Common Questions…Tough Answers

Upon learning what I do for a living, adults of all stripes tend to ask me two main questions.

The first question is asked, well, pretty much all of the time.

“What is wrong with kids these days?”

Huh.  I always feel pretty awkward here, because I believe (really, I do), that nothing much is wrong with kids these days.  I think babies are amazing, little kids are hilarious and curious, older kids are skilled and bright, and teens are not going to hell-in-a-hand-basket.  I guess as a professional, I should have a more “doomsday” state-of-mind about children, and I suppose I could easily find studies that support that many things are “wrong with kids” these days, but…nope.  I really like kids and I think that, with only a couple of exceptions, they walk the Earth much like kids have walked the Earth for hundreds and hundreds of years.

When parents say this to me (“What is wrong with kids these days?”), it is a flag to me that screams:

Why can’t I control my kids?

(Trust me, I know.  I used to fly that flag high and strong, day in and day out.  I think I created that flag).

I say, let’s abandon the perception of control over others and grow confidence in role-modeling, as well as trusting that your children can do the right thing.  Alyson Schafer (and I quote her loosely here) says that parents think that children, if left unchecked and uncontrolled, will be bad and do the wrong thing, when in actuality, children are inherently good, interested in justice, and want do the right thing.  There is recent brain research that shows that young babies can recognize just and good acts, and prefer them!  Of course, kids can be tempted by their environments and quickly growing brains to try the wrong thing, but this does not make them “bad” or “wrong.”  It makes them human.  And being controlling, so far, has not shown to be a useful way to get anyone to be “good.”  Just sayin’.

The second question I hear over and over is:

“What is wrong with parents these days?”

Ha!  Well, this seems to be easier, doesn’t it?  What is right with parents these days?

Well, to hear the media tell us, we work too much, have too little balance, are overweight, over-medicated, and, at least for women, the most depressed and anxious we have ever been!  Parents helicopter, over-attach then detach, send their kids to too many activities, tune out, drink too much wine, gossip, worry about normal developmental milestones, have crappy and sexless marriages, eat out too much, aren’t emotionally available, are too invested in academics, work too much out of the home, are home too much, aren’t involved in politics enough, compare their kids and their own parenting skills to others and too often, and are generally unhappy.  Oh, and don’t forget the guilt.  We are guilty about every decision we make.

What a horrible life, right?  It’s a wonder we had these wretched kids!

The general message to parents is:  You are royally fucking up this parenting gig. 

Personally, just like I think your kids are doing okay, I think you are doing just fine, too.  Sure, you have your hard days and yes, parenting is tough, but I don’t think you are as screwed up as you tell yourself you are!

Yes, you are extremely important in your child’s life.  No doubt.  So, when clients say to me, “What is wrong with parents these days?” I hear:

“Why don’t parents have better control of their kids?  WE ARE RAISING A NATION OF BRATS! Man-up, people!”

What is most interesting to me (as a parent coach), in regards to these two questions (what is wrong with kids and parents?) is the connective idea of control!

Controlling our kids, controlling our environments, controlling others, and controlling outcomes.  Control.  Control.  Control.

 

And where is this compulsive need for control born?  Fear.

Fear of not being enough and doing enough.  Fear of falling short.  Fear that the world will see you for who you think you are: a scared loser.  Fear of being vulnerable to life’s great mysteries.  Fear of not being up to the task.

So, if you find yourself asking, “what is wrong with parents and kids these days?” I want you to go to the mirror and ask yourself a couple of questions:

 

“What am I afraid of?”

“What would people know if they really knew me?”

“What scares me about parenthood?”

“What would I be doing if I weren’t trying to control others?”

These questions are the ones I am interested in asking and answering.

Because, you see, I don’t think anything is really “wrong” with anybody today.

Let’s simply stop pretending we are in control of everything…and strangely, things have a way of falling into their natural order.

Try it.  What do you have to lose?