When your child is hitting, ask yourself some of these questions:
1) How old is my child? A two year old can hit A LOT. It’s pretty normal. In fact, it is the most violent and aggressive time in a human’s life! Read this for more info!
An eight year old, typically, hits far less. You have two totally different ways of handling different ages. (Will get to this more. The point is: age and developmental stage matter.)
2). What is the frustration causing the hitting? Is it that the language is not there and the frustration erupts as a hit? Has the child been trying to make her point, and no one is listening? Has he been interrupted? Told to hush? Told to suck it up?
3). How can I help the child adapt to this frustration? This means that there is often nothing any of us can do about life’s frustrations, but that doesn’t mean we cannot remain emotionally open and kind to our child. The child will have tears and you can allow it. Those tears are a sign of their expectations meeting with the reality of the world. There is not one more cookie. It is time for bed. The i-device is going away. UGH! This SUCKS. And then, after some tears…I feel better.
This is human. We all do it. At least, we should be doing it.
If a child has violent outbursts, often, this child needs the LEAST frustration in his life. Why?
This is like, let’s say, someone is starving. Literally starving to death. You cannot give the body a Big Mac and a piece of pie (more than it needs). You ease the body into calories and nutrients, until the body can handle many foods.
Children who are easily frustrated and aggressive do not need MORE problems. They need to be eased into frustration, so keep it light. As the child becomes more experienced at adapting to frustration, he can handle more and more!
Regular frustrations? How can the family get through it? For instance, my three year old hits me, and then throws herself on the ground during dinner. Well, this is not totally unusual. We give her some love, give her some time, and welcome her back to the table when she comes back.
When my ten year old hits and yells, this signals me that something is wrong. Hunger? Fatigue? School? Friend stuff? Homework? Worries? I give her space and stay close, don’t take it personally, ask open-ended questions…wait for her to open up. Sometimes it is a problem, sometimes it is hormonal. It is my job to be steady and non-punitive, in both cases. This requires patience, self-care, a solid partnership, and good friends.
Great ideas as always!!!
We struggle with this everyday. My eight-year old, not so much. It gets really tough with my five-year old b/g twins and their two-year old brother. We talk about and try to practice kindness, using words and adult intervention, however the littles hit and yell multiple times per day. When we reflect on these behaviors, they can articulate what they could have/should have done, but can’t seem to refrain from the hitting and or yelling in the moment. Makes me feel like I am failing as a parent. I thought our family would be much more peaceful than it is.
Thank you for that perspective. I think I spend so much time focused on MY frustration that I don’t consider that they could be frustrated too.
Great and timely post for me. I have an 7 year old and 10 year old and there are still times of hitting, kicking and crying. Sibling frustrations seems to be a big trigger for hitting and kicking. Disappointments can lead to crying. I want to get to the root of the behavior … Thanks for the reminder that I am on the right path.
This explains a lot. I will also be forwarding this to my husband who says “suck it up” quite a bit. Our 5 year old doesn’t hit so much, but is easily frustrated and yells. Sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Thanks for your blog, Meghan! I am having some issues with an easily frustrated 5-year old boy, and I’d love the insights of your online course :). He’s harder now than he was at 2-3 🙁
It really is such a relief to know that these outbursts are normal. The violent stuff seems to come out of nowhere sometimes, and leaves me wondering, “where did they LEARN this?” Perhaps the hitting and throwing is just animal instinct?
This is very helpful. It’s always reassuring to know what’s developmentally normal; and it helps to keep us from overreacting to behaviors. My daughter hit a lot when her younger brother was a baby (she was two); usually she hit me, sometimes him. It almost always seemed to be a cry for personal attention from me. I was sleep deprived and didn’t always feel able to give her all the one-on-one time she craved (it felt like I gave all I could and it was never enough). I sometimes had to take a time out for myself when she hit because I would feel so angry. This was not helpful to her — she wanted more of me and I was walking away from her — but we did get through it and I take every chance I can now to fill her cup.
I have always felt that there is another way besides the black and white/right and wrong structure we have for so long pushed on our children. When we are tired it is easy to just start saying “no” and preaching what is “wrong.” This post is the best example that every action of our children has a deeper meaning. Hitting is something that seems so extreme, yet it is just another tool that children might use to tell us something that they cannot communicate properly. Thank you for explaining that it may be normal behavior at this age — but that doesn’t mean we just say “it is what it is” or ignore it through punishment, we figure out what our child might need.
My almost 13 year old never hit but now my almost 5 year old does regularly. She definitely needs love during these situations!
Thank you for providing inspiration to such gentle parenting. I really need it!!
thank you for the guidance/support!
Hmmm, not going to lie about getting it perfect – but I have a zero hit tolerance in my home, it’s the one time I’ll physically seperate kids, other then that I won’t touch a screamer because I find it elevates the situation into physical aggression, or incentivizes yelling/hitting with physical reassurance…I’ll offer a hug and physical reassurance but I let them choose/come to me to get it.
Side effect: when I’m at level 1,000 frustrated stressed out and tired and done with the bad behavior, I don’t accidentally use more force then is appropriate. I know no one wants to admit that happens, but it can, and does, and just habitually not even opening the door to that possibility helps me stay calmer in practice and as an example to them.