A: My mother has a saying: “Only a mother can love a 4-year-old.”
Four-year-olds are notoriously tough. Developmentally speaking, they’re at a crossroads. Their language skills, as well as their ability to communicate their needs and desires, are often exploding. They can pay attention to multiple instructions. Their motor skills are allowing them to move about the world with more ease.
With these increased language skills, we begin to see 4-year-olds move from tantrums and physical violence to insults and name-calling. Why? Because a child gets frustrated when something doesn’t work. Not getting a Popsicle before dinner is a great example. Your son doesn’t have the maturity to understand that sugar before dinner is not in his best interest. And when anyone experiences frustration, two options emerge: change what is frustrating or accept it and adapt. A child, being young and immature, will try to change your mind — inartfully, to say the least. Calling you a “dum-dum” is an expression of his anger toward your boundary. It is the same as saying “no” to a 2-year-old who then hits or bites or to a 3-year-old who then screams or cries. It is odd to think of it this way, but his name-calling is a small sign of maturity, emotionally speaking. Tough sell, right?
Am I saying that it feels good to be told, “I hate you,” by someone for whom you have probably sacrificed a great deal? No. It stings. I still remember the shock the first time my eldest told me she hated me. It concerned clothing choices (I kept forcing her out of pajamas), and she had had it with me. I got an “I hate you” and “You are a terrible mom.” Looking back, I think she was preparing me for her adolescent years. And guess what? It still stings! Whether a child is 13, 10 or 4, it doesn’t feel good to be called names. But it isn’t personal. You have to repeat this to yourself every day: The name-calling is not personal.
But there are steps we can take to lessen it:
1. Don’t take the bait. When you get called a name, understand that you are witnessing a burst of frustration and that using too much rational thought, reasoning, punishment or bribes will increase that frustration. Your role is to hold your boundary without trying to increase the frustration. Taking the bait makes it seem like you’re saying: “It is not acceptable for you to call me dum-dum. If you do it again, we won’t go to the park.” You might decide to not take your son to the park because he is having a meltdown, but don’t offer it as a punishment for name-calling. You will only get more frustration and more name-calling. Remember that you’re trying to mitigate that.
2. Reduce your son’s frustration when possible. Find ways to answer him with an enthusiastic “yes” wherever and whenever you can. Can there be a “yes” to a Popsicle before dinner? Better yet, can the Popsicle be your idea? I say this because when we can anticipate our children’s needs and meet them before our children ask, we bring a great deal of relaxation to the parent-child relationship. And no, this isn’t spoiling. Spoiling occurs when your son breaks you down with tantrums and name-calling and you give in to his demands.
3. When he calls you a name, pivot to the emotion he is expressing. “I know you love Popsicles, and I get how frustrating it is to not have one right now.” And then stop talking. You don’t have to explain your reasoning. Just show that you understand your son and that you’re not moving your boundary. This helps him identify his emotions while still realizing that your “no” stands. If you want to change your mind, own it. “I have decided that I want to give you a Popsicle, and I’m eating one, too.”
4. Understand that your son’s frustration will lead to much-wanted resilience later in life. The boundary he’s bumping into (and hating) will help him accept the bigger nos later (technology, curfews, etc.). And I hate to break it to you, but even though it feels bad, he’s getting you ready for more hurt. As you continue to hold your boundaries, he will push and call you names more. You will dance with it, and consequences will occur, but all this “dum-dum” stuff doesn’t define your relationship, nor does it show whether he respects you. Always keep your connection front and center. Think of the long journey and don’t get caught up in these little hiccups. Good luck.
Find this over on The Washington Post.