feeling manipulated, coerced, or bossed.
One of the first things we all do as humans is collect someone’s eyes when we want to connect.
So, if we are giving “drive-by” commands (“Go get your shoes, make your breakfast, get dressed”) and you have not taken the time to make eye contact, SMILE, and speak kindly, the child will not feel that you are FOR them. They will fight you. Adults do this, too.
So, begin by assuming that your child WANTS to help, and find a way to do the EYES, SMILE, and a NOD!
I have a 19 month old son who has developed a terrible habit of biting his older siblings (4.5 yo and 3 yo). At first it seemed like it was because he could not communicate very well and wanted to get his way. His bites leave serious marks and bruises. Unfortunately, it has now morphed into his main way to resolve conflicts with his siblings and the other kids at daycare! We have tried scolding him and have tried to teach the other kids how to respond, but the biting persists. Do you have any good solutions or tactics to try to break him of this habit? Please help!
It sounds as if your 19 month old son has found his weapon of choice against two older children! Smart kid!
Children bite out of an explosion of frustration. Their brains are too immature to form the thoughts, speak the thoughts, and communicate in a way that others can understand them.
The parents job is to lessen the opportunities that he will bite, which requires taking responsibility for more of his interactions with his siblings.
When you hear things are getting testy or you know when the bite is coming, THAT is when you intervene. THAT is when you hand him something he CAN bite (there is, after all, nothing wrong with biting, per se. He just needs to not bite people).
The teacher can follow the same suit. She needs to more closely monitor his interaction with others to see what is triggering the frustration, and then find a way for him to let it out safely.
Scolding (which is shaming) ends up creating more frustration, which leads to more biting, so no more scolding.
Go ahead and use words like, “I see you look frustrated! I know you want that truck. I know brother won‘t let you play. I know it hurts feelings…” This will also help dissipate some of the frustration.
🙂
My 10-year-old son always has a comment or snappy response when asked or told to do something, and often sarcastic answers when simply asked a question. He is our oldest with 2 little sisters watching his every action. It’s getting old fast, with 3 kids and a husband that travels I don’t have time to mess around with his constant talking back (for lack of a better way to put it). How should I handle this?
Don’t take the bait here.
This sassiness may be hormone and age related, but your son probably also wants to be deeply known by you.
Ironically, communicating that you have all the time in the world to listen to him will help heal some of these interactions.
Our older kids can FEEL us not wanting to be with them unless they are good, and this wounds them. They feel pushed away and hurt, but it is too vulnerable to say to mom, “Please, don’t walk away even though I am being a jerk. Please stay with me, I cannot help this.”
So, you are going to take responsibility for this relationship and go right over the sassiness. Smile, hug him, tell him he is growing up and you love him. Let him know what a great big brother is and pay attention to him…and NOT just when he is good or when you want something from him. Create situations where he must depend on you (this will relax him), and strongly take care of him.
This is not always easy (especially when sarcasm can piss up off so easily), but it works.
Hi Ladies, Thank you for taking questions. I have a question about how to handle my 4 yo daughter who will not take any instruction from me. For example, she takes a swimming lesson once a week. When I tried to go over the stroke with her at home, she absolutely refused to take any kind of instruction from me. She keeps telling me that I dont know what to do and the way she does it is absolutely right!! That is just one example. Its the same deal when I’m trying to get her to practice her alphabet, or sing, or whatever. I’ve tried not “teaching” but telling her that I’m practicing too, but no dice. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Easy! Leave her alone! Ha!
Actually, I kind of mean it.
You are well-intentioned and clearly love your child, but my heavens, this child must feel harassed.
Why does she feel harassed and why is she pushing you away?
Because 4 year old’s are experiential learners and they need FREQUENT breaks for the brain.
You pushing the practicing is pushing her brain into overload.
She cannot take all of this on, she is too young.
The way she is doing it is ABSOLUTELY right.
She must make mistakes and get creative and be silly and wrestle around her young brain, and REST, REST, REST…that is how she learns.
So, now you must rest. Just enjoy her. Seriously.
At what age do we start teach kids to channel their frustrations differently – after all, biting things isn’t acceptable adult behavior! Is it when they have better words than the 19 month old in the question? How do know when to start this process?
When the child is ready to stop biting things is when the process spontaneously begins. You cannot begin it.
When he feels safe to bite an object and safe with his caregivers and parents, his frustration will lower and the biting will slow down.
As his brain matures and his language improves and his ability to not react matures, the biting will go away, all by itself.
You don’t teach a child not to bite.
You relax the child so that the biting goes away on it’s own through natural maturation process.
Obviously, people must be kept safe and we cannot allow to sit there and chomp on people, so this is where the adults must come into play.
My 7yo will NOT wash his hands. Not after using the bathroom, not after playing outside, just not voluntarily. He will fake it by running the water and “drying” his hands on the towel. He’s had a stomach bug we linked to poor hygiene but it didn’t make an impression. Our family is exposed to his potty germs and he’s exposed to all the viruses from school. What to do?
Ah, yes. Children are not too worried about germs. And thank God for that.
As much empathy as I have for this (and I do because my own children are gross, too), there is little we can do beyond making the handwashing easy and automatic.
And a little bit of nagging. Yes, a little bit.
Meaning, you are going to say, “wash your hands” 5 billion times in your parenting life.
I also use organic hand spray and gel…anything.
And I also let it slide. Because often, the fight you will have about clean hands is not worth it.
If you have someone in the house with a compromised immune system, this changes, right?
But otherwise, embrace the gross and some smiling reminders…over and over and over and over….
My almost 5 yr old has the tendacy to want things perfect… it can be anything ranging from a simple drawing, or practicing his letters (he gets easily frustrated and keeps erasing and starting over until he gets too upset to continue). Sometimes he’ll get upset on how things might be arranged on his dinner plate. We have tried to reiterate it doesn’t need to be perfect and it’s about giving it a try/ things take practice and we are supportive, but it’s not really had an affect and it comes out more. Any advice on how to help him when he gets frustrated over this idea of things needing to be perfect? I will note me nor my husband are perfectionist, so we’re not really sure where he picked it up from.
Hmmm, well, firstly, as with all things, check with your pediatrician!
Something about his little mind, his little sensitive system is compelling him to revisit and revisit again these tasks.
As you get down to his level, get his eyes, smile and a nod, you are going to indicate that it is time to stop _________.
He is going to cry, because in his mind, the work is not “just right.” He will feel panicked.
You cannot convince him otherwise, so don’t try.
Instead, we want to support his feelings, “It IS hard to feel like your letters aren’t just right…” “It is frustrating when your drawing isn’t just so…” “It is tough when the dinner plate is not just right…” Allow the feelings to keep coming out….allow as much crying and time as it needs. And for a sensitive child, this will come and go, come and go…for many of us, it comes and goes for our entire lives!
So, be the strong parent who can handle these feelings for your child. As he feels safe and welcome in your presence, he will become more and more comfortable with the feelings of perfectionism NOT working. It is become okay-er. Perfect? No…but okay-er is really good.
🙂
How do you suggest I handle a 3 year old boy calling everything and everyone a “penis” “stupid” “poopie head”? We have tried saying in our family we don’t say those hurtful words to now trying hard to ignore it. But in public we feel the need to address it. Especially when calling the doctor a penishead! Help!!!
Ahhh, this made me laugh out loud.
Calling the doctor a penishead…brilliant.
I know this is challenging now, but please, try to believe when I say that this will be an amazing story in 20 years, if not one year.
Try to step over this behavior, meaning: Lecturing, your wisdom, your explanations of hurting feelings….none of that registers with him. His brain cannot understand how someone else feels…so you are essentially the Peanut’s teacher, “wah wah wah wah.”
Take the power out of these words and when he calls you a poopie head, lean over and kiss him. Or hug him. Or just remain passive and do whatever you are doing. Don’t give him your “crazy eyes,” don’t lecture, don’t punish.
You are the parent, you have the choice to not react to this developmentally normal pushing of boundaries.
In essence, don’t worry about.
Remember, whatever you pay attention to, grows.
Just got back from another excruciating school program where my daughter, almost 5, seemed to be on the verge of tears/throwing up the whole time due to her extreme shyness. She’s v. smart, funny, incredibly animated at home and with family and friends but so impossibly, incredibly shy at school. Our policy, so far, has been to encourage her to open up at school and celebrate when she does; initiate 1-on-1 contact with friends and teachers in a more comfortable setting; and never use the ‘s–‘ word around her or as an excuse for her sometimes-awkward behavior in public. But, oh geez. Short of skipping every school program from now until college — any advice??
Awww, my heart goes out to her. AND I know that this can be challenging to parent, esp. if you are an extrovert.
“Our policy, so far, has been to encourage her to open up at school and celebrate when she does; initiate 1-on-1 contact with friends and teachers in a more comfortable setting; and never use the ‘s–‘ word around her or as an excuse for her sometimes-awkward behavior in public.”
Let’s stop the pushing and start protecting. She is truly panicking and does not feel safe, and continuing to push push push her is making it worse. She is too little to reason with herself.
I would align her with a teacher she loves and have that teacher hold her hand, be by her side, make her feel safe during school programs. I would absolutely NOT force her to do anything. I would allow her to relax and then see what happens.
America like the kids who get up and whistle dixie in front of crowds, shake hands, and speak like little adults…but this is not your daughter right now. Accept her, allow her to have her big feelings, listen with a soft heart, and connect her to a teacher who will not push.