Often, but not always, my 4-year-old will refuse to clean up after herself. I’m not asking her to clean her room or the whole house, I’m just asking her to do reasonable things like pick up a few pieces of food from the floor or clean up a puzzle or markers. These are all messes she’s made. I ask, she says no, and then we are in a stand off. I know I don’t have to attend every argument to which I am invited, but it doesn’t take long before I lose my temper in situations like this. Her refusals happen even on days when we are well connected and on which I’ve spent good, engaged time with her. Sometimes she will say she’ll do it if I help her, but I don’t feel like this is something we should be negotiating about. It’s a simple request that she clean a mess she made herself. Any advice?
Okay….
This is a GREAT question.
The thing is, 4 yo’s are notoriously…ummmm, how shall I put this? GOOD AT SAYING NO.
These no’s begin anywhere from 2.5 to 5, but they are real.
There is this instinct (in all humans) do not do what is asked when you feel bossed around or coerced. It is GOOD and developmentally normal.
BUT.
You are also being asked (by nature) to step into your role as a LEADER. Meaning, you are going to have to create some routines and boundaries to let your child know that she is not in charge of the dynamic, you are.
First things first.
4 year olds like things to be FUN and they like to do them with YOU.
So, let’s make cleaning into a game, into a race, into a colors thing, into a timed thing….whatever works.
In my house, I like to say, “clean up as much as you can in 1o minutes!” And then I put on their favorite music and GO.
Another thing to consider is to stop expecting that you ask and then it will immediately happen (that is when the counterwill begins).
I will often start a morning with “Hey guys, the basement is going to get picked up today. We can do it after breakfast or before dinner…which is it?”
I go for consequences LAST.
If, after all good attempts, nothing is getting done, the toys will be taken away, tech might go away, whatever needs to happen.
Screaming will ensue. Tantrums.
But I don’t saw one more word until my request is fulfilled.
Good luck.
My 9-year-old son pulled this gem out this morning. “I’m not going to and you can’t make me!” He’s right. I can’t physically hold him down and wrestle the school uniform onto him, nor would I want to. But, what to say? It basically degenerated into “You are going to do it because I am the parent and I make the rules around here and I say you’re doing it!” Which is not really a helpful tone for any of us. I hate feeling like he has me over a barrel at times like this and I have no idea what to say to him. I do not attempt to control what he wears outside of school (beyond weather appropriateness), nor what he eats (and he’s VERY picky), etc. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the “You can’t make me!” iceberg, so…a little help? Thank you.
Ah….
“you cannot make me.”
Tough, right? Especially when they are RIGHT! Grrrr.
These are my cues to agree with child “Yes, I cannot make you.” And then BE QUIET.
You are deep in the storm of the power struggle at this point and anything you do and say FROM ANGER with only make him dig in more.
Simply put, you gotta ride these moments out.
As you practice being calm, what is he really trying to tell you? What is weighing on him that he doesn’t want to go? Is he worried about something? Have you not connected with him? He is TELLING you something…find out what it is. This means asking thoughtful questions and listening.
Meghan, Do you have any rules of thumb to share about evaluating if your child is ready for kindergarten? In our particular case, we have a son with a birthdate close to the school district’s deadline. We believed he was ready but his preschool has suggested we keep him back because he is emotional and comes across as insecure in the classroom. Since I was emotional and insecure for about my whole life up to this point, my gut tells me that this is just who he is and another year won’t make a big difference, but perhaps I should trust his teachers. They do have much more experience than I do.
urg.
This is so hard.
Okay, you know what your gut is saying and you know how he is learning.
Is he on track with his peers?
Is he bored?
Is he big for his age? Little?
Go visit the K class of the school he will be going to and watch. Do you see him there? No?
I cannot answer this for you, and your answer will not be clear (which is hard).
But look at the facts, listen to you heart, really look at your son and decide.
You care, you will pay attention, he will be okay either way.
After many years of trying and multiple miscarriages my wife and I have determined that it is time to stop trying for a second child. We are far luckier than most as we have the gift of an amazing 8 year old after years of trying for him. We are more sad for our son because we can tell that while we have an amazing 3 he aches for a little brother or sister and he would be such a great big brother. Is this the kind of subject you could share with your child, that we to wanted to have another child but that it didn’t work out and if anything it proves what a gift he is to our lives and that we were meant to love him with our whole hearts. Or is this better left until he is much older?
First of all, let me take a moment and tell you how sorry I am for your multiple losses.
Each one was a hope, and each one a cruel disappointment and sorrow.
I am sorry….
This is my clear and strict advice for you:
You and your wife need to find your grief groups, your online chat groups, your therapy (separate or apart) and FULLY GRIEVE the losses, as well as the disappointment of letting go of the hope of trying more.
While you will always carry this, we cannot project these deep feelings on to the 8 year old.
What you wrote to me is beautiful, but too deep (emotionally) for a young child to shoulder.
While I imagine he would love a sibling, you are imagining his feelings to be deeper than they are… (I am guessing).
As you embrace your family of three, there are SO MANY WAYS for him to be a caretaker. (Dog? Volunteerism? Church life? Community life?)
Open your heart and mind to seeing all of the gifts he can offer younger children and make it a family priority…
Good luck.
My recent ex has lacked consistency with our children from day one. Since the separation and divorce, the lack of consistency in the other home is running over into my house. The children are out of control when they come home to me, which leads to time outs, corrections, and yelling all weekend; and ruins our time together. Parenting half time is hard enough, add in bad behavior and it’s a recipe for disaster.
This stinks. I am sorry.
And you are NOT alone here.
So many co-parents complain of this..it is hard to be the parent who plays the heavy….
Here is a little encouragement:
While I know you are tired and annoyed, your routine, structure, and traditions are going to be life-saving for your children (and I am using LIFE SAVING on purpose here.)
As your children get older and push against you, YOU will be teaching them what boundaries feel like. This will create safety and relaxation in them. This is EVERYTHING.
So, you need some SELF CARE. When those kids are out of your sight, you need to do whatever is needed to keep your reserves up. Start with the basics: friends, family, sleep, laughter, and good food. Move up the self care ladder: exercise, yoga, meditation. Up another rung: therapy, single-parent groups, coaching, etc.
You can do this. I believe in you.
my oldest daughter is 6, youngest daughter is 4 and the oldest is constantly comparing what each gets/does and judging if it’s fair in her eyes. She frequently worries that her sister gets more of x or doesn’t have to do y. Suggestions on how to handle this dynamic in our family.
Comparison is tough, b/c it keeps dragging you into a “no, your sister has 6 and you have 6….” type of garbage.
We gotta see through this.
I am always going to recommend this:
You need to get some STRONG one on one with the insecure child. Fill up her connection cup and do some strong listening.
In the actual comparison moment, try to stay out of it.
So, “Mom, Rachel has 6 and I have 5…”
You say, “Oh?” or “Hmmmm.” or some head nodding.
See what happens when you don’t take the bait….
I will be having my first child in a few months. Do you have any recommended books to read before the child’s arrival on parenting?
Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller
Otherwise, read nothing.
You are better off getting your support systems in place.
Gonna breastfeed? Find the people in the area who specialize and can help. The Breastfeeding Center on K St. saved my life.
Need some momma friends? Find moms groups and get togethers.
Need exercise (YES, FOR YOUR HEAD AND HORMONES, Not YOUR BODY): Find the gym, yoga place, etc. with childcare. (lil omm is amazing, as well as Stroller Strides).
Need a vacation? Traveling with a baby is actually NOT awful. Go ahead and start looking into baby-friendly vacations with your spouse or partner.
Need food? Go ahead and allow friends and family to help you. Don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be afraid to have them deliver meals. People LOVE to help and they WANT to hold that baby. Let people in.
Books cannot really help you with much of any of that.
You will know what to do when you need to do it. And when you don’t, you will learn.
Best of luck…
This is an embarrassing question to submit, but here goes: My 21 month old seems to preferentially play with her lighter skinned dolls and Little People. We’ve tried to get a diverse group of toys representing many skin tones and showing men and women doing a variety of jobs. But, the darker skinned Little People don’t ride in the plane or on the bus (even Tiana, the African American Disney Pricess can’t ride in the carriage with Cinderella and Belle). If we play with her and try to add a darker skinned Little Person to a toy, she says “no!” and takes them out and replaces them. Is this a phase? Is there anything else we can do or should do?
Welll, er, no.
There are many studies done on this and they are easy to find, but two year old’s are primarily concerned with being “similar” to others.
And so, it is normal for them to self-select and stick with those that are obviously like them.
All humans do this.
It was a very old way of keeping us safe by keeping us with our humans…
Children are doing this on a completely superficial level, which is to say, she has NO knowledge of the cultural ramifications of different color skins in this country or this world.
So, don’t take it personally.
Your daughter is NOT a racist.
BUT, it is our job, as parents, to keep introducing our children to people, culture, and experiences that both relax her and show her something new.
We all like to be with those to whom we feel like, this is human. AND it is good and powerful to step out and learn and experience and be with others.
This can cut down gender, sexuality, race, culture, religion, regions…you name it.
Keep doing what you are doing…
🙂
My kids are 2.5 and a baby. Obviously the baby doesn’t/shouldn’t get tv time. Husband thinks tv is totally fine and is willing to let the 2.5 year old watch substantially more that I am comfortable with, but marriage is about compromise, so I give in more often than not. I’d love to know your thoughts, though, on time limits on tv watching. Thanks!
The less TV, the better.
That’s the quick and unhelpful answer everyone gives parents.
It is unhelpful b/c parents don’t know what that means.
Here’s the thing: Kids (young young) don’t need TV or tech at all to play or grow.
Will it hurt them? At the most extreme level, yes.
Otherwise, no, TV won’t REALLY hurt them.
I would, instead, find other things to do with the whole family that ALSO make your husband happy. I know this can be tricky, but it is worth it.
And if you have spent all day together, and everyone is tired, a Sesame Street is FINE.
Keep finding the balance….you will get there.
Each family has their OWN balance….
I have a nine year old that when asked to do something he doesn’t like (clean up, do reading etc.) will answer back to everything I say… he will not stop until I lose my temper and if I refuse to answer he just keeps repeating the questions over and over. The other night it took fifty minutes of this to get him to do fifteen minutes reading – he’s driving me insane! Now I know you will say, ‘don’t get involved’ but how is this possible when he just won’t stop?
Hmmm:
Is this only with you?
Is this every night?
Are you having any fun together? Light-heartedness?
When is he compliant?
Is your tone bossy and mean?
Have you taken the time to “chill out” with him before the demands begin?
Why are you staying and fighting with him? (seriously, ask yourself this….it will reveal some interesting answers.)
Are you treating him like he is younger than he is?
Can you trust him? Should you try?
Does he think you trust him?
Start with these questions and see where they take you.
I’m an only, and my parents wanted two kids. However, they got married late and frankly, were lucky to just have me. They just told me that they were too old to have two, and that was something I could understand. I never stopped wanting a sibling, but I knew I’d never get one. We got cats instead, and they were amazing. 🙂
The reason I love this response is because you mention that you never stopped wanting one.
Much of life is simply living with its disappointments….all the things we cannot change.
And having a great life living with that disappointment.
Thanks.
🙂
Tea just came out of my nose, so, thanks for that.
I had the same reaction. (Our dear Meghan here is working hard in real time and might be slightly mortified by that typo.)
LOL. 🙂
Oh boy.
Well, I hope you liked your tea neti-pot action.
Oof.
Thanks for your patience….
See this over at The Washington Post.