Q: My 4½-year-old daughter has become very interested and excited about being “beautiful” — makeup, hair, dresses, jewelry. It’s not my thing, but it makes her happy to wear fancy clothes and put kid makeup on, so who am I to cramp her style? But she’s becoming preoccupied with looking beautiful, which she defines in very outward ways (she recently said she wants to wear makeup to preschool so she will be beautiful). I’m assuming the kids talk about this in school or it’s something she saw in a video, but my messaging of “beauty is from your inner kindness” is being met with the 4-year-old equivalent of rolled eyes. How do I help her not focus so much on her outer beauty? It feels almost impossible, since it’s constantly reinforced by adults saying how pretty she looks with her dress on or how cute her hair is.
A: As I read your letter (and thank you for sending it in), the first thing I thought was: What if your 4½-year-old was obsessed with Wonder Woman? And what if she only wore Wonder Woman costumes and carried a little golden lasso and shield? What if she “fought” enemies and jumped around “saving” people? I wonder if you would say: “Let’s not focus on playing like that. Let’s not pretend you have powers like that.” Probably not. I’m guessing you would buy her the costumes, find a good lasso and play along as much as you possibly could. Why? Because you would instinctively know that she was playing pretend, trying on a personality and that not only is it healthy, but play and imagination are how young children learn about the world and themselves.
Before everyone rolls their eyes, I know the difference we are facing here in this discussion. For many girls, as soon as they are born, they are brought up to be “pretty” in whatever way that means for the larger culture. Dresses, makeup, hair, the whole nine yards — I’ve watched this beauty world infiltrate the young girl market for the last 20 years, and we have clearly seen the ramifications of the beauty standards placed on young girls and women. That includes earlier disordered eating, anxiety, depression and shots to their self-esteem as girls suffer from the never-ending media feed of beauty, most of which is completely fake.
So of course as a loving caretaker you see little lipsticks and dresses with your preschooler, and you worry. Your anxiety about the data or your own upbringing may be ringing the alarm bells, and this puts you into react mode. Trying to redirect your daughter, lecturing that “beauty is from inner kindness” (guess what will never work!) and worrying are all typical fear reactions, so let’s move it in a direction that satisfies your daughter’s play needs without imposing your worries about a future filled with makeup, dresses, jewelry and fixation on looks. In other words, don’t shut this down just yet.
A 4½-year-old is an intense creature, full of contradictions and growth spurts. A 4-year-old wants to be significant, they want real work and their imaginative worlds are quite real to them. Their ability to create backstories is growing, as is their ability to relate to others. Your daughter, for whatever reason, is playing at “beauty” (probably a very narrow version of it, but still). So play along. You know that beauty is real. You’ve watched a sunset that has taken your breath away. You’ve seen a piece of art that made you stand and tilt your head. You’ve witnessed leaves dance and change color. All of it, beauty. It is one of the […]
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