Q: My 3½-year-old son has moments of defiance and tantrums that I can’t control. No matter what I do, he doesn’t seem to hear me out in the moment and only seems to get more angry if I try to calm him down. I feel judged and embarrassed when others see this behavior occur. When can I expect to see some improvement in terms of age? How can I help him?
A: Thanks for writing. Defiance and tantrums are so common in 3-year-olds that I would guess that most pediatricians would be concerned if your child wasn’t giving you some pushback. Though, like everything on the developmental scale, there is a range. I don’t know the severity, length or frequency of these outbursts, so an important first step is keeping track of the tantrums. It may sound exhausting, but keep a record in your phone or a notebook. It could become helpful for other experts down the road.
Your son’s defiance and tantrums serve a purpose. They are not simply misbehaviors to be controlled; they are part of his development. A human is not meant to be a robot, blindly following instructions and orders. And the younger the child, the less likely you are to see obedience. Remember, 3½-year-olds are immature. Their brains are not yet able to weigh many perspectives, options or rational thought, and virtually anything, from hunger to pain to fatigue, will send them into a tailspin. The inability to express themselves completely, to explain their emotions and to understand others, comes out as tantrums. Your son’s tantrum is a sign pointing you toward one obvious conclusion: He is overwhelmed.
The rule of overwhelm is when you add stress, you just get bigger tantrums. You already know this: Whenever you have been terribly upset, anyone who tries to reason, silence or placate you is not going to be well-received. When our dysregulation is that high, we need a quiet, loving presence and this is doubly true for 3-year-olds. So remember, almost every technique that is used to shut down a tantrum (reasoning, silencing, talking over them, etc.) ends up making it worse.
His behavior is not personal. He is not manipulating or ignoring you; he has been kidnapped by his big feelings. To avoid making the tantrums worse, stop trying to be rational with him. You already know this doesn’t work (“he doesn’t seem to hear me out in the moment and only seems to get more angry”). Next, if it […]
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