Q: My son, a tween, was just diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder — essentially what would have been called Asperger’s a few years ago. We have not told him yet. We are doing research and are scheduled to resume sessions with a wonderful counselor he likes and trusts, though we can’t start for a month.
My concern is whether to tell friends and family about this diagnosis, and whether we should advise our son to keep this to himself (he has been bullied to the point of suicidal ideation in the past and is still in the same school district). I think my family would be supportive, but my husband’s would not. Choosing to only tell a couple people would be fraught; there are major gossip issues on both sides of our family. Of course, my son may opt to tell people no matter what.
I just don’t know how to help him ease into this new world and would love to know your thoughts.
A: Diagnoses can throw any family for a loop, and I understand the desire to “ease” him into this new world. I can feel the concern coming through your letter loud and clear, and I don’t blame you. Your son was bullied to the point of suicidal ideation; protecting his mental health is foremost in your mind.
I recommend going slow here.
It may feel like you need to have this all figured out (“all” being sessions with the counselor, how to tell friends and family, and who to tell). Your nervous system may be screaming, “get this right, right now!” but slowing down will benefit you, your son and your whole family. Your son may have a new term attached to him, but he is the same person he has always been and is perfect the way nature made him.
Tiffany Hammond, an autistic mother and advocate of two sons (who have the same diagnosis), understands this particular tension that you face. While you need to make sure your son is safe, she advises not waiting too long to disclose the diagnosis.
“I would not advise their child to keep it to themselves. This is a diagnosis that has been part of them their whole life, even when they didn’t know it,” Hammond said. “They would be asking him to hide a piece of who he is and this eventually leads to questioning whether something is truly wrong with them because they have to shield this part of themselves from others.”
Masking, or when people with ASD camouflage behaviors and characteristics to stay safe, is typically a sign that the person has been bullied, victimized or traumatized. Your son already has a history of severe bullying, so while you want to be careful moving forward, this new diagnosis can be freeing. […]