Anxiety, Parenting, and the Heart

So, your child has a normal worry: the dark, trying something new, typhoons, strangers coming into the house, parents dying, etc.

The child expresses the worry, and then the parent gets busy explaining explaining explaining why that should not be a worry.

The child’s brain cannot comprehend your perspective, but the child DOES understand that you are REALLY paying attention to him or her. The child’s brain (the prefrontal cortex) is making gang-buster maps that say, “WHOA. MOM IS FREAKING OUT. She is REALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS.”

Hence, when little Jimmy wants MORE of your attention he is again, scared of the dark, scared of the stranger, etc.

You keep explaining, even start getting angry, trying to fix the problem, etc.

He keeps getting more scared. You get more frustrated, he gets more scared.

And poof. We have an anxiety problem.

But do we?

No.

The child’s brain is asking the parent (with the fears):

“I am learning the world is big and scary.

Am I SAFE?

AM I YOURS?

WILL YOU ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF ME? NO MATTER WHAT?”

So, you say:

“I know it is dark.

Yes, it can be scary. Let’s find a special flashlight for you.

I will always take of you, in the light and the dark.

I will always be here.

I am in charge.

I love you.”

Could everything end tomorrow? Sure. Who knows. A plane could land on your house.

But love is ENERGY, and energy doesn’t die. Love never dies.

You are sending a message from your heart to your child’s heart,

“NO MATTER WHAT, YOU ARE MINE. I LOVE YOU FOREVER.”

If your eyes tear up to read this, this means that your brain and heart have integrated this information as true.

It is what is meant when people FEEL something in their hearts. Their guts. The TRUTH.