Hi Meghan, I am the person who wrote in about the clingy 4-year-old (who just turned 5). Thank you for the advice and suggestions! I realized that I wasn’t always as present with her as I could have been, and so I made a point of really focusing on her when she expressed a need for attention. I gave her purposeful hugs and squeezes, instead of reluctantly allowing her to sit on my lap. And, when I was feeling irritated and needing my own space (after an extended hugging session), I gave myself permission to tell her that I needed a few moments of Mommy private time. I also talked with her at bedtime, as you suggested, and she really liked that. I saw gradual improvement over the summer, and continued improvement over this fall. She has actually walked away from me a few times at morning drop off! More importantly, she is sleeping better (which suspiciously coincided with no-more-naps-in-K – hmmmm), and she is much happier generally as a result. Thanks again, and thanks for being so open and honest with us on your FB page!
THANK YOU.
I love that you came back to report.
One of the most beautiful things that you mention here is how she is venturing forth in the morning and sleeping better.
These are BOTH signs that her emotional AND physical needs are being met.
How so? Well, when she doesn’t need to busy herself with finding a way to connect with you, she is free to GROW.
She is free to move up and out, and she is FREE TO REST.
Her mind isn’t spinning or panicking, so it can simply sleep. Isn’t that beautiful?
You are tuning into her needs (UNDER THE BEHAVIOR) and it is working!
I am proud of your changes, well done, keep going, and thank you!
[this question edited for length]
I have a first grade daughter who is having listening and attention/memory problems. At first I thought it was how she was expressing stress after a tumultuous summer transition (there was a family death of a child, a new house & a new school change within weeks of each other). But now that we’ve gotten into a ‘routine’, she’s still being given repeated corrections at school for losing focus and not listening to or following directions the first time they are given. And it’s the same at home – a frustrating cycle of her ‘mhm-ing’ or not responding at all or needing extra reminders, not being able to focus at length on a task or even remember what she was doing.
The teacher confirmed she’s not as able to focus without being distracted as her peers, she doesn’t demonstrate good listening skills and doesn’t follow multi-step directions well without being reminded during the process.
Here’s my hurdle: these are all things *I* do. I have a terrible memory and I am often unable to complete tasks or reach goals because I get distracted, and struggle to remain focused. It’s mainly been the last 4-5 years but abnormally poor memory and ability to prioritize and to complete goals have always been a a part of my life. I had what they would today call dyscalculia which caused me to horrifically fail or be denied access to some subjects in school while excelling above average in others – it makes life complicated even to this day and I wish I had received help as a student with it.
I struggle with feelings of depression/anxiety, attempted for a bit to see a therapist (probably need to return), but my demons of ‘not remembering’, ‘not listening the first time’, and also of shutting down when confronted are reflected in her. I can see the exact reflection of how I berate myself for forgetfulness or for saying the wrong word in a sentence when I see her do it.
My husband is my polar opposite- direct, logical, and a memory like a steel trap. What I read as a positive and supportive yet realistic description of her behavior from the teacher, he read as an ominous sign that she was saying-without-saying that our child’s behavior was so far from normal in that she was taking extra measures so she wouldn’t emotionally collapse in school.
Have I given this struggle to her by example or heredity? It’s entirely possible that she’ll need an actual assessment if she doesn’t improve, and I’m 110% for that and for early intervention to help get her to a place where she can learn.
But how do I handle that when I already feel absurdly guilty and paralyzed by it? How do I not take every rejection of her as a rejection of me and vise versa? How do I handle finding her behavior immensely frustrating as a parent on top of frustrating as a reflection of all the things I hate about myself?
There is a lot going on here, so excuse my listing in numbers. But I am going to make a lot of suggesting, and I want to be clear.
1) GET YOURSELF TO A THERAPIST. STAT. I really want to say this is a non-negotiable. You gotta get some emotional support for yourself. You are going to continue to conflate your emotional distress with your daughter’s, and this will hinder your ability to make clear decisions based on the CHILD. THERAPIST. STAT.
2) Get your child a full physical and ask for names of a EXCELLENT DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGIST. We are not looking for diagnoses, per se, we are finding the puzzle pieces AND THEN we can begin to assemble the pictures. Right now, it sounds like the puzzle pieces are far-flung and all-over. GATHER info. See the best people you can. Put it all on the table. Your history, teacher reports, everything.
3) Have the teacher be a part of this conversation. We want the teacher to be apprised of what is happening so that she can best help your daughter.
4) Contact the counselor and admin at school to begin to understand what services are available to the child.
5) Understand that each human is a combo of heredity AND our environment. Your need to blame yourself is reflection of your interior. Is she like this because of you? Maybe. We don’t know. So, see your guilt and worry and “hating” yourself as a cry for help. YOU NEED TO HEAL. You are carrying great weight, and it is time to put it down. Not only are torturing yourself, but now you are on the precipice of bringing your daughter down the same path. You wrote to me because you KNOW that this is not the way.
6) Use your husband’s linear mind to help with this process. This is a PROCESS of discovery….discovering how to best unlock your daughter’s potential. It’s in there. She CAN learn, she CAN do all this. It needs hope and you need to go to therapy to do this.
GOOD LUCK.
First time reader & poster, so if you’ve covered this before, forgive me. I am the mother of a 4-year-old, and my husband/her father and I are separated. I initiated the separation due to his behavior but have made sure not to badmouth him in front of her. They are regularly seeing each other and I make sure she talks to him at least once a day. The three of us still eat together on occasion, but I do not see us reconciling. Even though we’ve worked to make her feel secure and loved, I still know this must be stressful for her. What are the best resources you can recommend I turn to in order to help her and me move forward? And are there any good books for her age about divorced parents that she can relate to? Thanks in advance.
There are SO many, so here’s my recommendation.
Do a quick google search, look around at what you like and make a list.
Make a special date, just you are your daughter and go to the library. Find a comfortable little nook and find these books, and read them together.
Now, the trick is….wait. See what she says. If she shrugs and asks to go to the park, great. If she looks worried, chews her fingers, won’t look at you, etc., make very gentle and open statements: “Mommy and Daddy both love you forever. Family is forever.”
She what happens. We DO NOT want to place the burden of “saying the right thing” on her shoulders. That isn’t her job. Her job is to enjoy life!
And, it could be the case that she IS happy, that she ISN’T stressed, that she FEELS good and secure.
Divorced parents make their children feel good and secure all of the time! You could be part of that group!
So, look and ask yourself: “Does my child show signs of stress or AM I THE ONE WHO IS STRESSED?” Here are some signs if you need them.
Good luck!
Any advice for socializing more during the day and early evening for a stay at home mother to a 6 month old? It’s my wife and I worry about her not getting out enough. We’ve discussed swimming classes, kids gym classes but we’re kinda stuck otherwise.
Oh, I love this. Mmmmmwah!
So…yeah. Staying at home with a baby can be a big transition.
I am a BIG fan of exercise. Not for weight loss or toning your body into craziness, but because it increases all the GOOD hormones in your body. It makes us feel alive, rejuvenated, and hopeful.
And I am a big fan of finding a gym with a good daycare. A 6th month old can DEFINITELY handle an hour, and it is worth it’s weight in gold for your wife.
There are also classes like Stroller Strides and the like, where you can exercise with the baby. I know of a family-friendly yoga studio (Lil Omm) that provides both childcare AND classes to take with the babies.
I don’t know what your budget allows, but can a sitter come two or three mornings a week? To allow for some errands, time, and space?
Additionally, encourage your wife to pursue her interests…
From live music to painting to cooking to pro-bono work to whatever…encourage her to grab some friends and GET out. You get to hang with the baby and she gets to feel like herself.
If you can, find a date night or date lunch or a date something.
Good luck…you guys will find your way!
My bff has a highly sensitive barely 5 year old who just started K. The kindergartener has always been easily startled and prone to meltdowns over nothing, and it’s continued in school. How can my friend determine whether her daughter is too emotionally immature for kindergarten or if this is just how she is?
I don’t know.
Has the child ever been in school before? Was she like this there?
What’s interesting is that “Meltdowns over nothing” is not true. The child is melting down about SOMETHING, the adults just don’t see it.
For instance, many autistic children become easily overstimulated in a place where a neurotypical person is totally fine. Lights, sounds, movement…all normal to us, but to the child whose brain is easily triggered, the world feels like it is attacking him.
So, I am wondering about this child’s sensitivity levels, especially if it is across the board (not related to certain situations or transitions of caregivers).
A full work up by the pediatrician plus a consult with a doctor who specializes in sensitivity in children is in order here.
What do you think is the best response when your extremely skinny tween girl says, “I’m so fat — I need to go on a diet”? I need a way around the pointless “are not/am so” exchange.
GET CURIOUS.
Say, “Oh yeah?”
And then see what she says.
Arguing with her is clearly not want anyone wants here….we want to know her mind.
Is she mimicking other girls? Does she really think she’s fat? Is she beginning to eat in a disordered fashion? What does she think our crazy culture and how it shows fatness (something to be shamed and changed) and skinniness (something to be prized and held at any cost)?
Don’t go right at her with these questions…do it while you drive, walk the dog, walk around the mall. Be chill about it.
Whatever you do, LISTEN CAREFULLY. That will lead you in the right direction….
A couple of articles have come out (relatively) recently about kids who are freaked out by being told how smart and gifted they are, because they perceive such comments as putting them on the spot — as staking an intellectual claim for them that’s difficult to measure up to. My daughter is definitely such a child. How would you suggest encouraging a kid who interprets praise this way?
All children, gifted or not, are buoyed by talk of process, not outcome.
This requires more from us, as parents.
This means we really have to pay a little more attention.
For instance, “I noticed your report on the Life Cycle of the Turtle is quite comprehensive. Tell me how you went about assembling all of these facts? How did you decided what to include? What to omit?”
Conversation like this points to something SO much more rich, so much more layered and interesting. It is what a bright mind (any mind) wants.
Write on a sticky “PROCESS” and stick to discussion that keeps you there.
For more tips like this, Read Dweck’s book, Mindset. Fascinating and great read!
Also encourage her to simply go places, anywhere, even without other adults. Is there a museum she’s always wanted to visit? A restaurant she’s dying to try? A bookstore she could sit and grab a coffee in? Midmorning and midafternoon on workdays would be excellent times to take a baby somewhere you might not normally want to take them on weekends or evenings when places are busy.
Yes, and look at some Meetups for Moms. I just googled this and found some cool stuff.
I know it takes courage to make some new friends, but they can literally save your life.
Do you call yourself fat all the time? A lot of kids pick it up from parents…
Oh boy, yes, this is a big one.
As a mother to three girls, I REALLY have to be ever-vigilant to NOT NOT NOT talk about my body in any way that could be perceived as shaming or unkind.
That’s not easy!
Find this over on The Washington Post.