Q: My 7-year-old is a big-time negotiator on just about everything: how many treats, how long for screen time, punishments, how long he has to clean. Literally anything we want to do he comes back with some way to try to negotiate a better deal for himself. It is exhausting. Advice?
A: Children negotiating with their parents is one of the main parenting problems I run across in my coaching practice. You set what you view as a reasonable boundary, and rather than throwing a fit or ignoring you, the child begins to reason with you like a well-seasoned litigator. “Remember when I got less TV than Billy two Sundays ago? I want to add that time now. And Mom, you don’t want to be unfair, do you? Fairness is important. We talk about it in school, and I know that you want to be fair. . . .” You give in, and now you are also confused about the conception of fairness.
Or your children will wear you down with repetition.
“You can eat two more cookies.”
“Mom, I can have three.”
“No. Two.”
“Three.”
“No. Two.”
“Three.”
This goes on for at least seven minutes. You deeply sigh, “fine, three.” Because, you think, “What’s the difference between two and three cookies, anyway? I just need to move this day along.”
Or you may have a child who haggles. This is the child who, when asked to please put down the toy and come to dinner, states, “I will come to dinner if I can play with this toy after dinner for 10 extra minutes.” You agree to this because you just want everyone to eat dinner while it’s hot, and even though he will haggle for even more time than he originally stated, you are just trying to move the night along. You will fight that battle later.
So, yes. Negotiating is real, and it’s a major problem in many families.
One of the issues is that you are operating as if there were only two ways to parent: allowing the children to wear you down or being the mean, bossy parent who says “no” all of the time.
There is a middle way.
Let’s begin by acknowledging where the responsibility for this annoying habit lies: firmly with you, the parent.
A child will only negotiate with you when he or she feels that there is a chance that you will be worn down.
You are the one allowing the boundary to slip away, and the child grows more powerful with each broken boundary.
And rather than satisfying the child’s needs, you are making him or her increasingly anxious and demanding — and more unable to please.
So what’s a parent to do?
It is utterly simple and pretty difficult (as many things in life are).
You have to hold the boundary.
Without arguing.
Without discussion.
Without defending your point.
Without attacking the child for trying to negotiate.
Without waffling.
Without getting angry.
Without panicking.
Even when you aren’t sure you are making the right decision. (Yes, you read that right.)
Even in the face of insecurity.
Even when the child is making some “really good points.”
You hold your boundary, firmly and kindly.
Eventually, the child will reach a point of frustration and BOOM. There will be a tantrum.
This is a sign that the child has truly hit the boundary. All the avenues of negotiation have been exhausted, and the only thing left is adaptation.
You will feel that the child is being “disrespectful,” and “out of control,” and you will want to punish him.
But you have helped create this dynamic, so you cannot punish him for it.
You simply need to allow it to burn out.
Every flaming match reaches the end of the stick.
When you feel the child has reached the end of the tantrum, go ahead and hug. Agree with his feelings: “I know it is hard to not get the cookie/have to turn off the TV/put down the phone/have to leave the park. I know how much you love it.” You hug and kiss and make sounds that show you get it. Life is hard. Not getting what you want is hard.
The good news? The better you get at holding your boundaries, the more the child respects them, and the easier it all becomes! Not all of the time, but most of the time.
You can do it.
Find this over on The Washington Post.